Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1930 (6)

Funny Bones, 1930 (6)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - August 03, 2013

Old, but Clean (We Mean the Joke)

Housewife: “That ham you sold me yesterday was terrible!”

Shrugging Butcher: “But it was cured last month.”

Housewife: “Then it had a relapse!”

The Response Courteous

Peewit: “How did Ungletrese die?”

Dismuke: “He kicked a mule.”

Peewit: “Kicked a mule?”

Dismuke: “Yes, and the mule returned the compliment.”

Natural Result

Returned Native Son: “What became of the stained glass windows in the church?”

Constant Inhabitant: “Well, you see, they was washed.”

He Knew His Onions

Old Salt: “Old man, if you only told your wife the truth about everything, you’d get some place.”

Older Salt: “Yeah, and I’d get there in an ambulance.”

Doubtful Economy

Gooberpea (at Municipal Baths): “What does a bath cost?”

Attendant: “Fifty cents – you can have 12 tickets for $5.”

Gooberpea: “Twelve! But I may not live that many years.”

Score One for Sandy

McTavish: “That’s a fine building for ye. What dae ye think o’ it?”

American (visiting Scotland): “Say, that’s nothing. We’ve got hundreds of buildings like that but bigger and better.”

MacTavish: “Ay, I expect ye have. That’s an asylum.”

She Wanted to be Sure

Lum Bago: “I told the cook to prepare the fowl so that it would tickle my palate.”

Addie Noyd: “Did she obey?”

Lum Bago: “Yes; she left half the feathers on.”

Dangerous Experiment

Skikshininy: “They tell me you were arrested for disorderly conduct the other night.”

Obfuscain: “Yes, I tried being a pal to my boy.”

To Ease His Conscience

Milt Fall had been fishing, but with bad luck. On his way home he entered a fish market and said to the dealer,”Harry, stand over there and throw me five of the biggest of those trout.”

“Throw ‘em? What for?” asked the dealer in amazement.

“I want to tell the family I caught ‘em. I may be a poor fisherman, but I’m no liar.”

By Simple Division

Farmer Cornstock was showing a City Feller over the farm. “How many sheep do you think are in that flock?” he asked.

After some hesitation the visitor replied: “Oh, about 500.”

Farmer Cornstock was astonished. “Absolutely correct,” he declared.”How did you do it?”

“Well,” the City Feller explained, “I just counted the legs and divided by four.”

Not So Good

Cowboy Joe – “So you rode in a rumble seat last night?”

Cowboy Jim – “Yeh, and believe me, I’ll be glad to get back on a horse again.”

Nor Any Other Town

Old Lady: “Sonny, can you direct me to the Commercial National Bank?”

Sonny: “I kin for a nickel. Bank directors don’t work for nawthin’ in this town.”

A Sure Proof

Goozlum: “Your friend certainly is a Scotchman.”

Whillikins: “What makes you say that?”

Goozlum: “Well, I gave him a rabbit’s foot for luck and he cooked it.”

Too Commonplace

Miss Gusher – “How wonderful to see that volume of water tumbling down Niagara Falls.”

Guide (bored) – “How much more wonderful it would be to see it all going up the other way.”

A Self Winder

Employer: “Late again, Smith.”

Clerk: “I’m sorry, sir, but last night my wife presented me with a boy.”

Employer: “She’d have done better to present you with an alarm clock.”

Clerk: “I rather fancy she has, sir.”

After the Game Was Over

Ira – “This is our tenth wedding anniversary. Shall we go home and kill a chicken?”

Nora – “Why kill a chicken for what happened ten years ago?”

Entranced Buddha

Farmer Haye: “That Jones boy who used to work for you wants me to give him a job. Is he steady?”

Farmer Seede: “Well, if he was any steadier, he’d be motionless.”

A Sophisticated Justice

Justice: “How did the accident happen?”

Stremie: “Why I dimmed my lights and was hugging a curve.”

Justice: “Yeah, that’s how most accidents happen.”

A Favorable Symptom

Mabel – “When you spoke to father, did you tell him you had a thousand dollars in the bank?”

Jack – “Yes.”

Mabel – “And what did he say?”

Jack – “He borrowed it.”

Too Speedy

First Constable: “Did you get that feller’s number?’

Second Constable: “Naw, he was too goldarned fast for me.’

First Constable: “That was a pretty brown-eyed gal he had in the back seat.”

Second Constable: “It sure was.”

Some Runner!

“Yes, sir,” panted the new shepherd. “I got all the sheep in, but I had to run some to get those lambs.”

“Lambs? I have no lambs. Let’s see what you got,” was the answer.

Looking into the shed, the astonished owner saw fourteen panting jack-rabbits.


1 Comment »

  1. Obfuscain? I love the names in this one.

    Comment by Carol — August 5, 2013 @ 10:19 pm

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