Old Gentleman – “I see that in London a man is run over every half hour.”
Old Lady – “Poor fellow!”
Jonesy: “Tell me, old man, who wears the trousers at your house?”
Smitty (depression victim): “Well, I’m wearing them today.”
“What shall I do?” wailed the sweet young thing; “I’m engaged to a man who just cannot bear children.”
“Well,” remarked the kindly old lady, “you mustn’t expect too much of a husband.”
No Charity Here
Sam – “Boy, you know dese corns on ma’ feet is killin’ me.”
Mose – “Why don’t you do sompin’ for ‘em?”
Sam – “Dey don’ do nuthin’ of’ me, do they? Let ‘em suffer.”
An old black man who had spent many years in a wheel chair wanted to go on one last coon hunt before he died. So he and his grandchildren, accompanied by several dogs, started out.
Hardly had they penetrated the swamp when they met a bear. All turned tail and ran, leaving poor Grandpap to his fate.
As they came panting into the yard they called: “Oh, mammy, mammy, grandpap done got et up by a b’ar.”
“Foolishment what yo speaks, chillen. Yo’ grandpap done come in five minutes ago wid de dogs!”
A Long Wait
The pompous stranger stalked into the office and demanded to see the manager.
“I’m sorry, but he’s not here,” replied the clerk. “Is there anything I can do?”
“No,” snapped the visitor. “I never deal with underlings. I’ll wait until the manager returns.”
“Very well, take a seat,” said the clerk.
About an hour alter the man became impatient. “How much longer do you think the manager will be?” he demanded.
“Nearly a fortnight,” was the reply. “He went away for his vacation this week.”
Judge – “I cannot conceive of a meaner, more cowardly act than yours of deserting your wife. Do you realize that you are a deserter?
Rastus – “Well, if you all done knowed dat lady as Ah does, boss, yu all sho wouldn’t call me no deserter. Ah is a refugee – dat’s what Ah is.”
The boat was sinking. The skipper rushed up to a crowd of scared passengers. “Who among you can pray?” he asked them.
“I can,” answered a minister.
“Then pray, mister,” ordered the skipper. “The rest of you put on life preservers. We’re one short.”
She – “I wonder if you’ll love me when my hair has turned to gray.”
He – “Why not? I’ve loved you every time you’ve changed color so far.”
Get Your Engine Working
“You’ll get more mileage in life,” says Philosopher Hank Crankshaft, “if you never shift your mouth into high gear until you’re sure your brain is turning over.”
He Tried Hard
“Did you fill your date last night?”
“I hope so; she ate everything in sight.”
“Doesn’t your wife miss you when you stay out till three in the morning?”
“Occasionally – but usually her aim is perfect.”
Off the Standard
Fond Mother: “I hope my little darling has been as good as gold all day.”
Nurse: “No, ma’am, he went off the gold standard about tea-time.”
Manager: “I hear you and the leading lady are on the outs.”
Electrician: “Yeah, it was one of those quick change scenes with the stage all dark. She asked for her tights and I thought she said lights.”
Prospective Brides Beware
An angry woman rushed into the registrar’s office. In her hand she bore a license. To the registrar she said: “Did you, or did you not, issue this license for marryin’ me to Albert Briggs?”
“Yes, I believe I did. Why?”
“Well, what are you going to do about it?” she demanded. “He’s escaped!”
What a world! By the time you’re important enough to take two hours for lunch, the doctor limits you to a glass of milk.
There’s no report yet of a reduction in the wages of sin.
What’s the idea of teaching a boy to play golf before he’s learned how to make a living?
There’s a terrible surplus of wheat in this country, but it could be worse. It could be spinach.
A small boy asked his father how wars begin. “Well,” said his father, “suppose that England quarreled with France –
“But,” interrupted the mother, “England mustn’t quarrel with France.”
“I know,” he answered, ‘but I am taking a hypothetical instance.”
“You are misleading the child,” said the mother.
“No, I am not,” he answered.
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I am not.”
“All right, dad,” said the small boy. “I think I know how wars begin.”
Make it Life-Like
Photographer (to young man): “It will make a much better picture if you put your hand on your father’s shoulder.”
The father: “It would be much more natural if he had his hand in my pocket.”
Caller (breathlessly): “Doctor, can you do anything for me? My name is Brown.”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, I haven’t any remedy for that.”
A Different Viewpoint
Husband: “We’ve had this car for years and never had a wreck.”
Wife: “You mean we’ve had this wreck for years and never had a car.”
“Did you hear Robinson snoring in church this morning? It was simply awful.”
“Yes, I did – he woke me up.”