Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1935 (7)
 


Funny Bones, 1935 (7)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - July 13, 2013

A Still Hunt

“Oh,” exclaimed Emily fervently, “if the Lord had only made me a man!”

“Perhaps He has,” returned Orson, “only you haven’t found him yet.”

Marital Complications

Office Boy: “Guy in front says can you let him have some of the back alimony you owe his wife! He’s just back from th’ honeymoon trip, and he needs it!”

The Correct Answer

Evans: “What three words are used most among high school students?”

Lem: “I don’t know.”

Evans: “Correct.”

In the Cow Country

“What caused you to beat up that fellow?”

“He insulted my girl.”

“Why, all he said was that she dances like a zephyr.”

“My mistake! I thought he said heifer.”

Women and Children Last

Wife: “If this boat were to sink, which would you save first, the children or me?”

Husband: “Me.”

Sixth Sense Needed

Automobile Dealer: “This car runs so smoothly you can’t feel it, so quietly you can’t hear it, has such perfect combustion you can’t smell it, and for speed you can’t see it.”

Customer: “For goodness sake, how do you know the dog-gone thing is there?”

Curious

Boss (to office boy who is a half hour late): “You should have been here at eight o’clock!”

Office Boy: “Why? – What happened.”

Well Named

“What is the name of your car?”

“I call her Shasta.”

“Because she’s a daisy?”

“No! Because sh’ has to have gas, sh’ has to have oil, sh’ has to have air, sh’ has to have something all the time.”

Punctuation

A pupil was having trouble with punctuation and was being called down by the teacher.

“Never mind, sonny,” said a sympathetic school visitor, “It’s foolish to bother about commas. They don’t amount to much, anyway.”

“Don’t they,” retorted the teacher, turning to the president. Then she called one of the pupils to the board and ordered him to write this sentence: “The president of the board says the teacher is a fool.” “Now,” she continued,” put a comma after ‘board’ and another after ‘teacher.’”

A Fair Warning

A farmer and his son were working in a field when the old man tripped on the stump of a tree and fell. He got up and said, “Gosh darn that stump! I wish it was in h—.”

“Pop, I wouldn’t say that,” said the boy, “you might stumble over that stump again someday.”

Warning – Pun Ahead

Professor (to unruly freshman): “Tell me, sir, what has become of your ethics?”

Freshman: “Oh, sir, I traded it in long ago for a Hudson.”

It’s a Fine Art

“Me father and a man named Dooley have been fighting for 20 years, but now they’ve stopped.”

“Why? Did they bury the hatchet?”

“No; they buried Dooley.”

No Lawyer Needed

He: “If I should steal a kiss, would it be petit larceny?”

She: “No, I think it would be grand.”

Upset

The president of the local gas company was making a stirring address.

“Think of the good the gas company has done,” he cried. “If I were permitted a pun I should say, ‘Honor the Light Brigade.’”

And a customer immediately shouted, “Oh, what a charge they made!”

Not for Willie

Mother: “Now, Willie, I want you to go in and get acquainted with the new nurse and kiss her nice.”

Willie: “Yes, and get my face slapped like papa did.”

A Strangle Hold

Father: “Daughter, isn’t that young man rather fast?”

Daughter: “Yes, but I don’t think he’ll get away.”

Force of Habit

Two acquaintances, who had not seen Macpherson for some years, called at his house on Saturday evening. Mrs. Macpherson answered the door.

“Does Macpherson live here?” they asked.

“Ay,” was the woman’s reply, “jist carry ’im in!”

About Complete

“So you are building a new house, eh? How are you getting along with it?”

“Fine. I’ve got the roof and the mortgage on it, and I expect to have the furnace and the sheriff in before fall.”

Justifiable Delay

Man (to small son of one of his workmen who has met with an accident): “When will your dad be fit for work again?”

Boy: “Can’t say for certain, but it will be a long time.”

Man: “What makes you think that?”

Boy: “’Cause compensation’s set in.”

No Pearl Hunter

“You sometimes find a pearl in an oyster stew,” remarked the waiter pleasantly.

But the customer only grunted, “I’ll be satisfied if I find an oyster.”



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