Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1929 (6)
 


Funny Bones, 1929 (6)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - October 12, 2013

A Bright Pupil

Teacher: “Name four beasts of prey.”

Pupil: “Three tigers and a lion.”

Doubtful

Skjold: “Will you join me in a bowl of soup?”

Bjorn: “Do you think there’d be room for both of us?”

Somewhat Hazardous

Comedian: “Look here, I object to going on right after that monkey act.”

Manager: “You’re right. They may think it’s an encore.”

Mistaken Identity

Conductor (after stumbling over obstacle in the aisle): “Madam, you must not leave your valise in the aisle.”

Lady: “That ain’t no valise. That’s my foot.”

An Impressionist

Henry Peck: “Do you think you can make a good portrait of my wife?”

Artist Schram: “My friend, I can make it so life-like you’ll jump every time you see it.”

Maybe

A certain newspaper that made a practice of answering inquiries from readers received this one: “Please tell me what is the matter with my chickens. They go to roost apparently well. The next morning we find one or more on their backs on the floor, stiff, combs white, and feet in the air.”

It was the editor’s busy day, and this was the answer his reader received: “Dear sir, Your chickens are dead.”

No Returns Yet

Al Falfa: “Did the hurricane last week damage your barn?”

Timothy Hay: “I dunno. I ain’t found it yet.”

The Wrong Wave

Clover Hay (fishing at the radio): “Be quiet a minute, mother – won’t you please? I think I’ve got Honolulu.”

Mrs. Hay: “Got nothin’! It’s your father’s stomach rumblin’ from eatin’ all that short-cake.”

Correct

A teacher instructing her pupils in the use of the hyphen, asked them to give her an example of its use, and the word bird-cage was submitted by a small boy.

“That’s right,” she encouragingly remarked. “Now, tell me why we put a hyphen in bird-cage?”

“It’s for the bird to sit on,” was the startling reply.

Warning to Burglars

A maiden lady was aroused one night to find a man in her room. She neither fainted nor screamed. Instead she indicated an armchair and said: “Sit down there, sir. I want to talk to you.”

An hour later there came a frantic ring on the telephone at police headquarters and a voice said: “There’s a burglar in Miss Spinster’s bedroom at number 2313 Blank street. Send the police at once, for heaven’s sake!”

“All right,” answered the sergeant. “Is this Miss Spinster speaking?”

“No,” came back the anguished voice, “this is the burglar.”

Annual Wash

“Where do you bathe?”

“In the spring.”

“I didn’t ask you when, I asked you where.”

A Misunderstanding

Allspice: “Did I ever tell you about the awful fright I got on my wedding day?”

Sage: “Careful, old fellow. No man should speak that way about his wife.”

A Counter-Claim

Grocer: “Er – you haven’t paid for your turkey yet, madam.”

Customer: “No. My husband sprained his wrist so badly carving it he can’t write out your check.”

A Grammatical Accident

“What was the excitement down the street?”

“Oh, a man in a reverie ran into a woman in a tantrum.”

“Were the machines badly damaged?”

Railroad Repartee

Old Lady: “Oh, conductor, please stop the train. I dropped my wig out of the window.”

Conductor: “Never mind, madam; there is a switch just this side of the next station.”

Law Abiding Citizen

Not long ago Deacon Miller bought a horse and buggy and took his wife out one Sunday for a drive. They came to our neighboring town of Osseo and saw a sign which read, “Speed limit, fifteen miles per hour.”

“Here, ma,” said the deacon excitedly, “you take the lines and drive, and I’ll use the whip. Maybe we can make it.”

Obedient

Young Wife: “Mother, I can’t live with Arthur. He made faces at me and told me to go to the devil.”

Mother: “And what did you do?”

Young Wife: “I came right home to you.”

An Unappreciated Favor

“What’s all the hollering down at the river bank?”

“The gang’s washing Pete’s clothes for him.”

“Well, what of it?”

“Well, Pete’s still inside of them.”

What Johnny Thought

Little Johnny, aged seven, had been taken to the Zoo to see the animals. He stood before the spotted leopard’s cage for a few minutes staring intently. Then, turning to his mother, he asked, “Say, Ma, is that the Dotted Lion that everybody wants Dad to sign on?”

The Wrong George

A timekeeper for a railroad gang asked a new workman his name.

“George Washington, sir,” replied the son of toil.

“You’re not the man who cut down the cherry tree, are you?” asked the timekeeper, jokingly.

“No, sir! Wasn’t me, sir. This is the first work I’ve done for over a year.”

Very Obliging

Cholly (to shopman): “I say – aw – could you take that yellow tie with the pink spots out of the show window for me?”

Shopman: “Certainly, sir. Pleased to take anything out of the window any time, sir.”

Cholly: “Thanks, awfully. The beastly thing bothaws me every time I pass. Good mawning.”

Sad But True

“What is puppy love?”

“It’s the beginning of a dog’s life.”



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