In the Bird Store
“My husband is away so much of the time I want a parrot for company. Does this one use rough language?”
“Lady, with this bird in the house you’d never miss your husband.”
Just Like Men
Miss Browne: “I frankly admit I am looking for a husband.”
Mrs. Green: “So am I.”
Miss Browne: “But I thought you had one.”
Mrs. Greene: “I have, and I spend most of my time looking for him.”
Detective: “You’re looking for your cashier? Is he tall or short?”
Efficiency Expert: “Now, what I want is a chart which will show at a glance what charts we have.”
Everything Comes to Him Who Waits
Plumber (arriving three hours late): “Well, how are things, Mr. Brown?”
Brown: “Oh, just fine. I taught the children to swim while we were waiting.”
A traffic light is a little green light that turns red when you’re in a hurry.
Making love is like making pie – all you need is a lot of crust and a bunch of applesauce.
Mr. Jones: “I have a great idea for improving the taste of salt.”
Mrs. Jones: “What is it?”
Mr. Jones: “Sprinkle it on a big, juicy steak.”
Private: “But, instructor, what if our parachute doesn’t open?”
Instructor: “That, my boy, is called jumping to a conclusion.”
“Why don’t more women take up the law as a profession?”
“They prefer to lay it down.”
And Making Mountains
Women live longer than men because they get more exercise. They spend all their time jumping at conclusions, running up bills, running down neighbors, climbing the social ladder, skating on thin ice, curling with the irons, plunging into arguments, and wrestling with ration books.
And No Holds Barred
Taxes in one form or another are taking about half the average income. Evidently the government’s policy is to halve and to hold.
Officer: “What’s the big idea? How come you men are climbing trees and crawling through bushes?”
Private: “Well, sir, we camouflaged the gun before lunch, and now we can’t find it.”
Policeman: “Why didn’t you stop when I yelled back there?”
Driver (with great presence of mind): “I thought you said, ‘Hello, Senator.’”
Policeman: “Well, you see, Senator, I was going to warn you about going too fast in the next town.”
Lady (holding a cookie above the dog): “Speak! Speak!”
Dog: “What’ll I say?”
Our stenographer says she wants to marry a sailor and rear admirals.
Professor (taking up quiz paper): “Why the quotation marks on this paper?”
Student: “Courtesy to the man on my left.”
About the only thing left in this world that can be shocked is grain.
The fellow with a poor memory never forgets his own troubles.
Influence is what you think you have until you try to use it.
In a small village in Ireland the mother of a soldier met a neighbor, who asked her if she had had bad news. “Sure, I have,” she said. “Pat has been killed.”
“Oh, I am sorry,” said the neighbor. “Did you receive word from the war office?”
“No,” she said, “I received word from himself.”
The neighbor looked perplexed, and said: “But how is that?”
“Sure,” she said, “here is the letter; read it for yourself.”
The letter said: “Dear Mother – I am now in the Holy Land.”
Many Are Like Her
Kitty: “You mustn’t believe everything you hear.”
Catty: “I don’t, but I sure like to repeat it.”
“What do you make a week?” asked a judge of the organ grinder.
“Twenty dollars, your honor.”
“What? Twenty dollars for grinding an organ?”
“No, your honor, not for da grind – for da shut up and go away.”
Mum’s the Word
Woman (to new maid): “When you wait on the table at dinner this evening, don’t spill anything.”
Maid: “No, ma’am. I won’t say a word.”
Put in His Place
Farmer: “Getting your saddle on backwards, ain’t yuh?”
Farm Guest: “That’s all you know about it, smarty. You don’t even know which way I’m going.”
Teacher: “Freddy, can you tell the class what a sawhorse is?”
Freddy: “I ain’t sure, teacher, but I guess it’s the past tense of sea horse.”