From the Relief Society Magazine, April 1949 –

And All Eternity

By Carol Read Flake

The sharp trill of the telephone brought Kathy Gordon stumbling from bed, her sleep-drugged mind groping to identify a heavy feeling of depression. The girl shivered in the chill, autumn air as she felt her way into the dining room. It was something – some dreadful thing that lay ahead of her.

“Hello.” Her voice was low and husky with sleepiness.

“Is this 402M?”

Kathy swayed suddenly in the darkness as memory struck with sickening clarity. She gripped the edge of the buffet and answered in a whisper, “Yes.” She and Dan were going to get a divorce! It had been decided last night.

“Hold the line, please. Deposit five…” The operator left the line.

“Who is it?”Dan called sleepily from the nursery.

“I don’t … Hello?”

“Kathy, darling! I’ll bet you just love answering the telephone at five a.m..”

Linda! Oh, no – not now! There was a note of hysteria as Kathy cried, “Linda, what in the world are you doing here?”

Her young sister’s laugh rang merrily. “I’m on my vacation and I want to spend it with my namesake. How is the little doll – asleep?”

“Of course. Honey, you’re at the bus depot, aren’t you? We’ll be right in after you.”

Dan had turned on the bedside lamp in the nursery and, as Kathy moved to the doorway, he leaned up on an elbow, squinting against the brightness, his dark hair rumpled. Three-year-old Gary had crowded him to the edge of the narrow bed and was burrowed deep against him, completely out of sight.

“It’s Linda?” Dan’s voice was tense. “What are you going to tell her?”

Kathy’s gaze wavered. “Nothing, I guess. She’d never understand.”

“Who does?” he remarked sourly, sitting up and reaching for his shirt.

Kathy stared at him blankly, then turned and went into the room they had always shared and to the crib in the corner, where baby Linda slept. She covered her tenderly and dressed without turning on a light.

Dan was silent driving to town. Kathy sat beside him, numb and sick inside, wondering how she could meet the gaiety and exuberance of her younger sister. It was two months since her visit home, a visit that was, in reality, a separation. The entire family had been so entranced with the children that they had not detected Kathy’s deep unhappiness.

Kathy was grateful for this. More than anything else she desired to keep from them the knowledge that she and Dan were having trouble – Dan, whom her father invariably referred to as a “perfect prince of a fellow.”

Kathy glanced covertly at her husband, silent and scowling as he drove. Was he remembering last night, the scene at the dinner table and their talk afterward?

* * *

Kathy closed her eyes, seeing him pace the living room, seeing the beaten look in his eyes as he flung out his hands in a gesture of impatience and futility. “Okay, so it didn’t work out. We made a mistake, Kathy, the biggest mistake of our lives, and it’s time we did something about it.”

“Separation didn’t help.” Kathy spoke more to herself.

Dan stopped before the mantle and stared at the photograph of himself in his marine uniform. It was Kathy’s favorite of all his pictures. He looked brave and confident, almost cocky, with his cap tilted ever so slightly above that broad, boyish grin.

She caught her breath as he reached up and knocked the picture flat. “Why do you keep that crazy thing around?” he growled.

Her eyes sped to the framed snapshot of Dan and his buddy, Dick Greymont, who had been killed on Guam. Apparently it escaped his attention. He dropped heavily upon the davenport. “So what’s left? What do we try now?”

Their gaze met – and broke hastily. Kathy flushed as if she had spoken the hated word.

Dan leaned his head in his hands. “Dave Whiting’s as good as any, I guess. He handled the boss’s divorce. Find out the procedure. If it can be desertion, I’ll pull out.”

Kathy’s eyes widened. “Divorce?” she whispered.

He shrugged and stood up. “What else?” he asked harshly.

Kathy didn’t breathe for a moment. She felt frozen inside. “You mean – civil divorce?”

The muscles in his jaw tightened. When he spoke his voice had lost its harshness. “I don’t know, Kathy. I’ve prayed – you’ve prayed. I don’t know what he wants us to do.” He turned his back.

“Dan!” She started up unsteadily. “Dan, it isn’t as if another man or woman were involved. There’s just …”

“There’s a little boy and a baby girl,” he reminded her almost angrily.” And a pair of bickering parents. Is that what he wants?” He pushed past her and went into the nursery, closing the door firmly.

