Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1925 (6)
 


Funny Bones, 1925 (6)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - September 28, 2013

A Swift World

Joe: “I had a tidy bit in the bank before I fell in love.”

Sue: “Ah, love makes the world go round.”

Joe: “Too true! So fast that I lost my balance.”

Saved by a Hair

Two men were becoming abusive in the course of a political quarrel.

“I think,” cried one of them, “that there is just one thing that saves you from being a bare-faced liar.”

“What’s that?’ asked the other.

“Your whiskers,” was the reply.

Obvious

Although he was a particularly long-suffering parent, there were times when his nerves gave way under the fire of the innumerable questions of his small son.

One evening as he was settling down to a quiet perusal of his paper a small voice piped, “Dad, am I made of dust?”

“I think not,” was the weary reply; “otherwise you would dry up now and again.”

Not Understood

“Four years ago,” said the patent medicine quack, “I was a miserable wreck; my face was yellow and haggard, my figure bent, and I had the look of a hounded man. What I ask, and I ask it again and again – what has brought this change in me?”

The silence was broken by one of the audience, who mildly inquired:

“What change?”

Short Cuts

Victim: “Cut the whole three short.”

Barber: “What three?”

Victim: “Hair, whiskers, and chatter.”

In Every Barber Shop

“Why the noise?”

“The barber is shaving himself.”

“But why the argument?”

“He is trying to persuade himself to have a shampoo.”

Helpful Hints

Boreleigh – “Now that I have detailed all the circumstances, what would you do if you were in my shoes?”

Miss Weereing (stifling a yawn) – “I’d point the toes toward the front door and give them a start.”

Ready for Her

A woman got on a trolley car and, finding that she had no change, handed the conductor a $10 bill. “I’m sorry,” she said, “but I haven’t a nickel.”

“Don’t worry, lady,” said the conductor, “you’ll have just 199 of ‘em in a minute.”

Canary Talk

Two small boys halted before a brass plate fixed on the front of a house, whereon was inscribed in bold characters the word “Chiropodist.”

“Chirrupodist!” remarked one of them perplexedly. “What’s that?”

“Why,” replied his companion, “a chirrupodist is a chap what teaches canaries to whistle.”

Misplaced

He: “I have an idea.”

She: “Be good to it. It’s in a strange place.”

And a Girl Doesn’t

“What’s the difference between a girl and a Victrola?”

“Well, a Victrola runs down.”

Adjustable

Old Man: “And how old are you, little man?”

Boy: “I’m five at home, six at school and three on the street cars.”

Defined

“Jack, you are a pig,” said a farmer to his five-year-old son. “Now, do you know what a pig is, Jack?”

“Yes, father,” replied the boy; “a pig is a hog’s little boy.”

Tree Talk

“What made the teacher so angry?” asked Johnnie’s father.

“Oh!” said Johnnie, “he was talking about trees, and I asked him if he had ever seen a pink palm. He said, ‘No,’ and I showed him my hand!”

A Substitute

“Willie, where did you get that black eye?”

“Johnny Smith hit me.”

“I hope you remember what your Sunday School teacher said about heaping coals on the heads of your enemies.”

“Well, Ma, I didn’t have any coal, so I just stuck his head in the ash barrel.”

Not Modern

Those who believe that bobbed hair is a modern custom are reminded that the Sphinx started the style many centuries ago, as the above picture will attest.

Delayed

He (during the interval) – “What did you say your age was?”

She (smartly) – “Well, I didn’t say, but I’ve just reached twenty-one.”

“Is that so? What detained you?”

Correct

Teacher: “Willie, make a sentence using the word ‘arrears’.”

Willie: “Helen has dirt behind arrears.”

Teacher: “Take your seat, Willie.”

There Is a Difference

“A man is never older than he feels,” declared the ancient beau bravely. “Now, I feel like a two-year-old.”

“Horse or egg?” asked the sweet young thing brightly.

A Good Reason

Girl: “Do you know why I call this dog Ring?”

Boy: “No. Why?”

Girl: “Because that’s his name.”

Not Scriptural

Jr.: “Pop, why was Adam made first?”

Sr.: “To give him a chance to say a little something, I suppose.”



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