Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1914 (7)
 


Funny Bones, 1914 (7)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - August 10, 2013

Evening Up

“Albert,” said Mrs. Dakin, to her youngest son, “when you divided those seven pieces of candy with your brother, did you give him four?”

“No, ma’am,” replied Albert. “You see, mother, I knew they wouldn’t come out even, so I ate one piece before I began to divide.”

The Reason

One day a Scottish boy and an English boy who were fighting were separated by their respective mothers with difficulty, the Scottish boy, though the smaller, being far the more pugnacious.

“What garred ye ficht a big laddie like that for,” said the mother, as she wiped the blood from his nose.

“And I’ll fight him again,” said the boy, “if he says Scotsmen wear kilts because their feet are too big to get into their trousers.”

Why Jonah Came Up

The regular teacher was absent from Sunday School one morning, and Mr. Eaton kindly offered to teach the class. He talked for a while, telling some Bible stories, and finally, looking toward a bright little boy, asked:

“Now, my little man, what does this fascinating story of Jonah and the whale teach us?”

“It teaches us,” said the boy, whose father always reads aloud to him practical articles on practical people, “that you cannot keep a good man down.”

Quick Butter-making

Mr. Doty was motoring through the country in a backwoods district and stopped at a farmhouse for a drink of water. While enjoying the drink, he chatted with the woman who stood nearby.

“I observe that there is a good deal of ague in this part of the country,” said the man. “I should think it would be a great drawback. It must unfit a man for work entirely.”

“Well, gener’ly it do,” replied the woman, “but, when my man, Joe, has a right hard fit of the shakes, we fasten the churn-dasher to him, and he brings the butter inside of fifteen minutes.”

The Altogether

A quick-witted Irish girl was being examined by the instructor.

“You were born in Ireland?”

“I was.”

“What part.”

“Why, all of me, of course.”

Politics at Home

Little Millie’s father and grandfather were Republicans; and, as election drew near, they spoke of their opponents with increasing warmth, never heeding Millie’s attentive ears and wondering eyes. One night, however, as the little maid was preparing for bed, she whispered I a frightened voice: “Oh, mama, I don’t dare to go up stairs. I’m afraid there’s a Democrat under the bed.”

What Figures Show

Sammy never over-exerted in the classroom. His mother was delighted when he came home one noon with the announcement, “I got 100 this morning.”

“That’s lovely, Sammy!” exclaimed his proud mother, and she kissed him tenderly. “What was it in?”

“Fifty in reading and fifty in ‘rithmetic.”

Complete Protection

Tourist: “You have an unusually large acreage of corn under cultivation. Don’t the crows annoy you a great deal?”

Farmer: “Oh, not to any extent.”

Tourist: “That’s peculiar, considering you have no scarecrows.”

Farmer: “Oh, well, you see, I’m out here a good part of the time myself.”

The Teacher Hit

Sunday School Teacher: “What do you understand by suffering for righteousness’ sake?”

Little Girl: “Please, miss, it means having to come to Sunday School.”

Knew His History

“Why do you sign your name Norah?” asked a teacher of one of the Chinese boys in his class. “Don’t you know that Norah is a girl’s name?”

“Oh, no,” was the reply. “Norah is the name of the famous American who built the ark.”

Undisputed Champion

“My dog took first prize at the cat show.”

“How was that?”

“He took the cat.”

Why Brown Ran

“Yes,” said Brown, “I have a wonderful dog. Only this morning, when I came down to breakfast, after a sleepless night, and forgot to give him his usual tit-bit, he went out into the garden, pulled up a bunch of flowers, and laid them at my feet.”

“And what were they?” inquired his friend.

“Forget-me-nots,” answered Brown, as he hurriedly left the room.

Antedated

“Which one of the Ten Commandments did Adam break when he ate the apple?” asked the Sunday School teacher.

“He didn’t break any,” replied one little fellow.

“Why not?” queried the teacher.

“Cause, there wasn’t any then.”

Smarty

Little Clarence: “Pa, that man going yonder can’t hear it thunder.”

Mr. Callipers: “Is he deaf?”

Little Clarence: “No, sir: it isn’t thundering.”

Aw Pshaw!

“Sir,” remarked the office boy to the editor, “it’s a strange thing that in Yorkshire they can’t hang a man with a wooden leg.”

“Nonsense; you must be mistaken, my boy. Why, I’m – ”

“It’s a fact, sir. They can’t hang a man with a wooden leg – they have to use a rope.”

Difficult

“If you want a thing well done, do it yourself.”

“Yes; but suppose you want a hair cut?”

A Remedy

Joe: “What is the easiest way to drive a nail without smashing my fingers?”

Josephine: “Hold the hammer in both hands.”

Alliteration

A growing gleam glowing green.

The bleak breeze blighted the bright broom blossoms.

Flesh of freshly dried flying fish.

It is simply impossible for anyone to repeat these three sentences fast. And almost equally difficult are the following:

Six thick thistle sticks.

Two toads totally tied tried to trot to Todbury.

Give Grimes Jim’s great gilt gig whip.

Strict, strong Stephen Stringer snared slickly six sickly silky snakes.

She stood at the door of Mrs. Smith’s fish sauce shop welcoming him in.

The Good Samaritan

Owner: “Here, what are you doing? Don’t you know you’re not allowed to take fish out of this water?”

Angler (three hours without a bite): “I’m not taking them out; I’m feeding them!”



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