Bickering! Kathy’s hands clenched in her lap. Was it bickering when he barked in irritable impatience at little Gary and sent him weeping from the table. Was it bickering when she leaned forward and hurled the stinging accusation: “Dan Gordon, you aren’t fit to be a father – you’re not fit to live with! You hate us all, don’t you?”

Anger stirred in her, recalling his contemptuous glare as he shoved violently from the table and left the room. Tight-lipped, Kathy had set about clearing the unfinished meal from the table, trying not to hear the heartbroken sobbing from the nursery.

At last she stepped to the doorway and demanded in icy tones if he intended his son to finish supper. When he did not glance up from the magazine he gripped in his hands, she deliberately started for the nursery. He caught up with her and pushed her roughly aside. “You keep out of this,” he snapped, and shut the door in her face.

Gary stopped crying and Kathy stood there, all aquiver inside, listening to Dan’s voice soothing the child. In a moment he brought him to the table. “Ask Mommie to bring your dinner, son.”

Gary’s round blue eyes, still damp with tears, were hurt and bewildered as they went from one to the other. Kathy groaned and caught him to her fiercely. She met her husband’s cold gaze. “Dan, this can’t go on,” she pleaded desperately. “It’s cruel and unfair. It – it’s shameful.”

Dan muttered something and walked rapidly out of the room.

* * *

The Gordon scene, Kathy thought heavily, glancing out the car window.

Dan slowed for a stop sign, his hand brushing Kathy’s knee as he shifted. He glanced at her shortly. “Well, what are you going to do?”

“What do you want me to do?”

“See Whiting. Get the thing rolling.”

Kathy’s mouth twisted and she turned away, unable to speak.

This was the way she must meet her sister. She saw her standing on the curb beside her luggage, looking like a fashion model in her trim gray suit and little trick of a hat.

Linda rushed over as they stepped from the car and gave Kathy a swift, fragrant hug. Then she turned to Dan. “M-m-m,” she said, stretching on tiptoe to kiss his cheek, “my favorite brother-in-law.”

In the car she removed her left glove and fluttered her fingers elaborately. “Oh!” Kathy gasped, catching her hand to admire the glistening ring. “When did you get this?”

“The night of his farewell,” the girl announced proudly. “Isn’t it gorgeous? See it, Dan?”

Dan smiled obligingly. “Very gorgeous. And is it the ring you’re in love with, or…”

“It’s Brent I’m in love with,” Linda sang out happily. “Oh, he’s wonderful – it’s wonderful!” She turned and hugged her sister ecstatically. “Why didn’t you tell me love was like this?”

Kathy flushed. “You little monkey,” she said tenderly.

In the bedroom the girl peeked cautiously beneath the crib covers. “Oh-h, little angel. When will she wake up?” She turned to Kathy. Her brows flew together. “Kathy, are you ill – have you been sick?”

“Sick?” Kathy laughed quickly and bent to pick up a hanger. “Of course not, silly. It’s just getting up at such an unearthly hour. Make yourself comfy, honey, while I fix breakfast.”

Kathy was glad for the commotion of breakfast and babies – for her sister’s gay, eager chatter. After Dan left for work, Linda dressed Gary amid shouts and laughter and then begged to feed the baby her cereal.

She talked constantly about Brent, his mission, and his letters. “Regular sermons, he writes. Oh, Kathy,” she exclaimed earnestly, “aren’t you thankful for the gospel and the kind of men it produces? When I think of poor Rosalind Ayres and that – that –” She broke off in disgust. “They’re on the rocks already. I guess it’s lucky they’ve had no chil–”

She shrieked and ducked as the baby, clutching the spoon in her hand, flipped cereal over a wide area. Laughing, Linda looked up at the baby’s mother and was surprised to see her staring absently from the window, her face drawn and white.

Linda lifted the child from her high chair and walked around to face her sister. “Kathy Gordon,”she said with a quiet, knowing smile, “you’re going to have a baby, aren’t you?”

“Have a baby? No,” she answered dully, staring past her. “We’re going to have a divorce.”

“Kathy!” Linda cried sharply. “What’s the matter with you, saying a thing like that?”

“It’s true,” she answered quietly, taking the baby from her.”He wants me to see the lawyer immediately.”

“Dan? Wants a divorce? But, Kathy, what’s wrong?”

“I wish I knew,” Kathy replied bitterly. “I think he hates us all.”

For once Linda was speechless. Helplessly she followed as Kathy put the baby down for her nap and went into the bathroom where she knelt and washed the few clothes that were soaking in the tub.

