Tired of Angling
Ole was in the courthouse and stammeringly asked for a license.
“Hunting license?’ asked the clerk.
“Oh, no. Ay ban hunting long enough, Ay want to get married now.”
“Alfred,” said his mother in a low, tense voice, “if you disobey me, I will spank you right here on the street.”
The little fellow looked up. “Mother,” he inquired with interest, “where would you sit?”
A Common Experience
“Here’s something queer,” said the dentist. “You say this tooth has never been worked on before, but I find small flakes of gold on my instrument.”
“I think you have struck my back collar button,” moaned the victim.”
He Had a Sty in His Eye
Hi: “What made you fire your new hired man?”
Si: “I told him to take some skim milk to the pigs, and he went and served it to the summer boarders.”
Short on Gas
This is the latest joke John D. Rockefeller is telling his friends: “I was in the central part of the State this summer to visit some of the spots where I spent my childhood. My car had stopped and I was looking around. An old farmer came up to the car and started to talk to me. he didn’t know who I was. We chatted together for about five minutes, when he asked me where I was going. “‘I’m going to heaven,’ I replied with a smile. “‘Get out!” he said. ‘You ain’t got enough gasoline.’”
With Apologies to Longfellow
The shades of night were falling fast,
The guy stepped on it and rushed past,
A crash – he died without a sound,
They opened up his head and found –
The Would-Be Singer
“Miss Screecher!” exclaimed the music teacher in despair to his pupil. “Remember, you are singing an ‘Invitation to Summer.’ You are begging it to come – not daring it.”
Dora: “The man I marry must be brave.”
Flora: “Don’t be such a gloom, dearie – you’re not so terribly homely.”
In the Restaurant
“Waiter!” From the table by the window the voice of an elderly gentleman rose in accents wrathful. “Take this egg away.”
“Yes, sir,” said the waiter obligingly, as he glanced wistfully at the offending article. “And – and what shall I do with it, sir?”
“Do with it?” The outraged customer rose menacingly from his chair. “Do with it?” he bellowed fiercely. “Why, wring its neck.”
Something about Trousers
An Oregon man was trying to sell a horse. The animal was wind-broken but sleek. The owner trotted him around for inspection and bringing him back to the prospect he stoked the horse’s back and remarked, “Hasn’t he a lovely coat?”
The prospect said as he looked at the heaving flanks of the animal, ‘Yeah, his coat’s all right, but I don’t like his pants.”
Looked Like It
Judge: “Are you sure he was drunk?”
Minion of the Law: “Well, his wife said he brought home a manhole cover and tried to play it on the phonograph.”
Autoist: “I haven’t paid a cent for repairs on my machine all the ten months I have had it.”
Friend: “So said the man who did the repairs.”
Walking is Good
“Would you like to take a nice long walk?” she asked.
“Why, I’d love to,” replied the young man caller, joyously.
“Well, don’t let me detain you.”
In Old England
American Visitor: “Why didn’t they show a comedy instead of this scene?”
English Host: “Oh, they never show comedies at the movies in England on Saturday night. They’re afraid they’ll cause laughter in the churches the next day.”
What Fools These Mortals Be!
It was the first quarrel since their marriage, and he was getting the worst of it. “Well, men are fools to marry!” he said at last.
“Of course they are,” she answered, “but what are women to do? There’s nothing else they can marry.”
The Daily Question
Battered Motorist (waking up): “Where am I? Where am I?”
Nurse: “This is number 116.”
Motorist: “Room or cell?”
All in the Ticking
“Last night I woke up with a strange impression that my watch was gone,” said Jack, “so I got up and looked.”
“And had it gone?” asked Tom.
“No, but it was going.”
Lady (to new housemaid engaged by letter: “Why didn’t you tell me when you wrote answering my question so fully, that you were Scotch, Mary?”
Mary: “I dinna like to be boasting, mem.”
Stuttering Blacksmith (at the forge): “S-s-s-strike that h-horse shoe q-q-quick!” Nervous Assistant: “W-w-w-w-where sh-sh-shall I s-s-s-strike it?”
Stuttering Blacksmith: “N-n-n-n-never m-m-m-mind n-n-n-now. It’s c-c-c-cold!”
“Ah shuah does pity you,” said a colored pugilist to his opponent as they squared off. “Ah was bohn with boxin’ gloves on.”
“Maybe you was,” retorted the other, “and ah reckon you’s goin’ to die de same way.”
A well known man writhed in a barber chair. The barber was dull and his razor seemed to share his disappointment. “I’ve just about decided to open a butcher shop,” he said, reaching for the powdered astringent.
“And will you close this one?” his victim gasped feebly.
Out of the Mouths of Babes
When little Alex appeared at grandma’s house wearing his first boy’s trousers she pretended not to recognize him. “Oh, it’s a strange little boy,” she said. “It can’t be Alex, because Alex wears rompers.”
“But it is Alex, grandma,” he insisted, glancing down at his new trousers, “’cause I was there and saw mother put ’em on me.”