“You’ve been making speeches all through the corn belt,” said the political manager; “do you notice any result?”
“Yes,” answered the spellbinder; “my voice has become quite husky.”
Couldn’t See the Point
Gritty Pikes – “It’s a heartless world, pard. Think what a woman done when I asked her to give me something to keep body and soul together!”
Muddy Lanes – “Can’t imagine.”
Gritty Pikes – “She gimme a safety-pin!”
Blue and Black
“You look blue.”
“I am. I have called on her father.”
“What did he say that so upset you?”
“It was not what he said that upset me.”
“Sir, I am looking for a little succor.”
“Well, do I look like one?”
“Well, little boy, did you go to the circus the other day?”
“Yes’m. Pa wanted to go, so I had to go with him.”
“Did that young man kiss you last night?”
“Mother, do you suppose that he came all the way up here just to hear me sing?”
“Why does the giraffe have such a long neck?” asks the teacher.
“Because its head is so far away from its body,” hopefully answers the boy.
Teacher – “Now, Tommy, suppose a man gave you $100 to keep for him and then died, what would you do? would you pray for him?”
Tommy – “No, sir; but I would pray for another like him.”
Harold, aged nine, came home one day so bruised and dirty that his mother was thrown into a state of marked perturbation.
“Mercy!” she exclaimed, in horror. “How on earth, my child, did you get your clothes and face into such a state?”
“I was trying to keep a little boy from getting licked,” was Harold’s virtuous, if hesitating, reply.
“Well, that was fine!” said his mollified parent. “I am proud of you, sonny. Who was the little boy?”
The Old-Fashioned Way
The fact that corporal punishment is discouraged in the public schools of Chicago is what led Bobby’s teacher to address this note to the boy’s mother:
Dear Madam: – I regret very much to have to tell you that your son, Robert, idles away his time, is disobedient, quarrelsome, and disturbs the pupils who are trying to study their lessons. He needs a good whipping, and I strongly recommend that you give him one. Yours truly, Miss Blank.
To this Bobby’s mother responded as follows:
Dear Miss Blank: – Lick him yourself. I ain’t mad at him. Yours truly, Mrs. Dash.
The Sailor’s Chest
Bobby – “This sailor must have been a bit of an acrobat.”
Mamma – “Why, dear?”
Bobby – “Because the books says, ‘Having lit his pipe, he sat down on his chest.’”
In a Hurry
Magistrate – “What is the charge against this old man?”
Officer – “Stealing some brimstone, your Honor. He was caught in the act.”
Magistrate (to prisoner) – “My aged friend, couldn’t you have waited a few years longer?”
Papa – “Where have you been, James?”
“Come into the woodshed and we’ll have a whaling expedition.”
How It Goes
“Well, George,” said the president of the company to old George, “how goes it?”
“Fair to middlin’, sir,” George answered. And he continued to curry-comb a bay horse. “Me an’ this here hoss,” George said, suddenly, “has worked for your firm sixteen years.”
“Well, well,” said the president, thinking a little guiltily of George’s seven-dollar salary. “And I suppose you are both pretty highly valued, George, eh?”
“H’m,” said George, “the both of us was took sick last week, and they got a doctor for the hoss, but they just docked my pay.”
Teacher (to new pupil) – “Why did Hannibal cross the Alps, my little man?”
My Little Man – “For the same reason as the ‘en crossed th’ road. Yer don’t catch me with no puzzles.”
A Horse Trade
The late Senator Elkins used to tell a story of Bige Brown
Bige, he explained, lived in Elkins. Meeting him one day in the main street, the Senator said: “Bige, do you know of anybody that’s got a horse for sale?”
Bige, chewing gum, gave the Senator a patronizing smile.
“Well, Senator,” he said, “I guess Bill Hurst has. I sold him one yesterday.”
Those Foolish Questions
Conductor to Passenger – “We ran over a cat down the line.”
Passenger – “Was the cat on the line?”
Conductor – “Why, of course not. We chased up an alley after her.”
A Good Excuse
A kindergarten teacher tells a good joke on herself. She has been very strict in requiring written excuses from the mothers in case of absence. The morning of the big snowstorm only a few of the babies made their appearance. The next day they all came with written excuses except one tot, named Willie. When asked for his, he said: “I did ferdit it.”
He was cautioned to bring it the next day.
Willie’s mother was quite disgusted. It seemed to her that any one with the slightest pretensions to gray matter ought to know the reason for his absence.
The next morning he arrived all rosy with the cold, and handed the teacher his excuse. It read:
“Dear Miss C–: Little Willie’s legs are fourteen inches long. The snow was two feet deep. Very truly yours, Mrs. J.”
The Feminine View
She had just finished reading Edward Everett Hale’s “the Man Without a Country,” and as she laid it down she sighed and said:
“I can not imagine anything worse than a man without a country.”
“Oh, I can,” said her friend.
“A country without a man.”
“Where,” asked the female-suffrage orator, “would man be today were it not for woman?”
She paused a moment and looked round the hall.
“I repeat,” she said, “where would man be today if not for woman?”
“He’d be in the Garden of Eden, eating strawberries,” answered a voice from the gallery.
Truth Will Out
As an illustration of great devotion to truth, would-be M.P. told his auditors that he “underwent a severe thrashing when a boy for telling the truth.” Imagine the sickly feeling which came over him when a gruff voice called out from the center of the audience: “I guess it’s cured yer, guv-nor!”
This was the note which was handed to one of the grade teachers the other day:
“Dear Mum – Please ixcuse Johnny today. He will not be at school. He is acting as timekeeper for his father. Last night you gave him this iximple, if a field is 4 miles square how long will it take a man walking 3 miles an hour to walk 2-1/2 times around it? Johnny ain’t no man, so we had to send his daddy. They left early this morning, and my husband said they ought to be back late tonight, tho it would be hard going. Dear Mum, please make the nixt problem about ladies, as my husband can’t afford to lose the day’s work. I don’t have no time to loaf, but I can spare a day off occasionally better than my husband can. Resp’y yrs. Mrs. Jones.”
Give and Take
“What’re ye comin’ home with your milk pail empty for?” demanded the farmer. “Didn’t the old cow give anything?’
“Yes,” replied his boy; “nine quarts and one kick.”