Not a Chance
“Johnny,” said the teacher, “this is the third time I have had to punish you this week. Why are you so naughty?”
“Because,” answered the incorrigible youngster, “Grandpa says the good die young, and I ain’t taking any chances.”
Teacher: “If there are any dumb-bells in this room, please stand up.”
A pause, then finally Johnny stood up.
“What, Johnny, do you consider yourself a dumb-bell?”
“Well, not exactly that, teacher, but I hate to see you standing all alone1″
Little Bobby came crying into the house, rubbing the places where he had been butted by a pet sheep.
“But what did you do,” his mother demanded, “when the sheep knocked you down?”
“I didn’t do nothin’,” Bobby declared protestingly. “I was gettin’ up all the time.”
Hubby: “I miss the old cuspidor since it’s gone.”
Wifey: “You missed it before – that’s why it’s gone.”
What’s the Use?
“Dinah, did you wash the fish?”
“Mercy, ma’am, what’s the use of washin’ fish what’s lived in the water all his life?”
I strolled over to the park to see a ball game between two teams. Turning to a little bat-boy, I asked: “What’s the score, boy?”
“Forty-two ta nuthin’,” he replied. “Ma side is out in field.”
“Is your side losing?” I asked.
“Losin’? Why man alive, we ain’t bin to bat yet.”
A Quiet Rooster
A man, hearing a noise in his chicken roost, walked out on his porch and hallowed, “Who’s there?”
Still no answer.
“Answer or I’ll shoot. Who’s there?”
Then a shaky voice answered, “Nobody – just us chickens.”
The Right Answer
Fresh: “Say, Prof, how long could I live without brains?”
Prof: “That remains to be seen.”
City Man (pompously): “I work with my head, sir.”
Countryman: “That ain’t nothin’. So does a woodpecker.”
Mother: “Tommy, what are you doing in the pantry?”
Tommy: “Oh, just putting a few things away.”
Ready for Him
“One of them city fellers tried to sell me the Woolworth Building.”
“What did you say?”
“I sez, ‘All right, young feller, wrap it up.’”
A henpecked little man was about to take an examination for life insurance.
“You don’t dissipate, do you?” asked the physician. “Not a fast liver, are you?”
The man hesitated a moment, looked a bit frightened, then replied in a small, piping voice: “I sometimes chew a little gum.”
A brass band once visited a small village and the people were delighted with it, but they couldn’t make head or tail of the trombone, so they sent for Old Peleg Hoskins, who claimed he understood music.
Old Peleg watched the performance of the trombone player for some time. Then he said with a sneer:
“Take no notice of him, fellows. There’s a trick in it; he don’t swallow it every time.”
One predicts a future for the schoolboy who wrote the following terse narrative about Elijah:
“There was a man named Elijah. He had some bears and lived in a cave. Some boys tormented him. He said: ‘If you keep on throwing stones at me, I’ll turn the bears loose and they’ll eat you up.’ And they did and he did and the bears did.”
“Well, sir,” asked the musician, “what do you think of my compositions?”
“What do I think of them?” said the critic. “Well, they will be played when Gounod, Beethoven and Wagner are forgotten.”
“Yes, but not before.”
There was a young lady named Lin,
Who was so exceedingly thin
That when she essayed
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
Hard to Tell
“Was your barn hurt during the cyclone?”
“I dunno. I ain’t found it yet.”
Aviator: “How would you like a trip?”
Rastus: “No, suh. I stays on the terrah firmah, and the more firmah the less terrah.”
Kind Old Lady: “Here’s a quarter for you; and, by the by, the lady next door wants someone to beat her rugs.”
Tramp: “Thanks for the warnin’, lady.”
“Are you the man who cut my hair last time?”
“I couldn’t be, sir, I’ve only been here a year.”
He rushed into the room where his wife was sitting.
“My dear,” he said, excitedly, “guess what’s happened! Intelligence has just reached me –”
“Well, thank Heaven, Harry!” she replied, rushing to embrace him.
The Fire Eater
There was a terrible racket in the cafeteria.
“What’s all the fuss here?” asked an incoming patron.
“Oh,” replied an outgoing one, “the fire-eater from the circus was in here and he burned his mouth on the soup.”