End of the Line
The dapper young man lost his footing on the long and slippery hill, and was tobogganing toward the bottom, when he collided with a stout lady, tripped her, and proceeded on his way, with the lady seated on his back.
As they came to a halt at the foot of the hill, the lady seemed slightly dazed by events, and he remarked gently: “You’ll have to get off here, madam. This is as far as I go.”
Freddy was sitting on the curb, crying, when Billy came along and asked him what was the matter. “Oh, I feel so bad ‘cause Major’s dead – my nice old collie!” sobbed Freddy.
“Shucks!” said Billy. “My grandmother’s been dead a week, and you don’t catch me crying.”
Freddy gave his eyes and nose a swipe with his hand, and looking up at Billy sobbed despairingly: “Yes, but you didn’t raise your grandmother from a pup.”
“A scientist declares that meat eaters are more active than vegetarians.”
“They’ve got to be to get the meat to eat.”
In Accordance with the Evidence
“The evidence seems to show,” said the detective, “that the thief wore rubbers and walked backward.”
“Then we must look out for a man with receding gums,” remarked the wag of the force.
“What’s become of the old fashioned dramatic critic who used to write about an ‘Uncle Tom’s Cabin’ show and compliment the dogs?”
“I’ve located his successor in a little Western town.”
“In reviewing ‘Hamlet’ as presented in the local theater, he said the large number of fatalities at the end of the play reconciled the audience to the performance.”
“When you refused him my hand, papa, did he go down on his knees?”
“Well, I didn’t notice just where he lit.”
Kind Lady: “You can get work beating carpets two doors from here – they are cleaning house.”
Homeless Holmes: “Thanks, mum. I mighter bumped right inter it if you hadn’t warned me.”
“You discharged your new salesman?”
“Yes. He’s not suited for the automobile business.”
“He tried to sell a $7,000 car to a school teacher.”
As Good as New
Kind Stranger: “How old is your baby brother, little girl?”
Little Girl: “He’s a this year’s model.”
Under U.S. Management
Lazy Mike: “I had a fine position with the railroad company during the war.”
Weary Rhodes: “What did you do?”
Lazy Mike: “You know the fellow that goes alongside the train and taps the axles to see if everything’s all right? Well, I helped him listen.
A Full (?) Week
Bailie McTavish: “An’ so ye leave Glesca’ on Monday. What are ye daein’ the morrow nicht?”
Mr. Jarvie: “Tomorrow, Thursday, I’ve no engagement.”
Bailie: “An’ the next nicht.”
Mr. J. “I’m free then, too.”
Bailie: “An’ what will ye be daein’ on Saturday?”
Mr. J.: “On Saturday I dine with the Buchans.”
Bailie: “What a peety! Aa wanted ye to take dinner wi’ us on Saturday.”
He Had His Doubts
An elderly man was persuaded by one of his sons to go with him to a boxing exhibition.
The son paid for two $2 seats.
“Now, dad,” said the son joyfully, “you’ll see more excitement for your $2 than you’ve ever seen in your life before.”
The old man grunted.
“I’ve got my doubts about that,” he said gloomily. “Two dollars was all I paid for my marriage license.”
What a Blow
First Merchant: “How’s business?”
Second Merchant: “Picking up a little. One of our men got a $5,000 order yesterday.”
“Go away. I don’t believe that.”
“Honest he did – I’ll show you the cancellation.”
Take one reckless, natural-born fool.
Two or three big drinks of bad liquor.
A fast, high-powered motor car.
Soak the fool well in the liquor, place in the car and let him go. After due time, remove from the wreckage, place in black, satin-lined box, and garnish with flowers.
The members of the church committee were selecting their purchase.
“I don’t think this is just the kind of cloth we want,” said one.
“What is it to be used for?” asked the salesman.
“For covering the church pews,” replied the committeeman .
“Oh, I see,” mused the salesman. “You want something with a nap on it.”
Joseph and Isaac went to hear Billy Sunday preach and after the service, as they were going home, Joseph said:
“Vell, Isaac, vat you t’ink of him?”
“I don’t like him,” said Isaac. “Too much hell. It was hell, hell, hell all the time. I don’t believe there is any hell, Joseph.”
“No hell?” asked Joseph in amazement.
“No,” answered his friend.
“Vell, then, Isaac,” said Joseph, “if there is no hell, where is bizness gone?”
“He’s crazy, your honor,” said the policeman to the magistrate. “I found him standing at the corner scolding his wife.”
“That doesn’t prove him crazy,” rejoined the judge.
“But his wife wasn’t there, your honor,” explained the policeman.
An Irishman visiting a friend in the hospital began to take an interest in the other patients. “What are you in here for?” he asked one. “I’ve got tonsillitis, and I’ve got to have my tonsils out,” was the answer.
“And you?” asked another. “I’ve got blood poisoning in the arm, and they’re going to cut it off,” was the reply.
“Heavens!” said Pat in horror. “This ain’t no place for me. I’ve got a cold in my head. I guess I’ll be going.”
The Barbers’ Yell
“So you graduated from a barber college. What is your college yell?”
“Cut his lip, cut his jaw, leave his face Raw, raw, raw!”
Ben Zeen: “I know a good joke about crude oil.”
Carry Seen: “Spring it.”
Ben Zeen: “It’s not refined.”