A boy and his best girl were seated in a buggy one evening watching the people pass. near by was a popcorn vender’s stand. Presently, the lady remarked: “My! that popcorn smells good!”
“That’s right,” said the gallant. “I’ll drive up a little closer so you can smell it better.”
“What is your occupation?”
“I used to be an organist.”
“And why did you give it up?”
“The monkey died.”
“Seen any mysterious strangers around here lately?” casually inquired the detective from the city.
“Wal,” answered Uncle Eben, “there was a feller over to town with the circus last week what took a pair o’ rabbits out o’ my whiskers.”
What Did He Mean
Dr. Crabbe had almost succeeded in dismissing Mrs. Gassoway, when she stopped in the doorway, exclaiming, “Why doctor, you didn’t look to see if my tongue was coated!”
“I know it isn’t,” said the doctor wearily. “You never find grass on a racetrack.”
A dear old lady was showing her new parrot to the gardener.
“You know, Joseph, that this parrot comes from the Congo, and the Congo parrots are so intelligent they seem almost human. This bird whistles ‘Home, Sweet Home’ so beautifully that the tears run down his beak.”
“Yes, mum,” commented Joseph. “I know them Congo parrots. Used to own one that whistled ‘The Village Blacksmith’ so beautifully that sparks used to fly from its bloomin’ tail.”
He – “May I have the next dance?”
She – “If you can find a partner.”
One of these big, strong men walked into a ladies’ store and said, ‘I want to get a set of ladies’ fur. The brown set in the window will do.”
To which the salesman said, ‘Oh! you mean skunk?”
And the salesman is still in the hospital.
Benefited by Bad Acoustics
During the talk of a lecturer provided by a Chatauquan bureau a man in the gallery shouted, “Speaker louder; we can’t hear a word up here.” Then a man in the fifth row shouted back to him, “Sit down, you fool, and thank heaven you can’t.”
Wanted Something to Cheer
The play was proceeding, but much to the audience’s agony, the thing was utterly rotten. At the end of the first act not a sign of applause was audible. The second act passed amid the same desolate silence. It, too, was a failure. As the curtain was lowered, the utter silence of the theater was broken by the imploring cry of a small boy:
“Aw, hang out an American flag, so somebody kin clap.”
A Draw on Imagination
“Smell anything, grandmother?” asked the youngster who was lying on the floor drawing.
Grandmother assured him she did not.
The young artist gave a few finishing touches and repeated his question. Grandmother sniffed the air and again declared she smelled nothing.
“Well,” said the boy, “you ought to. I have just drawed a skunk.”
Give it Gas
Instructor: “My boy, your work has fallen down; and if you are going to pick it up, you’ll have to step on it.”
Diner (trying to cut his steak): “Say waiter, how was this steak cooked?”
Waiter: “Smothered in onions, sir.”
Diner: “Well, it died hard.”
Then They’ll All Tremble
Doctor (at phone): “What’s wrong?”
Mrs. Stone: “Oh, Mrs. Smith’s boy is sick with a stomachache.”
Doctor: “Well, tell her there’s nothing to be afraid of until I come.”
A farmer came to town to insert a death announcement.
“How much do you charge?” he asked.
“Ten shillings an inch,” was the reply.
“Heavens! He was over six feet high!”
Schram, who had run out of gas on the outskirts of a country town, saw a boy coming along the road carrying a big tin can. “Say, boy!” he yelled; “I hope that’s gasoline you have in that can.”
“Well, I hope it ain’t,” returned the boy. “It would taste like the dickens on ma’s pancakes.”
On His Way
The old gentleman was lost in a London fog, so thick that he could scarcely see his hand before his face. He became seriously alarmed when he found himself in a slimy alley. Then he heard footsteps approaching.
“Where am I going?” he cried anxiously.
A voice replied weirdly from the darkness, “Into the river. I’ve just come out!”
100 Per Cent
Some quotations from Baltimore school examination papers:
A blizzard is the inside of a hen.
A circle is a round, straight line with a hole in the middle.
George Washington married Mary Curtis and in due time became the father of his country.
Sixty gallons make one hedgehog.
Georgia was founded by people who had been executed.
A mountain range is a large cook stove.
Achilles was dipped in the river Styx to make him normal.
Pompeii was destroyed by an eruption of saliva from the Vatican.
Typhoid fever is prevented by fascination.
“I have a new baby brother.”
“Is he going to stay?”
“I think so. He has all his things off.”
How They Got Acquainted
Ann; “When did you first become acquainted with your husband?”
Frances: “The first time I asked him for money after we were married.”
Lucky for Tommy
Tommy had fallen over and upset a dish of prunes. Picking himself up he observed – “That’s lucky.”
“Lucky?” demanded his mother. “What’s lucky?”
“It’s lucky I don’t like prunes.”