Judge Duff: “Have you a lawyer, Sambo?”
Sambo: “Naw, suh, Jedge. I done decided to tell de troof.”
A city chap was crossing a pasture. “Say, there,” he shouted to the farmer, “is this bull safe?”
“Well,” answered the farmer, “I reckon he’s a lot safer than you are just now.”
Silence is Golden
Mike: “Did you ever see a company of women silent?”
Ike: “When the chairman asked the oldest to speak up.”
Groom: “How did you make this cake, dear?”
Bride: “Here’s the recipe. I clipped it from a magazine.”
Groom: “Are you sure you read the right side? The other side tell show to make a rock garden.”
“What is the difference,” asked the teacher, “between caution and cowardice?”
Johnny, who observed things carefully for so youthful a person, answered:
“Caution is when you’re afraid, and cowardice is when the other fellow’s afraid.”
Old Rastus settled himself in his chair and addressed his wife:
“Yes, sah, gal, dat boss done cut wages half in two again. Some ob de boy sis kickin’ mighty pow’ful ‘bout it. But I ain’t goin’ to kick none. Way I figger it – half of sumpin’ is better ‘n all of nuffin’.”
A young theologian named Fiddle
Refused to accept his degree,
Saying “It’s bad enough to be Fiddle,
Without being Fiddle, D.D.”
Circumstances Alter Cases
“By the way,” he asked, “Who is that long, skinny girl standing over there.”
“Hush,” whispered his friend. “She used to be long and skinny, but she’s just inherited $100,000. She’s tall and stately now.”
Louis XI of France asked his astrologer, “When will you die?”
“Three days before your Majesty.”
Louis took care of him after that!
When in doubt what to say, take a chance on getting by with the truth.
The stork is the bird with the biggest bill.
We can thank Mother Nature for devising our hinges so it’s awkward to pat ourselves on the back.
Train up a child in the way he should go and walk there yourself once in a while.
It was a soiree musical. A singer had just finished, “My Old Kentucky Home.”
The hostess, seeing one of her guests weeping in a remote corner, went to him and inquired in a sympathetic voice: “Are you a Kentuckian?”
And the answer came quickly: “No, madam, I am a musician.”
“How kind of you,” said the girl,” to bring me these lovely flowers. They are so beautiful and fresh. I believe there is some dew on them yet.”
“Yes,” stammered the young man in embarrassment, “but I’m going to try to pay it off tomorrow.”
Nosy: “What’s your business?”
Jill: “Private attendant.”
Nosy: “To what do you attend?”
Jill: “My own business.”
Blonde Waitress: “I have steamed kidneys, boiled tongue, fried liver, and pig’s feet.”
Brakie: “Don’t tell me your troubles, sister, give me a chicken pie.”
There are three ways to get work out of a man: coax, scold, do the job yourself.
A sergeant’s definition of morale: “Morale is what makes your legs do what your head knows ain’t possible.”
“I think we’ve got their morale too high,” reported the sergeant to his C.O. “They want to know if it’s true that some day they might have to return to civilian life.”
A bore is a man who talks about himself when you want to talk about yourself.
The inquisitive old lady was bending over the bed of a wounded soldier whose head was swathed with cotton and linen.
“Were you wounded in the head, my boy?” she asked.
“No’m,” replied a faint voice. “I was shot in the foot and the bandage has slipped up.”
Teacher: “What would the interest be on $500 for one year at 3 percent? Abie, pay attention.”
Abie: “At 3 percent I would not be interested.”
The Stork’s Understanding
Soph: “Why does a stork stand on one foot?”
Frosh: “I’ll bite, why does he?”
Soph: “If he’d lift the other foot, he’d fall down.”
Boarder: “Oh, but I wish I had come here a week ago!”
Boarder: “I should have preferred to eat this hash then instead of now.”