Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1919 (4)
 


Funny Bones, 1919 (4)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - March 22, 2014

A Hot One

Big Brother: “John, there must be a lot of iron in your system.”

John: “Why do you think so?”

Big Brother: “Because you lose your temper when you get hot!”

A Nut to Crack

Curious Charlie: “Do nuts grow on trees?”

Patrol Leader: “They do, old chap.”

Curious Charlie: “Then what tree does the doughnut grow on?”

Patrol Leader: “The ‘Pantree,’ I think.”

Time Wasted

“Did you try the simple plan of counting sheep for your insomnia?”

“Yes, doctor, but I made a mess of it. I counted 10,000 sheep, put ‘em on the cars and shipped ‘em to market. And when I’d got through counting the wad of money I got for them at present prices, it was time to get up.”

Sure Proof

“Mother,” called Johnnie, “these trousers that you made me are too tight.”

“Oh, no, they are not, Johnnie,” answered his mother.

“They are, Mother. They’re tighter than my own skin.”

“Now, Johnnie, you know that isn’t so.”

“It is so. I can sit down in my skin and I can’t sit down in my trousers.”

Over-Confident

“How much stock does he take in himself?”

“He’s oversubscribed.”

The Secret

“Aha!” hissed the Pullman porter. “I have found the secret of his berth!” and he took a flask from under the passenger’s pillow.”

A Revivifier

Isn’t it a fine feeling, when on a crisp fall morning you get out last winter’s overcoat and find a quarter in the pocket?

We All Have It

Tommy: “Pa, what is writer’s cramp?”

Pa (who writes): “It’s being cramped for money, my son. All writers suffer from it.”

Way Back Home

John: “Did you hear about Rastus’ bad luck the other night?”

Jim: “No. Tell me about it.”

John: “The door blew off his chicken coop and all the chickens went home.”

Capital and Labor

Willie: “Paw, what is the difference between capital and labor?”

Paw: “Well, the money you lend represents capital, and getting it back represents labor, my son.”

Convincing

Policeman: “He’s crazy, yer honor. I found him standing on a corner sassin’ his wife.”

Magistrate: “That doesn’t prove him crazy.”

Policeman: “His wife wasn’t there, yer honor.”

The Front Row

“Oh, mother, why are the men in the front baldheaded?”

“They bought their tickets from scalpers, my child.”

A Scout Is Brave

“What is the difference between cowardice and caution?” asked the teacher.

“Caution,” said Johnny, “is when you are afraid, cowardice is when the other fellow is afraid.”

The Ordinary

“Have you any alarm clocks?” inquired the customer. “What I want is one that will arouse the girl without waking the whole family.”

“I don’t know of any such alarm clock as that, ma’am,” said the man behind the counter; “we keep just the ordinary kind – the kind that will wake the whole family without disturbing the girl.”

Late Getting In

Karl, who had been gently admonished by his indulgent mother for staying up late at night when he called upon his sweetheart, took the material advice in good spirit and promised to amend.

A week later he remarked with an amusing air of seriousness: “Mother, I hope when you get to heaven that you will not sit up waiting for me; for I’m afraid I shall be pretty late getting in.”

How to Repair Steps

On the railing of one of the stairways leading into the water at Saltair Beach is a sign carefully lettered in black on a white background, which reads: “Dangerous – Two steps missing.”

Washer Lost!

A [man] by the name of Ching Ling
Fell off of a street car – bing! bing!
The Con turned his head,
To the passengers said:
“The car’s lost a washer” – Ding! Ding!

Oh, Judge!

Magistrate: “You certainly committed this burglary in a remarkably ingenious way; in fact, with quite exceptional cunning.”

Prisoner: “Now yer honor, no flattery, if you please; if there’s one thing I ‘ates, it’s flattery.”

The Worm Turned

A professor who had been a little too exacting with a student at an examination in chemistry asked, as a final question, “Can you tell me anything at all about prussic acid?”

“Yes,” replied the student. “It is a deadly poison. One drop on the end of your tongue would kill a dog!”

Fashion

Chester: “They say that girl over there puts all her father makes on her back.”

Boyd (after tour of inspection): “Say, ain’t her pa working now?”

Bookkeeping

Kaiser: “What account are my brave troops giving of themselves?”

Hindenburg: “A running account, Your Majesty.”

Owned One

Smith: “I see where they have invented a machine for telling when a man is lying. Ever heard of it?”

Jones: “Seen one? I married one!”



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