“Yes,” said the boastful young man, “my family can trace its ancestry back to William the conqueror.”
“I suppose,” remarked his friend, “you’ll be telling us that your ancestors were in the Ark with Noah?”
“Certainly not,” the other said. “My people had a boat of their own.”
Hubby (critically): “Why in the world did you choose lemon as the color of your new dress?”
Wifey: “I don’t know, dear, unless it was because I had such a hard time squeezing the price out of you.”
“Did you notice Laura is getting a double chin?”
“Yes, I guess it was too much work for one.”
Good for Defense
British Maiden: “He wears my photo over his heart and it stopped a bullet while he fought in Crete.”
Second British Maiden: “I’m not surprised, dearie. It would stop anything.”
A Battle Royal
Boogy: “Say, what’s the matter with your jaw?”
Woogy: “I just had a tussle with a dentist.”
Boogy: “Who won?”
Woogy: “It was a draw.”
Was That Nice?
Janie: “I just can’t bear to think of my thirtieth birthday.”
Mary: “Gracious – what went wrong?”
The Truth Will Out
Professor: “I am going to speak on liars today. How many of you have read the twenty-fifth chapter of the text?”
Nearly every student raised his hand.
Professor: “Good. You are the group to whom I wish to speak. There is no twenty-fifth chapter.”
Witness: “I think –“
Lawyer: “We don’t care what you think. What we want to know is what you know.”
Witness: “If you don’t want to know what I think, I may as well leave the witness box. I can’t talk without thinking. I’m not a lawyer.”
“I’ll give you fifty cents if you’ll wash your face,” said the college professor to his small son.
“Keep it and get a haircut,” was the young hopeful’s reply.
Practice Makes Perfect
At the Lincoln County picnic at Vineland, the rolling-pin throwing contest was won by Mrs. W.H. Upsall, who threw the rolling-pin 67 feet. Her husband won the 100-yard dash for married men.
Bit by Bit
Barbara (whose first tooth has just dropped out): “Mummy, mummy, quick! I’m coming to pieces!”
Little John: “Papa, give me some money.”
Papa: “Why do you want money, Johnnie?”
Little John: “Well, suppose a robber was to stop me and say, ‘Your money or your life,’ and I hadn’t any money.”
Mannerly Little Man
“What dirty hands you have, Jimmy,” said the young teacher. “What would you say if I came to school without washing my hands?”
“Shouldn’t say nuffin’,” replied Jimmy. “I’d be too polite.”
He Was Right at That
Johnny was learning the alphabet and was asked by his teacher what letter came after “H.”
“What have I on each side of my nose?”
Business Before Pleasure
The old gentleman had wandered into a big department store, and in a moment was surrounded by floor walkers.
“What is your pleasure, sir?” they asked in unison.
“Er – er — well, my pleasure is fishing,” he replied, hesitatingly, “but I – er – rather wanted a new hat.”
Dutchman: “In Holland we have windmills.”
American: “In the United States we have congressmen.”
“Why is a girl’s lover called her suitor?” asks L.C.
Because he does or he doesn’t.
A college is a human hothouse specializing in the sheltered rearing of persons who would be normal if they were left alone.
Easier Said Than Done
Mark Twain once said: “To be good is noble; but to teach others to be good is nobler, and less trouble.”
“And whom did you vote for, Miss Sophy?”
“Well, you see, the Conservative candidate was simply stunningly good-looking. But the Liberal had always been splendid to his family, so I marked both ballots, closed my eyes, shuffled them, put one in the box and tore up the other. Nothing could be fairer than that.”
Young Lady (to her father): “Oh, I hate him – hate him – hate him!”
Father: “And how long has this romance been going on?”
His Sporting Ethics
While a shooting party was out for a day’s sport a raw young sportsman was observed taking aim at a pheasant running along the ground.
As it is unsportsmanlike to shoot a bird while it is on the ground, a companion shouted: “Hi, there, never shoot a running bird!”
“What do you take me for, you idiot?” came the reply. “Can’t you see I’m waiting till it stops?”
Professor: “What! Forgotten your pencil again, Jones? What would you think of a soldier without a gun?”
Jones (an ex-service man): “I’d think he was an officer.”