Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1919 (3)
 


Funny Bones, 1919 (3)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - March 08, 2014

Signs

In a garage at Albuquerque is posted: “Don’t smoke round the tank! If your life isn’t worth anything, gasoline is!”

And on the wall of a barber’s shop at Taos is prominently displayed: “If you can’t raise fifteen cents, raise whiskers!”

Reciprocity

“Daddy,” said little George, “I want to get married.”

“Do you, my son?” the proud parent asked. “And may In inquire to whom?”

“I want to marry Granny.”

“Do you, indeed? And do you think I would allow you to marry my mother – eh?”

“Well, why shouldn’t I?” retorted the young logician. “You married mine, didn’t you?”

Geographic

“Hungary?”

“Yes, Siam.”

“All right, I’ll Fiji.”

Grammar

Tenderfoot: “Pa, are trousers plural or singular?”

Father: “Well, if you have a pair, I’d say that they were plural, but if you didn’t have a pair I’d call that singular.”

Consoling

His wife had never made biscuits with anything save the finest wheat flour and her first war-flour biscuits were a dismal failure. She tried to tell hubby all about it.

“Don’t worry, dear,” said her lord and master. “I know they’re heavy, but remember, I only have to lift one at a time.”

Rough Sailing

She – “I never could see why they call a boat ‘she.’”

He – “Evidently you never tried to steer one.”

Quite Likely

Fresh – “If you try to take away a fat bone from a hungry bull-dog, what remains.”

Senior – “Your remains.”

Enlightening

Which is heavier, a half or full moon?

The half, because the full moon is as light again.

Where He Fed Them

Farmer – “That’s a fine lot of pigs your father’s got. How does he feed them?”

Tenderfoot – “With corn.”

Farmer – “In the ear?”

Tenderfoot – “No, in the mouth.”

What’s the Use

Judge – “The police say that you and your wife had some worlds.”

Prisoner – “I had some, but didn’t get a chance to use them.”

Gets Back at Mother

“Bertie,” said mother, sorrowfully, “every time you are naughty I get another gray hair.”

“My word!” replied Bertie; “you must have been a terror. Look at grandpa!”

Reluctance

“I understand that you have a new motor car.”

“Yes.”

“Do you drive it yourself?”

“Nobody drives it. We coax it.”

The Question Solved

Father: “That cat was making an awful noise in the back garden last night.”

Arnold: “Yes, Father; I think that since he ate the canary he thinks he can sing.”

A Problem

“How you gettin’ on wid youah ‘rithmetic, Lou?”

“Well, I done learned to add up de oughts, but de figgers bodder me.”

The Reason Why

“Pa, why do they say in the market reports that wheat is nervous?”

“I guess, Son, it is because it expects to be thrashed.”

Gassed

First Soldier (in restaurant) – “How’s your egg, Bill?”

Second Soldier – “I’ll match you to see who goes back for the gas-masks.”

Natural History

A teacher was telling her class little stories in natural history, and she asked if anyone could tell her what a ground hog was. Up went a little hand waving frantically.

“Please, ma’am, it’s a sausage.”

Slam!

“Yes,” said the storekeeper, “I want a good, bright boy to be partly indoors and partly outdoors.”

“That’s all right,” said the applicant; “but what becomes of me when the door shuts?”

The Reason

He had been drafted to a cavalry regiment, and was having his first riding lesson.

“Here’s your horse,” cried the instructor.

The recruit advanced, took the bridle gingerly, and examined his mount with great care.

“What’s it got this strap round it for?”

“Well,” explained the instructor, “you see, all our horses have a keen sense of humor, an’ as they sometimes have sudden fits of laughter when they see the recruits, we put them bands round ‘em to keep ‘em from bustin’ their sides.”

Discipline

“Did you hear what they do with the transports when they’re late?”

“No, what do they do?”

“Dock ‘em.”

Silenced

Mary had a Thomas cat,
It warbled like Caruso.
A neighbor swung a baseball bat –
Now Thomas doesn’t do so.



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