Have you been missing your regular Saturday Funny Bones? Believe it or not, I’ve run out! Oh, I’m sure more jokes will turn up in odd corners of the records I search, but we’ve been through all the [printable] jokes from my usual sources of Funny Bones.
So, on the theory that a good joke is worth laughing at again (or on the alternate theory that most of these jokes are too dumb for you to try to recall), we’ll try reposting them for your renewed pleasure and/or pain. Sometimes I’ll choose jokes that fit a theme – but not always; can you imagine an entire post of ethnic jokes? *shudder* – and sometimes they’ll be chronological.
In any case, laugh again. I’ll keep hunting for more humor printed in old Mormon sources.
First Flea – Have you been on a vacation?
Second Flea – No; just on a tramp.
Not on the Chatauqua
Mike: “Did you ever speak before a large audience, Pat?”
Pat: “Fairly large, I did.”
Mike: “An’ what did you say?”
Pat: “Not guilty.”
In the Nursery
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
For something to quench her thirst;
When she got there, the cupboard was bare;
Her husband had been there first.
The Genus Trampus
The Lady: “Well, I’ll give you a dime – not because I think you deserve it, mind, but because it pleases me.”
The Tramp: “Thank yer, mum. Couldn’t yer make it 50 cents, an’ thoroughly enjoy yerself?”
First Student: “Say, she is the dumbest girl I ever met.”
Second Student: “How come?”
First Student: “Why, she wanted to know how many quarters to a football game.”
Second Student: “That’s nothing. Mine wanted to know if a football coach had wheels.”
A French woman, proud of her limited knowledge of English, and an American woman, proud of her limited knowledge of French, met at a sociable. The French woman insisted on expressing herself in bad English, and the American would talk nothing but bad French. At last they arose to go.
“Reservoir,” said the fair American.
“Tanks,” responded her new friend.
Not Classy Enough
A very self-satisfied man arrived at the gates of heaven, and asked for admittance. “Where are you from?” asked St. Peter.
“Well, you can come in, but you won’t like it.”
The Threat Indirect
“Aw,” said Willie, “you’re afraid to fight, that’s all it is.”
“No, I am not,” protested Jack; “but, if I fight, my ma will find it out and lick me.”
“How’ll she find it out?”
“She’ll see the doctor goin’ to your house.”
Student in Astronomy: “Has anything ever been discovered on Venus?”
Professor (whose mind has wandered): “No, not if the pictures of her are authentic.”
Then He Swore
It was a dark night and the cyclist was lost. Presently he saw a sign on a post. With great difficulty he climbed the post, struck a match, and read, “Wet Paint.”
“Did I understand you to say that your neighbor’s boy was the support of the family?”
“Good heavens, no! I said the sport of the family.”
Master (to student entering class late): “When were you born?”
Student: “On the second of April.”
A Boy with a Heart
Tom: “Pa, you remember you promised me five dollars if I passed in school this year.”
Tom: “Well, you ain’t gonna have that expense.”
A certain man has a wonderful garden, where he grows watermelons.
“How do you put the water in the watermelons?” a facetious friend asked him.
“Oh, I plant the seeds in the spring,” he said.
Words of Kindness
An American, newly arrived, went into a London teashop, took a seat, and waited. Presently a bright-eyed waitress approached him and asked: “Can I take your order?”
“Yes. Two boiled eggs and a kind word.”
The waitress brought the eggs and was moving on when the American said: “Say! What about the kind word?”
The waitress leaned over and whispered, “Don’t eat the eggs.”
Teacher: “Who can name one important thing we have now that we did not have one hundred years ago?”
A Second Helping
“Would you like any more pudding, Bertrand?” asked his mother. And Bertrand, who has just begun to learn geometry, replied: “A segment of about 25 degrees, please, mater.”
The Retort Courteous
“Tommy,” said the teacher, “I wish you wouldn’t come to school with such dirty hands. What would you say if I came to school with dirt and ink all over my fingers?”
“I wouldn’t say anything,” answered the child, promptly. “I’d be too polite.”
She Knew Where It Was
Mother had spanked little Mary. The minister called and found Mary sobbing in the hall. “Well, well,” asked the minister in his best consolatory vein, “What’s the matter?”
“It hurts,” sobbed Mary.
“What, my dear?”
“The back of my lap.”