Rattling the Skeleton
Pupil (after lesson on creation) – “But, teacher, daddy says we are descended from monkeys.”
Teacher – “We can’t discuss your private family affairs in class.”
Plug – “My dad’s so tough he cuts his finger nails with an ax and brushes his teeth with a file.”
Ugly – “Huh! My dad’s so tough he cleans his mitts wid sandpaper and shaves his mug wid a blowtorch.”
Bill was an enthusiastic dancer, but awkward. Emily was light as dandelion down.
“My, but you’re a graceful dancer,” Bill exclaimed as they fox-trotted. “I wish I were in your shoes.”
“Nice of you,” she said demurely, “but would you mind not trying to get in them until after the dance?”
No Quarter or Succor
Indifference is sometimes acquired at a very young age, and we have as example the little boy who said to his father:
“Say, Dad, that apple I just ate had a worm in it, and I ate that too.”
“What?” said his startled parent. “Here, drink this water and wash it down.”
But Junior shook his head. “Aw, let ‘im walk down.”
Meek but Pungent
The motorcycle cop drove up beside the car that was holding up the line.
“Can’t yer go any faster?” he roared.
“Yes,” was the calm reply, but I don’t want to leave the car.”
An American in England was giving some illustrations of the size of his country.
“You can entrain in the state of Texas at dawn,” he said impressively, “and twenty-four hours later you’ll still be in Texas.”
“Yes,” said one of his English listeners, “we’ve got trains like that here, too.”
Farmer – “An’ how’s Lawyer Jones doing, doctor?”
Doctor – “Poor fellow, he’s lying at death’s door.”
Farmer – “That’s grit fer ye; at death’s door and still lying!”
Not at all Exclusive
Diner – “Do you serve crabs here?”
Waiter – “We serve anyone; sit down.”
Fisherman – “I tell you, it was that long. I never saw such a fish!”
Friend – “I believe you!”
Helen – “They say that girl over there puts all her father makes on her back.”
Toni – “Evidently he must be out of a job now.”
“How do the writers of film scenarios get new ideas?” asks a writer.
It Goes to Your Head
“Yes, I know fish is brain food, but I don’t care so much for fish. Hain’t there some other brain food?”
“Well, there’s noodle soup.”
Motorist – “I’m sorry, I ran over your hen. Would a dollar make it right?”
Farmer – “Well, better make it two. I have a rooster that was mighty fond of that hen and the shock might kill him too.”
In the Bull’s Eye
“You seem to have plenty of intelligence for a man in your position,” sneered the cross-examining lawyer.
“If I were not under oath, I’d return the compliment,” snapped the witness.
Wife: “That couple next door seem very devoted. He kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that?”
Hubby: “I don’t know her well enough yet.”
Policeman: “What have you got in those two satchels?”
Bootlegger: “Sugar for my coffee in that one.”
Policeman: “What’s in the other?”
Bootlegger: “Sugar for my tea.”
Policeman (wielding his night stick): “Well, here’s a lump for your cocoa.”
True to His Trust
Pat was on trial for murder. On learning his friend Tom was on the jury he went to him and said:
“Now, Tom, I know I ought to be convicted of first-degree murder, but I’ll give you $500 if you can get me a verdict of manslaughter.”
The day of the trial pat was very nervous and increasingly so as the jury deliberated hour after hour. Finally they marched in, and the foreman said – “We find him guilty of ‘manslaughter’.”
Pat was so thankful he immediately handed his friend a check not for $500 but for $1,000.
“That’s all right,” replied Tom, “although I will admit it was one tough job. There were the other eleven of them all for ‘acquittal,’ but believe me, I just held out for ‘manslaughter’ like you said.”
Life’s Darkest Moment
One of the turns in the entertainment after the annual dinner of a famous London firm was provided by a conjurer. For one of his tricks he asked for the assistance of someone from the audience.
A man went up, and while the audience waited for the conjurer to continue the trick, someone in the front row called: “Hi! Don’t you make ‘im disappear. ‘E’s our treasurer!”
No Wings Over Rastus
Two men who had not seen each other in five years discovered each had been married during this time. “What kinda woman did you-all get, Mose?” asked Rastus.
“She’s an angel, Rastus, that’s what she is.”
“Boy, you sure are lucky. Mine’s still livin’,” Rastus muttered sorrowfully.
No Party Collar
The silver plated bath sponge goes to the youngster who defined a mugwump as a bird that sits on a fence with its mug on one side and its wump on the other.
Try Him With a Peanut
Girl – “Every time I look at you I think of a great man.”
Boy Friend – “You flatter me. Who is it?”
Girl – “Darwin.”
He – “Do you believe kissing is unhealthy?”
She – “I couldn’t say – I’ve never –”
He – “You’ve never been kissed?”
She – “I’ve never been sick.”
On the Safe Side
A kind old gentleman, seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm, said:
“Don’t all those papers make you tired, my boy?”
“Naw. I don’t read ‘em,” replied the lad.