Visitor: “Sonny, what’s the noise upstairs?”
Sonny: “Ma’s dragging Pa’s pants across the floor.”
Visitor: “That shouldn’t make so much noise.”
Sonny: “I know, but Pa’s in ‘em.
Jones was proud of his bass voice – a very fine one, it must be admitted. Meeting a friend one day, he told him of a remarkable dream.
“I dreamt I was in a mighty choir,” he said, “such a choir as you have never seen. Five thousand sopranos, 5000 altos, 5000 tenors – all singing at once, double forte. My but it was magnificent!”
His friend gasped in amazement.
“But suddenly,” continued Jones, “the conductor stopped them all and turned to me and said: ‘Not quite so loud in the bass, Mr. Jones.’”
Sophomore (seeking sympathy): “I’m just a poor boy trying to get ahead.”
Professor: “Well, that’s fine, you certainly need one.”
Over Them All
Mrs. O’Halloran: “Faith an’ me husband has a job with 10,000 people under him.”
Mrs. O’Leary: “Where does he wurrk?”
Mrs. O’Halloran: “He mows grass in the cimetery.
Actor (playing Richard III): “A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!”
Smart auditor: “Wouldn’t a jackass do as well?”
Actor: “Certainly! Come around to the stage door at once.”
Teacher: “Willie, what is your greatest ambition?”
Willie: “To wash mother’s ears.”
“What’s the trouble in wombat’s house?”
“Wombat accuses his wife of using dum-dum biscuits.
A Vanishing Theme
“A fugue,” explains Paul Whiteman, “is a composition in the polyphonic style in which the theme keeps coming in and the audience keeps going out.”
Over Did It
A carpenter was shingling a barn when a dense fog came on. The carpenter kept on working and laying his shingles. When the fog cleared he discovered that he had shingled 12 feet beyond the barn.
Won’t Stay Put
“Do you know that your wife is telling around that you can’t keep her in clothes?”
“That’s nothing. I bought her a home, and I can’t keep her in that, either.”
A charming young singer named Anna
Got mixed up in a flood in Montana;
So she floated away,
And her sister, they say,
Accompanied her on the piano.
De Plate Wins
“Broddern an’ Sistahs,” the visiting preacher announced, “I’se got a five dollar sermon, an’ a two dollah sermon, an’ a one dollah sermon. De deacons will now pass the plate so I will know which o’ dem sermons dis congregation wants to heah.”
Not Bad Enough
The host: “It’s beginning to rain; you’d better stay for dinner.”
The guest: “Oh, thank you very much; but it’s not bad enough for that.”
Teacher: “Now who can tell me where is the home of the swallow?”
Arthur: “The home of the swallow is in the stommick.”
“Say, boy, some one told me I would find a spanking team in this neighborhood. Do you know where they are?”
“In our house, mister. They’re pa and ma.”
Not on the Approved List
An insurance agent was doing his weary round of canvassing from door to door in an effort to get a little business for his firm. On the top floor of a tenement he was met by an aged spinster who subjected him to a barrage of questions. She ended with, “And can you insure my immortal soul?”
“Oh, no, madam,” replied the agent, fed up. “My company does not deal in fire insurance.”
Silence had fallen between them in the dusk of the porch. Through the warm air of the late summer came the strident notes of the katydids and the voices of the choir at practice in the church.
“They are real musical tonight,” said he, thinking of the choir.
“Yes; ‘tis said they do it with their hind legs,” replied she, thinking of the crickets.