“I didn’t want you to know, Linda, or the folks. But now I guess it doesn’t matter, now that we’re getting a divorce.”

Linda began to cry. “But you were married in the temple.”

“I know. Sometimes temple marriages go wrong.”

“No, they don’t,” the girl sobbed. “Only if there is sin – immorality. You and Dan — you’re both fine and decent and intelligent.”

Kathy sat back on her heels, staring unseeing at the wall. “No, Linda,” she said after a moment, “If you had been here last night you wouldn’t say we’re intelligent.” And she told her briefly about Dan’s sharpness with Gary and her own fury.

“Oh, Kathy, something’s wrong with Dan, don’t you see?” Linda cried. “It’s the war; that wound he got on Guam, losing his buddy …”

Kathy rose and wiped her hands thoughtfully on the towel. “I could have thought that three years ago, but that’s all behind us. No, Linda, we’ve been happy, perfectly serene in our marriage until – I don’t know when it began or what started it.”

“Maybe it’s you,” Linda said softly. “Maybe …”

“I know. I’m critical. But his attitude…” She pressed her fingers to her temples. “I think it’s since the baby came. He seems resentful of her, Linda – detached, restrained or something. He wasn’t like that with Gary.”

“It’s because she’s a girl,” Linda soothed, putting an arm about her. “Darling, you’re practically weaving, standing there. Come sit down.” She led the girl to the big chair in the living room and Kathy tried to explain about Dan and Baby Linda.

* * *

They both wanted a girl and he had been as thrilled as she when Baby Linda came. Kathy would never forget his deep humility as he stood at her bedside. “Everything’s too perfect, he had said, shaking his head in wonder and awe, “You and Gary, and now a little daughter. I don’t deserve it, Kathy.”

“I guess we deserve her, darling,” Kathy had whispered, weary from the ordeal, “or the Lord wouldn’t have sent her to us.”

He gripped her hand tightly. “The Lord’s been so good to me, Kathy. It isn’t right. It isn’t fair.” Kathy had been disturbed by his mood, but too sunk in exhaustion to – puzzle out its meaning.

“He feels unworthy,” Linda announced simply. “Kathy, if you two would talk these things over…”

“I don’t believe he wants to, Linda. Not after last night when we both saw what it’s doing to little Gary. He wants me to see Whiting right away.”

“Whiting? Is he your high councilman that’s a lawyer??”

Kathy’s eyes widened. “No. I hadn’t thought of him.” Her voice fell. “He doesn’t take divorce cases.”

Linda jerked forward on the davenport. “Why doesn’t he?”

“Why, I … He doesn’t believe in them, I suppose.”

Linda’s eyes flashed. “And so instead of going to someone like that for help, you and Dan prefer to take your troubles to some stranger, not even a member of the Church. It wouldn’t even have to be a lawyer. It could be your stake president or your bishop …” she broke off. “I wish you could talk to Brent. Brent says the gospel carries the solution to all our problems, physical as well as spiritual.”

“Brent and his mission,” Kathy murmured. “Dan would have had a mission if it hadn’t been for the war.”

“Oh, darling!” Linda was beside her, all tenderness. “Kathy, you love Dan. I know it. I’m going to talk to him tonight.”

Kathy was gathering clothes from the line when Dan drove in late afternoon. As she put them on the kitchen table she heard Linda talking and Dan answering in low tones. She went out softly and found the rake and started to rake the leaves away from the front of the garage.

She heard the screen door open and close and looked up to see Dan coming toward her. He stopped and then came on uncertainly.

“Do you think we should talk with the bishop?”

Her heart was pounding as she leaned the rake against the wall and came toward him. “Yes,” she said breathlessly. “Yes, Dan, I do.”

They found Bishop Bentley in house slipper seated on the front porch with his wife and a neighbor lady. The Gordons were greeted warmly and the bishop ushered them inside. He was a large, shaggy-haired man with alert, twinkling eyes and the kindest smile.

Kathy sat stiffly on the chair he offered and hoped that Dan would do the talking. He did so, haltingly at first. But under the bishop’s gentle prompting the story was finally out. The bishop questioned them alternately, nodding now and then in an understanding way.

