Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1913 (13)

Funny Bones, 1913 (13)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - February 22, 2014

Small Tommy: “The teacher wanted to box my ears this morning.”

Grandpa: “How do you know he did?”

Small Tommy: “‘Cause he wouldn’t have boxed ’em if he hadn’t wanted to.”





Oliver Wendell Holmes enjoyed nothing so much as a clever retort, even if it happened to be at his own expense. One day, at an entertainment, he was seated near the refreshment table, and observed a little girl looking with longing eyes at the good things. With his invariable fondness for children, he said, kindly:

“Are you hungry, little girl?”

“Yes, sir,” was the reply.

“Then why don’t you take a sandwich?”

“Because I haven’t any fork.”

“Fingers were made before forks,” said the doctor, smilingly.

The little girl looked up at him and replied, to his delight: “Not my fingers.”


Teacher: “And why do you suppose the Indians were so tall and strong?”

Johnny (whose thoughts are sometimes in a line with his teacher’s and sometimes “outside the four walls”): “They ate Quaker Oats!”


A young minister, unexpectedly called upon to address a Sunday School, asked, to gain time: “Children, what shall I speak about?”

A little girl on the front seat, who had herself committed to memory several declamations, held up her hand, and, in a shrill voice, inquired: “What do you know?”


“Tomorrow,” announced five-year-old Sidney proudly to his teacher, “is my birthday.”

“Why,” returned she, “it is mine, too.”

The boy’s face clouded with perplexity; and after a brief silence he exclaimed, “How did you get so much bigger’n me?”


A little girl mourning for her favorite cat, Bathsheba, asked the poet to commemorate its memory in verse, which he did off-hand in this classical bit:

Bathsheba! to whom no one ever said scat –
No worthier cat
Ever sat on a mat,
Or caught a rat.


“I guess my father must have been a pretty bad boy,” said one youngster.

“Why?” inquired the other.

“Because he knows exactly what questions to ask when he wants to know what I have been doing.”


Little Mary, having fallen in the mud, got her mother to write the following note: “Dear Teacher: Kindly excuse Mary for having been absent yesterday, as she fell in the mud on the way to school. By doing the same you will oblige her mother.”


Tommy went fishing the other day without his mother’s permission. The next morning one of his chums met him and asked: “Did you catch anything yesterday, Tommy?”

“Not till I got home,” was the rather sad response.


Little Fred was visiting his grandmother in the country and was watching the turkeys. “Look, grandmother,” he said; “the old gobbler has had his fan up for half an hour and his face is as red as if he were not a bit cooler.”


“In choosing his men,” said the Sabbath School superintendent, “Gideon did not select those who laid aside their arms and threw themselves down to drink; he took those who watched with one eye and drank with the other.”


A man named Wood met a friend whose name was Stone. “Good morning, Mr. Stone,” he said; “and how are Mrs. Stone and all the little pebbles?”

“Oh, quite well, Mr. Wood,” was the reply. “How are Mrs. Wood and all the little splinters?”


The closing exercises began with the displaying of a portrait of George Washington. “Who is this?” the teacher asked.

The children sat mute and unresponsive, till finally one little fellow piped up.

“I know who it is,” he shouted. “We got that picture at home. Mamma told me who it is.” He swelled with pride. “It’s our father from the country,” he said.


Four-year-old Barbara went to church with her two sisters, and came home crying.

“What is the matter, dear?” inquired her mother.

“He preached a whole s-sermon – about M-Mary and Martha,” sobbed Barbara, “and n-never said a w-word about me.”


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