Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1945 (5)
 


Funny Bones, 1945 (5)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - February 15, 2014

Powerful

“Look, daddy,” said a little six-year-old, “I pulled this corn stalk right up all by myself.”

“My, but you are strong,” said her father.

“I guess I am, daddy. The whole world had hold of the other end of it.”

All Cut

“The doctor charged me ten dollars and told me I must drink lots of water and get out more.”

“Are you out more?”

“No, just ten dollars.”

Overhauled

She: “So you’re late because you had your car overhauled?”

He: “Yes, honey, by some smart speed cop.”

Misplaced Kindness

Mr. Billerton, the butcher, was a jovial soul. As he was cutting up an order of lamb chops for a lady customer she asked curiously: “Mr. Billerton, what led you to choose your present occupation?”

“Well, really, I don’t know, ma’am,” explained Mr. Billerton. “Maybe it was because I have always been fond of animals.”

Honest About It

“I want a nice book for an invalid,” the lady said to the librarian.

“Something religious?”

“Why, er, no, not now. You see, he’s a convalescent.”

More alphabet

“Do you write for that magazine anymore?”

“No, not since the editor sent my copy back marked N.S.F.”

“How come?”

“Not Sufficiently Funny.”

-oooOooo-

“Don’t you find my article original?” inquired the ambitious young would-be authoress.

“Very,” replied the editor, “especially the spelling.”

-oooOooo-

Student (being arrested): “But, officer, I’m a student!”

Officer: “Ignorance is no excuse.”

-oooOooo-

The Passerby (to motorist at roadside who is red in the face and pop-eyed from pumping up a tire): “What’s the matter? Have a puncture?”

Motorist (after counting ten): “No. I just thought it would be a good idea to change the air in this tire.”

-oooOooo-

She: “When we go anywhere now we have to take the street car. Before our marriage you always called a taxi.”

He: “Exactly! And that’s the reason we have to go in the streetcar now.”

-oooOooo-

A budget is a method of worrying about money before you spend it, as well as afterwards.

-oooOooo-

Money will buy a dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail.

All Wet

“What is the chemical formula for water?”

“H I J K L M N O!”

“What on earth are you talking about?”

“Well, yesterday you said that it was H to O.”

Could Be True

Man is not rational – he keeps looking for home atmosphere in a hotel and hotel service at home.

Oh, Oh!

Gerald: “Say, Jimmy, would you marry a beautiful girl for love or a homely girl for money?”

Jimmy: “Why, the beautiful girl for love, of course. By the way, what’s this homely girl’s name?”

-oooOooo-

“I’ve been trying to see you all week. When may I have an appointment?”

“Make a date with my secretary.”

“I did, and we had a grand time, but I still want to see you.”

-oooOooo-

Grafter: One who chisels a career instead of carving it.

Milestone

The honeymoon is over when he takes her off a pedestal and puts her on a budget.

Music Appreciation

Fond Pop: “What makes you think the next-door neighbor doesn’t like Tommy’s beating on his drum?”

Suspicious Mom: “Well, he gave Tommy a little pocketknife the other day, and then asked him if he knew what was inside of his drum.”

Very Unresponsive

Passerby: “Well, how are the fish in this stream?”

Fisherman: “I really don’t know yet. I’ve been dropping them a line every day all week and haven’t got an answer yet.”

Sure and Begorra!

Speaking about banks, there was an Irishman who opened an account, his first. At the end of the month he got a statement, which meant absolutely nothing to him, but he was delighted to receive his checks.

“Sure, an’ it’s a smart bank I’m after dealin’ with,” he told a pal.

“Is it that, now?” was the rejoinder.

“Faith, an’ it is. Them fellers was smart enough to get every one av me checks back for me.”

Definition

A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces that she never did care for pie.



1 Comment »

  1. That first one made a lot of sense to a six-year-old I know.

    I was wondering how “grafter” relates to “grifter” (a confidence man). The dictionary gives these definitions of “grafter”:

    (informal) a person who acquires money, power, etc, by dishonest or unfair means, esp by taking advantage of a position of trust
    (British, informal) a hard worker
    (horticulture) a person whose job is to graft plants, esp vines

    So which does it mean?

    And, last…

    A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces that she never did care for pie.

    Bah. Training women in the martyr complex, in fact training them to lie. That’s not funny in the least.

    Comment by Amy T — February 16, 2014 @ 5:00 pm

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