Then he leaned forward in the big leather chair and regarded them with a kindly, sympathetic expression. But when he spoke he was firm. “Now, Brother and Sister Gordon. I want you to put the idea of divorce out of your minds. Neither of you has committed a crime against the other and there’s no justification for it. You are unhappy, yes. But you can’t think of yourselves any longer. You have your children …”

“That’s why something must be done,” Dan broke in desperately. “It isn’t right that …”

“And you think divorce is right?” Bishop Bentley spread out his large hands. “Split-up parents – a broken home? No.” He shook his head. “Even a sick home is better than a broken one, Dan, in nearly every case. Yours is a sick home right now. But if you will, you and Katherine, you can cure it. Have you prayed together?” he asked gently.

Dan looked down. “We always have, bishop, but when there’s a spirit of – of bitterness and antagonism…”

“It’s difficult, son, I know.” He asked abruptly. “Dan, you were injured, weren’t you, in the war?”

“Yes, a hand grenade wound. But it doesn’t bother anymore.”

“Did you have any experience you find it difficult to throw off?”

Kathy glanced quickly at her husband and felt a wave of tenderness as she saw his jaw set. When he didn’t speak she said softly, “He lost a buddy, bishop, Dick Greymont, a boy he grew up with.”

“I see. Do you ever think about that, Dan?”

Kathy stared in horror as Dan’s face twisted and he covered his eyes with his hands. He said in a tortured voice, “I can’t think of anything else lately.”

Tears sprang to her eyes. “Dan,” she whispered, moving forward on her chair. But Bishop Bentley raised a warning hand.

He said very gently, “Can you tell me about it, son?”

Kathy waited in an agony of sympathy as Dan fought for control. “I was a gunner in our squadron, a pfc, like Dick. It was two days after we landed on Guam and we’d been in heavy battle and our shells were running out.” He paused. “I sent Dick for ammunition. I hated to ask him to go and he didn’t want to, but I only had a few shells left. I – I spoke pretty harsh to him so he’d go. When he started back with the shells, they – a bullet got him.”

There was no sound in the room save Dan’s labored breathing. Kathy whispered in a voice that trembled. “It was right afterward that Dan was wounded – very seriously. He almost died.”

Dan moistened his lips and went on. “Dick and I went into the Mormon Battalion together; we were at Guadalcanal and Guam. We were always close. We used to talk about when we got back, things we would do. We both had girls. We talked about the homes we were going to have and children –”

His voice broke and his head went down. Kathy closed her eyes in pain, seeing him at her bedside the night Baby Linda was born. “I don’t deserve it, Kathy, everything so perfect.” It was Dick he had been thinking about!

Tears streamed down her face and she forgot about Bishop Bentley. She went down on her knees beside him, sobbing, “Dan, oh, darling, why didn’t you tell me? You mustn’t blame yourself. You were doing your duty and you almost lost your own life. The Lord spared you for a purpose.” She caught his hand and pressed it to her cheek, feeling the answering pressure of his fingers. “Dan, I’ve been so blind – so stupid.”

He touched her hair gently. “I’ve been hateful. You said I hated you, Kathy. It was myself –”

“Oh, Dan!”

The bishop had risen and stood quietly beside them. “I think, Dan, that you have unconsciously built up a resentment against all that’s dear to you because of this – what do the psychologists call it – guilt complex? You feel you have no right to them, is that it?”

“I haven’t, bishop. It isn’t right.” Dan stood up, clinging tightly to his wife’s hand. “Dick was a better man than I am.”

“You can’t be a judge of that, Dan.” The bishop laid his hand on the younger man’s shoulder. “We should never question God’s wisdom either in the things we suffer or in the things he sees fit to bless us with.”

He placed his other hand on Kathy’s shoulder and regarded her kindly. “Sister Gordon, you need to assure this husband of yours every day that you love him and appreciate him. And you, Dan,” Dan met the Bishop’s gaze squarely, “you thank the Lord every night and every morning for sparing your life and bringing you back to this fine girl, and for sending you children to rear according to his word.”

“Bishop –” Dan groped for words to thank him. “Bishop Bentley, you’ll never know – ”

The good bishop patted his arm.”You’re a splendid couple, you Gordons, and if I might make a suggestion, I’d say you needed a vacation trip right now, just the two of you.” He turned his smile on Kathy.”Do you have someone you can leave the children with?”

Kathy raised her eyes to Dan and he put his arm about her waist. “Linda!” she exclaimed. “I know she’d love to. And, oh, Dan, let’s go someplace where there’s a temple.” All the love and happiness in her heart glowed radiantly in her face.