Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1913 (8)
 


Funny Bones, 1913 (8)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - November 16, 2013

Their Favorite Color

English Girl: “You American girls have not such healthy complexions as we have. I cannot understand why our noblemen take a fancy to your white faces.”

American Girl: “It isn’t our white faces that attract them, my dear; it’s our greenbacks.”

Why

Teacher: “And now, who can tell me why we should always be neat and clean?”

Little Lizzie: “In case of accident, ma’am.”


Not Dangerous

Pat: “Oi hear yer wife is sick, Moike.”

Mike: “She is that.”

Pat: “Is it dangerous she is?”

Mike: “No; she’s too weak to be dangerous any more.”

A Real Philanthropist

“Oh, thank you,” exclaimed an elderly woman to a laborer who surrendered his seat in a crowded car; “thank you, very much!”

“That’s orl right, mum,” was the rejoinder.

As the woman sat down the chivalrous laborer added:

“Wot I ses is, a man never ort to let a woman stand. Some men never gets up unless she’s pretty, but you see, mum, it don’t make no difference to me.”

He Knew What to Expect

A small boy who attends a district school was vaccinated recently, and after the arm had been dressed the attending physician suggested that he place a ribbon with the word “Vaccinated” round it.

At this the youngster spoke up. “Put it round the other arm,” he said.

“But that won’t do any good,” protested the doctor. “It wants to be placed round the sore arm so that the boys at school won’t be hurting it.”

The lad looked at him disgusted and replied: “You put it round the other arm. You don’t know the kids at our school.”

A New Specimen

Dressed in the latest and most approved motor-cycling costume and goggles, the motor-cyclist gayly toot-tooted his way toward the Zoo. Suddenly he dismounted and said to a small, grubby urchin: “I say my boy, am I right for the Zoo?”

The boy gasped at so strange a sight, and thought it must be some new animal for the gardens.

“You may be all right if they have a spare cage,” said he, doubtfully, “but you’d stood a better chanst if you’d only had a tail.”

The Path, All Right

Teacher – “What is the Milky Way?”

Willie – “It’s the path the cow took when she jumped over the moon.”

Too Low Down

His Ma – “Now, Freddie, you got that headache from eating green apples.”

Freddie – “Green apples never gave me a pain that high before.”

Classified

Teacher – “Now, children, are your fathers bipeds or quadrupeds?”

Child (timidly, after a painful silence) – “Please, miss, they’re all Republicans in this ward.”

The Doctor Misjudged Her

“Do you assimilate your food, aunty?”

“No, I don’t, sir. I buys it open an’  honest, sir.”

Or Behind the Barn

Parson: “Do you know where little boys go to when they smoke?”

Boy: “Yes; up the alley.”

He’d Furnish the Cat

Teacher: “Appropriate means fit. Can you give me an example?”

Willie: “No, I can’t; but our old cat can. She has ‘em.”

And Both Kept Busy

He: “What do you women do at your club?”

She: “Talk about the faults of you men. What do you do at yours?”

He: “Try to forget the faults of you women.”

Reciprocity

“Didn’t you promise never to do it again?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And I said I would whip you if you did, didn’t I?”

“Yes, Pa; but as I didn’t keep my promise, I won’t hold you to yours.”

Ask Father

“Pa, what is a pillory?”

“A what?”

“A pillory. Teacher asked me yesterday and I didn’t know.”

“Why, that’s a facetious term sometimes applied to a drug store. What won’t these schools put into your head next?”

Heart in the Right Place

“When you punish your boy do you spring that old one on him about how you are only doing it because you love him?”

“No, we have a friend who tried that, and his son said, ‘If I were big enough, dad, I’d return your love.’”

He Spoke Too Soon

“Here,” began a woman, “here’s an article in the paper on ‘Woman’s Work for the Feeble-Minded.’”

Her husband grunted.

“I’d like to know, he said, “what women have ever done for the feeble minded?”

“They usually marry them, dear,” replied his wife sweetly.

How It Happened

Bennie, aged four, met Henry, aged five, and the following conversation ensued:

“Whatsamatter your head?”

“Bumped it ona ceiling.”

“Ona stepladder?”

“No, I was playin’ ‘ith my papa ona floor an’ I was sitting on his tummy.”

“An’ nen what?”

“Papa sneezed.”

Better Left Unsaid

A retired clergyman tells a good story on himself. He used to officiate occasionally as a vacation supply in a suburban church. One Sunday he was accosted by an old lady, a housekeeper in the employ of a friend.

“I want to tell you, sir,” said she, “how much I enjoy going to church on the days that you preach.”

The clergyman said he was very much gratified to hear it.

“Oh, sir,” she added, with appalling candor, “I get such a good seat then!”



1 Comment »

  1. “Yes, Pa; but as I didn’t keep my promise, I won’t hold you to yours.” – If only I’d had that wit when I was a boy! Though that might’ve just earned an extra swat or two…

    Comment by JB — November 17, 2013 @ 9:08 am

Leave a comment

RSS feed for comments on this post.
TrackBack URI