“I am not much of a mathematician,” said the cigarette, “but I can add to a youth’s nervous troubles, I can subtract from his physical energy, I can multiply his aches and pains, and I can divide his mental powers.”
Her Father’s Head Tells a Tale
“Billie,” said the mother sorrowfully, “every time you are naughty I get another grey hair.”
“Mother,” said Bright Billie, “you must have been a terror. Look at Grandpa’s grey head.”
A publisher in New York told one of his clerks to hang out a card with the words “Boy wanted. “Five minutes later, a little fellow appeared in the shop with the card in his hand. “Say, mister,” he said to the publisher, “did you hang this card out?”
“Yes, I did,” said the publisher, sternly. “Why did you take it down?”
The boy looked astonished at such a question, and replied: “Because I’m the boy.”
The publisher could not withstand such self-confidence, and engaged the boy at once.
How He Gets It
“Does the baby talk yet?” asked a friend of the family. “No,” replied the little brother disgustedly; “he doesn’t need to talk. All he has to do is to yell, and he gets everything in the house worth having.”
Teacher: “Well, Tommy, you have just heard that a reptile is an animal that creeps. Can you give me an illustration?”
“Yes, sir,” was Tommy’s prompt reply; “a baby.”
If It Was Yours
Willie: “I have an awful toothache.”
Tommie: “I’d have it taken out if it was mine.”
Willie: “Yes, if it was yours, I would, too.”
Give Me a Harder One
Visitor: “So you go to school, do you, Bobby?”
Bobby: “Yes, sir.”
Visitor:”Let me hear you spell ‘kitten.’”
Bobby: “I’m getting too big a boy to spell ‘kitten.’ Try me on ‘cat.’”
Why Flew the Fly?
“Why did the little fly fly?”
Jane asked the girl beside her;
“Because,”she answered with a sigh,
“The little spider spied ’er.”
Not Going Anywhere
Uncle John: “Hello, Tommy! Where are you going so early in the morning?”
Tommy (aged five): “I’m not goin’ anywhere, Uncle. I’m just coming back from where I was.”
From a Boy’s Essay on Soap
Soap is a kind of stuff made in cakes which you can’t eat. It smells good and tastes awful. Soap always tastes worse when you get it in your eye. Father says Eskimose don’t never use soap; I wish I was an Eskimose.
The lesson in natural history had been about the rhinoceros, and the teacher wanted to know how well the lesson had been learned.
“Now, name something,” she said, “that is dangerous to get near to, and that has a horn.”
“I know, teacher, I know,” called Bright Billie.
“Well, Billie, what is it?”
“An automobile,” said Billie.
The Order of the Bath
“Now, Dick,” said the teacher, “can you tell me what is the Order of the Bath?”
“Yes, Teacher,” replied Dull Dick. “In our house Wilfred comes first, then baby, then me.”
A Long Wait
“Grandpa, how old are you?”
“I am eighty-seven years old, my little dear.”
“Then you were born eighty years before I was.”
“Yes, my little girl.”
“What a long time you had alone waiting for me.”
Wanted, a Bald Spot
“Now, my little man,” said the barber to a youngster in the barber’s chair, “how do you want your hair cut?”
“With a hole in the top, like dad’s,” was the reply.
Hastening from Trouble
“My papa is a mounted policeman,” said the small boy to a visitor.
“Is that better than being a walking policeman?” asked the visitor.
“Course it is,” replied the small boy. “If there is trouble he can get away quicker.”
A Proposed Compromise
One day Dull Dickie got a sum to do. His teacher was very strict, and would not pass anything unless it was perfect. When the sum was done Dickie took it to the teacher, who found it to be just two cents wrong.
“Go back to your seat, and do it correctly,” said the teacher.
“Please, sir,” said Dickie, offering him two pennies, “I would rather pay the difference.”
He Got No Help
Teacher: “Did anybody help you with that map?”
Eric: “No, sir. My brother did it all himself.”
Dorothy was shopping with her mother when it began raining very hard. “Mama,” she asked, “why does it rain?”
“To make the grass and the vegetables grow and the strawberries, that you love so well, “was the reply.
“But why does it rain on the pavement?” demanded Dorothy.
“Now,” asked a teacher, “who can tell me what an oyster is?” There was silence for a moment. Then little Billy raised his hand. “I know,” he triumphantly announced. “An oyster is a fish built like a nut!”
A little boy was asked by his teacher to spell his name. It was Wootweel W. Woodd, and as he was used to it he rattled it off at great speed thus: “W, double O, double T, W, double E, double L, W, W, double O, double D.”
Never Put Off
Jim: “Dad, should the maxim, ‘Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today,’ always be acted on?”
Father (without thinking): “Yes, yes, my son, certainly.”
Jim: “Then I’d like to finish the plum pudding now.”