Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1939 (7)
 


Funny Bones, 1939 (7)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - November 09, 2013

Vise Versa

Meeker – “Do you think the Senator put enough fire into his speech?”

Zimpir – “My opinion is he didn’t put enough of his speech into the fire.”

Rigid Economy

Isaacstein, Senior – “Abie, what for you go up the stairs two at a time?”

Isaacstein, Junior – “To safe my shoes, fadder.”

Isaacstein, Senior – “Dot’s right, my son. But look oudt you don’t split your pandts.”

Rebuked

Peeved Prof.:  “Listen here, young man, are you the professor of this class?”

Football bug: “No, Sir, I’m not.”

Peeved Prof.: “Well, then, stop acting like a jackass.”

Now He Knows

A man from Kansas was looking into the depths of the Grand Canyon. “Do you know,” said the guide, “it took millions of years for this great abyss to be carved out?”

The man from Kansas was tremendously impressed. “You don’t tell me,” he commented. “Why, I didn’t know this was a government job.”

“My Country, ‘Tis of Thee”

Little Boy: “Papa, does the chaplain pray for the congressmen?”

Papa (after reading the Congressional Record): “No, son, I am convinced that he looks at the congressmen and prays for the country.”

The Peak Period

Women talk more at certain times of the day than at others, a psychologist tells us. From about eight in the morning until midnight is said to be the peak period.

Well Protected

Father: “Fancy a big boy like you being afraid to sleep in the dark.”

Five-Year-Old: “It’s all very well for you; you’ve got Mother to look after you.”

A Discreet Nurse

Mistress: “Marie, when you wait on the table tonight for my guests, please don’t spill anything.”

Maid: “Don’t you worry ma’am; I never talk much.”

She Knew

The Optimist: “By the way, Mary, did you put my cooking outfit in the bag? I’ll want to fry some of the fish for lunch.”

His wife: “Yes, dear, and you’ll find a can of sardines there, too.”

A Chesterfieldian Biffer

Bjones: “Biffer claims to be a model husband. He says he is always polite to his wife.”

Jimson: “Yes, he never strikes her with his hat on.”

A War Story

Atkins: “I remember the time when our regiment was stationed near Babylon. Why, it was so hot we used to toast our bread in the sun, and …”

Jawson: “Yes, I know; and they supplied you with corkscrews to draw your breath.”

Demonstration

Wash White got a job in a sawmill. The boss put in him charge of a buzzsaw, showed him how the saw worked, warned him of its dangers, and then went away.

Wash was fascinated by the shining, whirling saw. But was it actually as sharp and terrible as the boss had said? To test it, he touched it gently with his finger. Bzzzz! and the finger was no more.

As Wash was ruefully tying up his hand in his bandana, the boss came back.

“Hullo, there, Washington. What’s the matter?”

“Buzzsaw done cut off mah finger, sah.”

“How the dickens did that happen?”

“Ah dunno, sah,” said Wash. “Ah just touched de darn contraption like this, an’ – fo’ de lan’ sake, der goes annuder one!”

Within the Law

Pahson: “Bruddah Pick, yo’ been fightin’ I hears.”

Pick: “Yass, pahson, Ah wuz.”

Pahson: “Doan yo’ ‘member whut de good book sez ‘bout turnin’ de odder cheek?”

Pick: “Yass, pahson, but he hit me on mah nose, an’ Ah’s only got one.”

Safety First

A candidate for the police force was being verbally examined.

“If you were alone in a police car and were pursued by a desperate gang of criminals in another car doing sixty miles an hour along a lonely road, what would you do?”

The candidate looked puzzled for a moment. “Eighty,” he replied.

A Good Reason

Mrs. Goofus (to hired girl): “What are you leaving for? Haven’t we always treated you just like one of the family?”

Ethelberta: “Yes, and I’m tired of it.

These College Boys

“So you graduated from a barber college? What is your college yell?”

“Cut his lip, cut his jaw, leave his face raw, raw, raw!”

Ambitious

Old Maid (to photographer) – “Can you make a good picture of me?”

Photographer – “We can do you justice.”

Old Maid – “Justice! Justice! It’s not justice, it’s mercy I want.”

He Knew

“Say, boy, somebody told me I would find a spanking good team in this neighborhood. Do you know where they are?”

“In our house, Mister. They’re pa and ma.”

And Ends in “Flop”

Jack – “He’s a crossword puzzle fighter.”

Mary – “What kind of fighter is that?”

Jack – “He goes in the ring vertical and comes out horizontal.”

What an Awakening

A motorist, who was picked up unconscious after a wreck, opened his eyes as he was being carried into a nearby garage and began to kick and struggle. When he was afterward asked the reason for his strange behavior, he explained that the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was a “Shell” sigh and that someone was standing in front of the “S.”

Oh, Shoot!

Lady – “I’d like some powder, please.”

Alert Clerk of General Store – “Yes’m – face, gun or bug?”

Pooled Their Talents

Plumber (arriving late) – “How have you managed?”

Householder – “Not so badly. While we were waiting for you to arrive, I taught the children to swim.”

The War Had Taught Him

Waiter – “And will you take macaroni au gratin, sir?”

Captain of Artillery – “No macaroni, by gad! – It’s too deuced difficult to mobilize.”

Good Proof

Daddy – “No, yer mother never drest the way you girls do today to catch a husband.”

Daughter – “Yes, but look at what she got.”



1 Comment »

  1. It’s most interesting to me *how.* they spell the words, so we get the dialect.

    Comment by Juliathepoet — November 13, 2013 @ 8:30 am

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