“Look, daddy,” said a little six-year-old, “I pulled this corn stalk right up all by myself.”
“My, but you are strong,” said her father.
“I guess I am, daddy. The whole world had hold of the other end of it.”
“The doctor charged me ten dollars and told me I must drink lots of water and get out more.”
“Are you out more?”
“No, just ten dollars.”
She: “So you’re late because you had your car overhauled?”
He: “Yes, honey, by some smart speed cop.”
Mr. Billerton, the butcher, was a jovial soul. As he was cutting up an order of lamb chops for a lady customer she asked curiously: “Mr. Billerton, what led you to choose your present occupation?”
“Well, really, I don’t know, ma’am,” explained Mr. Billerton. “Maybe it was because I have always been fond of animals.”
Honest About It
“I want a nice book for an invalid,” the lady said to the librarian.
“Why, er, no, not now. You see, he’s a convalescent.”
“Do you write for that magazine anymore?”
“No, not since the editor sent my copy back marked N.S.F.”
“Not Sufficiently Funny.”
“Don’t you find my article original?” inquired the ambitious young would-be authoress.
“Very,” replied the editor, “especially the spelling.”
Student (being arrested): “But, officer, I’m a student!”
Officer: “Ignorance is no excuse.”
The Passerby (to motorist at roadside who is red in the face and pop-eyed from pumping up a tire): “What’s the matter? Have a puncture?”
Motorist (after counting ten): “No. I just thought it would be a good idea to change the air in this tire.”
She: “When we go anywhere now we have to take the street car. Before our marriage you always called a taxi.”
He: “Exactly! And that’s the reason we have to go in the streetcar now.”
A budget is a method of worrying about money before you spend it, as well as afterwards.
Money will buy a dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail.
“What is the chemical formula for water?”
“H I J K L M N O!”
“What on earth are you talking about?”
“Well, yesterday you said that it was H to O.”
Could Be True
Man is not rational – he keeps looking for home atmosphere in a hotel and hotel service at home.
Gerald: “Say, Jimmy, would you marry a beautiful girl for love or a homely girl for money?”
Jimmy: “Why, the beautiful girl for love, of course. By the way, what’s this homely girl’s name?”
“I’ve been trying to see you all week. When may I have an appointment?”
“Make a date with my secretary.”
“I did, and we had a grand time, but I still want to see you.”
Grafter: One who chisels a career instead of carving it.
The honeymoon is over when he takes her off a pedestal and puts her on a budget.
Fond Pop: “What makes you think the next-door neighbor doesn’t like Tommy’s beating on his drum?”
Suspicious Mom: “Well, he gave Tommy a little pocketknife the other day, and then asked him if he knew what was inside of his drum.”
Passerby: “Well, how are the fish in this stream?”
Fisherman: “I really don’t know yet. I’ve been dropping them a line every day all week and haven’t got an answer yet.”
Sure and Begorra!
Speaking about banks, there was an Irishman who opened an account, his first. At the end of the month he got a statement, which meant absolutely nothing to him, but he was delighted to receive his checks.
“Sure, an’ it’s a smart bank I’m after dealin’ with,” he told a pal.
“Is it that, now?” was the rejoinder.
“Faith, an’ it is. Them fellers was smart enough to get every one av me checks back for me.”
A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces that she never did care for pie.