Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1912 (7)
 


Funny Bones, 1912 (7)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - July 20, 2013

Not Lost

“Sam Johnson, you’ve been fightin’ again. You’se lost two of yo’ front teeth.”

“No, I ain’t, Mama, honest. I’se got ‘em in me pocket.”

An Example

“Willie,” said the mother, sorrowfully, “every time you are naughty I get another gray hair.”

“Gee!” said Willie; “you must have been a terror. Look at Grandpa.”

Magnetism

Ethel: “Jack Huggard told me a long story last night.”

Kitty: “Is he an interesting storyteller?”

Ethel: “I should say so; he held his audience from start to finish.”

Progress

“So your son is going to high school?”

“Yes.”’

“How far has he got?”

“To the point at which I seem to be an intellectual two-spot.”

A Truthful Story-Teller

William had been West with his mother, and had enjoyed the trip in the glass-bottomed boat. He was telling about it to a little friend.

“Yes, Edgar, we could see the fish laying on the bottom of the ocean!”

“Lying, dear,” put in mother.

“No, I’m not, mother,” he replied stoutly.

Nature Work

“Can’t I go out in the back yard and play in the garden, mother?”

“Certainly not, child. You must stay in and study your nature books.”

A Blood Relation

“Mamma, is Aunt Jane a blood relation?”

“Yes, dear.”

“Is she one of the bloodiest we have?”

A Useful Hen

First Farmhand: “Now, what do you suppose that old hen is eating them tacks for?”

Second Farmhand: “Perhaps she’s goin’ to lay a carpet.”

He Ought to Know

Little Boy (at ticket office): “I want a return ticket, please.”

Ticket Agent: “Where to?”

Little Boy, “Why, back here, of course.”

The Part of Discretion

Old Gent: “What are you doing with those snowballs?”

Small Boy: “Selling ‘em three a penny, and those who can’t afford to buy get’s ‘em for nuffin’!”

Old Gent: “I’ll take the lot!”

Revenge

Landlady: “You believe in mustard plasters, doctor?”

M.D.: “Rather! I always order them for patients who call me out in the middle of the night where there’s nothing the matter with ‘em.”

Refractory

A noted politician is credited with this story of a shrewd boyish reply:

“Does that cow give good milk, Sonnie?” a passer-by inquired of the freckle faced, grinning urchin on the fence.

“Naw, she don’t never give milk,” with sarcastic inflection. “We have to take it from her every time.”

His Prospect

Her Prospective – “There are no grounds on which your father could throw me out.”

His Prospective – “No, not in the front of the house, but there’s a bed of gladiolas in the back yard which looks quite soft.”

A Sainted Leg

Little Girl – “Your papa has only got one leg, hasn’t he?”

Veteran’s Little Girl – “Yes.”

Little Girl – “Where’s his other one?”

Veteran’s Little Girl – “Hush, dear. It’s in heaven.”

Done For

Grocer – “Did that watermelon I sold you do for the whole family?”

Customer – “Very nearly. The doctor is calling yet.”

Homelike

A man entered an eating-house and ordered a steak and fried potatoes.

“Yes, sir; steak and potatoes, sir,” said the waiter. “And will you have chops and peas along with it?”

“No; thank you.”

“Roast beef, then, perhaps, sir? The roast beef’s very fine today.”

“No, just steak and potatoes.”

“How about a nice lobster or a brace of crabs, sir, with the steak?”

“No!”

“Shad-roe and succotash, perhaps, sir?”

“No, I tell you!”

“A nice mess of fried catfish and waf–”

But at this point the proprie3tor summoned the waiter to him.

“What do you mean, you scoundrel,” he said, “by tormenting that patron in such an outrageous manner?”

“Oh, I wasn’t tormenting him, sir,” said the waiter. “I was just trying to make him feel at home. He’s a barber.”

The Easiest Way

Teacher – “How will they use airships in war, Jimmy?”

Jimmy – “Induce the enemy to go up in ‘em, ma’am.”

Not to Be Disturbed

Waiter (to night nurse watching patient) – “Have some coffee, ma’am?”

Night Nurse – “No, I greatly fear that that would keep me awake.”

The Right Side

Uncle Jackson (showing city boy the farm) – “With all your city eddication, sonny, I’ll warrant you don’t know which side you milk a cow frum?”

The Boy – “Sure, I do. It’s the under side!”



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