Little Willie: “Mom, you said the baby has your eyes and Daddy’s nose, didn’t you?”
Mother: “Yes, darling.”
Willie: “Well, you’d better watch him. He has grandpa’s teeth now.”
An angry woman rushed into the clerk’s office. In her hand she bore a license. Turning to the clerk, “Did you, or did you not, issue this license for marrying me to Albert Briggs?” she demanded.
“Yes, I believe I did. Why?”
“Well, what are you going to do about it?” she stormed. “He’s escaped.”
He was a bit shy, and after she had thrown her arms around him and kissed him for bringing her a bouquet of flowers, he arose and started to leave.
“I am sorry I offended you,” she said.
“Oh, I’m not offended,” he replied. “I’m going for more flowers.”
“Did you notice that insolent conductor looking at you as though you hadn’t paid your fare?”
“Yes, and did you notice me looking at him as though I had?”
Thirty Million “Hot Dogs”
New York – Thirty million frankfurters and hamburgers will be eaten this year at the New York World’s Fair 1939 at the 70 to 80 stands to be erected in the Fair grounds. That number of frankfurters and hamburgers, if strung into a rope, would reach across the Atlantic from New York to London. The meat in them would fill 187 refrigerated freight cars.
All for Nothing
“Now, my son,” said the conscientious father, “tell me why I punished you.”
“That’s it,” blubbered the boy, indignantly. “First you pounded the life out of me an’ now you don’t know what you done it for.”
A Wise Kid
“Johnny, do you know that your mother has been looking for you?” asked the neighbor.
“Sure I do,” replied Johnny, “that’s the reason she can’t find me.”
He: “Be candid and tell me when you want me to go.”
She: “It’s a couple of hours too late for that.”
He Knew Where It Was
“Are you in pain, my little man?” asked the kind old gentleman.
“No,” answered the boy, “the pain’s in me.”
Professor (in history): “How as Alexander II of Russia killed?”
Freshman: “By a bomb.”
Professor: “How do you account for that?”
Freshman: “It exploded.”
One Guess Left
Teacher: Tommy, use the word notwithstanding in a sentence.”
Tommy: “Father wore his trousers out, but notwithstanding.”
“Why,” asks a Missouri paper, “does Missouri stand at the head in a raising mules?”
“Because,” says another paper, “that is the only safe place to stand.”
Smitty (taking his watch from under his pillow): “Quarter of eight and mother hasn’t come to wake me yet. I shall certainly be late for school if she doesn’t come soon.”
A Long Shot
Ma: “You’ve been drinking. I smell it in your breath.”
Pa: “Not a drop. I’ve been eating frog’s legs. What you smell is the hops.”
Wanted Too Much
Guest (calling to clerk at two o’clock in the morning): “There are two mice fighting in my room. What kind of a cheap place is this?”
“What price did you pay for your room?” asked the sleepy clerk.
“Fifty cents,” replied the irate guest.
“Well, what do you expect for fifty cents, a bull fight?” asked the clerk.
“When is the best time to catch soft water?”
“When it is raining hard.”
It was one of mother’s busiest days. Her small son, who had been playing outside, came in with his pants torn. His mother helped him to change to another pair but in an hour or so he was back, his pants torn again.
“You go right upstairs, remove your pants and mend them yourself,” his mother ordered.
Sometime later she thought of him and went upstairs to see how he was getting on. The torn pants were lying on a chair but there was no sign of Johnnie. Returning downstairs she noticed that the door to the cellar, usually closed, was open, and she called down, loudly and sternly, “Are you running around down there without any pants on?”
A deep voice answered, “No, madam, I’m reading the gas meter.”
Tramp: “Is your husband at home?”
Lady of House: “Well, if he has finished his revolver practice, he’ll be playing in the back garden with our bloodhounds. Did you want to see him?”
Mary had a little lamp,
She filled it with benzine:
She went to light her little lamp
And hasn’t since benzine.
Docked for Repairs
Lydia Creighton has been engaged as stewardess and social hostess on the S.S. Alexandria, which sails this weekend. Before sailing she will have her barnacles scraped. – New Jersey paper.
A Close Shave
Indian (after examining ham sandwich purchased at city lunch counter) – “Ugh! You slice um ham?”
Counter Clerk – “Yea, Chief, I slice um.”
Indian – “Ugh! Darn near miss um.”
“Did the cyclone damage your house much?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t found it yet.”
Can’t be Done
Teacher: “There’s no difficulty in the world that cannot be overcome.”
Pupil: “Have you ever tried squeezing toothpaste back into the tube?”
A Good Reason
Sambo – “How come yo’all was born ‘way down in Alabammy?”
Mose – “Ah wanted to be near mah mammy.”