Teacher: “Johnny, can you tell me what a hypocrite is?”
Johnny: “Yes, ma’am. It’s a boy what comes to school with a smile on his face.”
All for Nothing
“Now, my son,” said the conscientious father, “tell me why I punished you.”
“That’s it,” blubbered the boy indignantly. “First you pounded the life out of me an’ now you don’t know what you done it for.”
Heard at Reno
“I had a long talk with your husband yesterday.”
“He’s an extremely interesting man – as I remember him.”
From a Sunday School Examination Paper
Question: “What effect did the Ten Commandments have upon the children of Israel?”
Answer: “The Ten Commandments made the children of Israel very miserable.”
The Brighter the Quicker
George Ade was the guest of honor at an afternoon reception when one of the charming ladies, wishing to compliment him, smilingly said: “Mr. Ade, many bright people come from Indiana, don’t they?”
“Yes,” replied Ade, “and the brighter they are the quicker they come.”
The Retort Courteous
“Why don’t you buy something at my table?” demanded the girl at the charity fair.
“Because I buy only from the homely girls,” said the man. “They have a harder time making sales.”
The girl was not offended, and he worked this right down the line.
Where the Professor Scored
“I have found a good way to catch rabbits,” said a “smart” Senior to Professor Richards, of Yale, in class one day.
“Tell it to me,” said the Professor.
“Crouch down behind a stone wall and make a noise like a turnip,” said the youth with a chuckle.
“A better way than that,” came the Professor’s quick retort, “would be for you to go and sit in a bed of cabbage heads and look natural.”
A party of young men were camping, and to avert annoying questions they made it a rule that the one who asked a question that he could not answer himself had to do the cooking.
One evening, while sitting around the fire, one of the boys asked: “Why is it that a ground-squirrel never leaves any dirt at the mouth of its burrow?”
They all guessed and missed. So he was asked to answer it himself.
“Why,” he said, “because it always begins to dig at the other end of the hole.”
“But,” one asked, “how does it get to the other end of the hole?”
“Well,” was the reply, “that’s your question.”
“Listen to this charming bit of obituary sentiment,” said a cynical bachelor: “He had been married forty years and was prepared to die.”
Magnate: “I give that lawyer ten thousand dollars a year to keep me out of jail.”
“Oh, John, please stop spending your money so foolishly.”
“Are you waiting for me, dear?’ she said, coming downstairs at last after spending half an hour fixing her hat.
“Waiting,” exclaimed the impatient man. “Oh, no, not waiting – sojourning.”
“There! You have a black eye, and your nose is bruised, and your coat is torn to bits,” said Mama, as her youngest appeared at the door. “How many times have I told you not to play with that bad Jenkins boy?”
“Now, look here, Mother,” said Bobby, “do I look as if we’d been playing?”
The teacher has recited “The Landing of the Pilgrims.” Then she requested each pupil to draw from his or her imagination a picture of Plymouth Rock.
Most of them went to work at once, but one little fellow hesitated, and at length raised his hand.
“Well, Willie, what is it?” asked the teacher.
“Please, ma’am, do you want us to draw a hen or a rooster?”
Of Two Evils
The little boy was evidently a firm believer in the old adage: “Of two evils choose the least.” Turning corner at full speed he collided with the minister.
“Where are you running to, my little man?” asked the minister, when he had regained his breath.
“Home!” panted the boy. “Ma’s going to spank me.”
“What!” gasped the astonished minister. “Are you eager to have your mother spank you that you run home so fast?”
“No,” shouted the boy over his shoulder as he resumed his homeward flight, “but if I don’t get there before pa he’ll do it.”
A Little Mixed
A strange woman, entering the church, had gone to the wrong pew. Nervously the young usher approached her. “Mardon me, padam, but you are occupewing the wrong pie. Allow me to sew you to another sheet.”
“Yes,” said the shopkeeper, “I want a good, bright boy, to be partly indoors and partly outdoors.”
“That’s all right,” said the applicant, “but what becomes of me when the door slams?”
A young woman who thought she was losing her husband’s affection went to a seventh daughter of a seventh daughter for a love-powder. The mystery-woman told her:
“Get a raw piece of beef, cut flat, about an inch thick. Slice an onion in two, and rub the meat on both sides with it. Put on pepper and salt, and toast it on each side over a red coal-fire. Drop on it three lumps of butter and two sprigs of parsley, and get him to eat it.”
The young wife did so, and her husband loved her ever after.
A parent who evidently disapproved of corporal punishment wrote the teacher; “Dear Miss: Don’t hit our Johnnie. We never do it at home except in self-defense.”