Where Ignorance is Bliss
Uncle: “You boys of today want too much money. Do you know what I was getting when I married your aunt?”
Nephew: “Nope! And I’ll bet you didn’t either.”
Dentist: ‘I’m sorry, I’m out of gas.”
Flapper: “Good heavens! Do dentists pull that stuff, too?”
Stenographer: “Your little girl wants to kiss you over the phone.”
Busy Manager: “Take the message. I’ll get it from you later.”
An Important Function
Teacher: “Tommy, can you tell me one of the uses of cowhide?”
Tommy: “Yes, teacher, it keeps the cow together.”
She: “John, don’t you think he is the image of his father?”
He: “Yes, and she is the talkie of her mother.”
There Was – Not!
There was once a film actress who never wrote any testimonials for cigarets, soap, shampoo powder, bath salts, tooth paste, vanity cases, chocolates, hats or baking powder. She was a trained seal.
“My sister was lucky the other night. She was at a party where they played a game in which the men had to kiss the girls or buy them a box of chocolates.”
“How was your sister lucky?”
“She came home with 14 boxes of chocolates.”
Four-year-old Jimmy told his mother upon his return from Sunday School that he had learned a new memory verse, and Mother was trying to ascertain if he understood the verse he was saying, “Children, obey your parents.”
She asked, “Jimmy, do you know what parents are?”
“Of course,” promptly replied Jimmy. “They are birds that talk!”
A Chinese had a toothache and phoned a dentist for an appointment.
“Two-thirty all right?” asked the doctor.
“Yes,” replied the Celestial. “Tooth hurtee, all right. What time I come?”
Mistress: “So your matrimonial life was very unhappy. What was the trouble – December wedded to May?”
Chloe: “Lan sake, no, mam! It was Labor Day wedded to de Day ob Rest!”
Not So Good
“What’s that extraordinary noise?” asked the farmer.
“That,” replied his wife, “is Jane cultivating her voice.”
“That ain’t cultivatin’,” said the farmer. “That’s harrowin’.”
My little nephew had taken his mother’s powder puff and was in the act of powdering his face when his small sister, aged five, snatched it from him. “You mustn’t do that,” she exclaimed. “Only ladies use powder – gentlemen wash theirselves!”
Without an Equal!
The teacher was trying to impress upon her pupils’ minds the distinction accorded Francis Scott Key.
“Why is he so famous?” asked the teacher.
“I guess because he knew all four verses of the Star-Spangled Banner,” was the reply.
Short on Samples
Porter: “Where’s your trunks?”
Salesman: “I use no trunks.”
Porter: “I thought you wuz a traveling salesman.”
Salesman: “I am, but I sell brains, understand? I sell brains.”
Porter: “Excuse me, but you iz the only fella that’s been here, who ain’t carrying no samples.”
Absent-minded dentist (extracting a nail from the tire of his car): “Quiet, now. You won’t feel this.”
He Butted In
Dad: “Say your prayers louder, son, I can’t hear you.”
Son: “I wasn’t talking to you!”
For Interior Decoration
“You want a package of ochre? Is it red ochre for painting?”
“No, it’s tappy ochre to make puddings with.”
A Queer Animal
Man is that peculiar animal who can get a good hearty laugh out of pictures in an old family album and then look in a mirror without as much as a grin.
“What shall I do?” wailed the sweet young thing; “I’m engaged to a man who just cannot bear children.”
“Well,” remarked the kindly old lady, “You mustn’t expect too much of a husband!”
What Did He Do to It?
A rookie in the cavalry was told to report to the captain.
“Private Rooney,” said the officer, “take my horse down and have him shod.”
For three hours the captain waited for his horse. Then, impatiently, he sent for Rooney. “Private Rooney,” he said, “where is that horse I told you to have shod?”
“Omigosh!” gasped the private, growing pale around the gills. “Omigosh! Did you say SHOD?”
The Restless Hired Man
Silas: “What’s that I hear, Hiram, about your hired man falling off the roof when he was shingling the barn last week?”
Hiram: “Yeah. He fell in a barrel of turpentine.”
Silas: “Did it hurt him much?”
Hiram: “Don’t know. They ain’t caught him yet.”
Mrs. Higgins had just paid the last installment on a perambulator.
Shop Assistant: “Thank you, madam. How is the baby getting on now?”
Mrs. Higgins: “Oh, he’s all right. He’s getting married next week.”
Rubbing It In
He: “Did you make these biscuits with your own little hands?”
She: “Yes. Why?”
He: “I just wondered who lifted them out of the oven for you.”
A bachelor friend of hours has hay fever so badly he sneezes when passing a grass widow.
The reason a Scotch bagpiper walks up and down when playing is because it is always harder to hit a moving target.
“There is a little disorder now in our crowded prisons,” says an official. “We understand prisoners who break the rules are threatened with paroles.”
An Excusable Error
Detroit is connected with Canada by a tunnel, said a radio speaker the other night.
We thought he said funnel.