The Drug Habit
Two druggists were talking about one of their confreres who had just died.
“He was a great druggist,” said one.
“He was,” admitted the other. “But don’t you think he made his chicken-salad sandwiches a little too salty?”
A stout woman, wedged into a crowded street car, was having difficulty in getting into her tightly buttoned jacket pocket to extract her fare.
“Madam,” said a man next to her, during her fruitless struggles, “let me pay your fare.”
She protested rather indignantly.
“My only reason for wish to do so,” he said, “is that you’ve unbuttoned my suspenders three times trying to get into your pocket.”
The Easiest Way
“Stop reaching across the table, junior! Haven’t you a tongue?”
“Yes, sir, but my arm is longer.”
First Cannibal: “The chief has hay fever.”
Second Cannibal: “Serves him right. I told him not to eat that grass widow.”
History Up to Date
Teacher: “Jack, who was Ann Boleyn?”
Jack: “Ann Boleyn was a flat-iron, sir.”
Teacher: “Whatever do you mean?”
Jack: “Well, our history book says, ‘Henry having disposed of Catherine, pressed his suit with Ann Boleyn.’”
The Greatest Theatrical Run on Record
The actor had toured the country in “Hamlet.”
“What kind of a run did you have in Savannah?” he was asked.
“Well,” was the reply, “we beat the audience over the county line by three minutes!”
“Great snakes,” cried the drunk as he crashed into a gas station. “I’ve struck oil!”
Oh, What a Difference
Teacher: “Johnny, what is the difference between sight and vision?”
Johnny: “When my sister Ethel goes out in the evening she’s a vision, but when she gets down to breakfast next morning she’s a sight.”
A Safe Bet
He: “I’ll bet when you have to do your own washing, you wish you’d married some other man.”
She: “Yes, I wish I’d married Mahatma Gandhi.”
Junior: “Daddy, in four months after Roosevelt takes office every business house and school in the United States will be closed!”
Daddy: “How come?”
Junior: “It will be the Fourth of July.”
A Sure Proof
Dugan: “How do yez tell the age of a chicken?”
Casey: “I can always tell by the teeth.”
Dugan: “By the teeth! But a chicken has no teeth.”
Casey: “No, but I have.”
Some to Spare
“Ain’t you got no brains a-tall?”
“Ain’t Ah got no brains? Say, man, Ah’ got brains whut ain’t nevah been used!”
Crude, But Oil Right
“Have you seen Al lately?”
“Alcohol. Kerosene him yesterday. Hasn’t benzine since. Gasolined against a fence and took a naphtha.”
Couldn’t Risk It
Caller: “Won’t you walk as far as the street car with me, Tommy?”
Tommy: “I haven’t time.”
Caller: “Why not?”
Tommy: “Because we’re going to have dinner as soon as you go.”
A small boy, leading a donkey, passed by an army camp. A couple of soldiers wanted to have some fun with the lad.
“What are you holding on to your brother so tight for, sonny?” said one of them.
“So he won’t join the army,” the youngster replied, without blinking an eye.
Someone out at Winona put this question in Billy Sunday’s box. “Will a Christian who chews tobacco go to heaven?” to which Billy answered, “There is no reason I know why a Christian who chews tobacco cannot go to Heaven, but he would have to go to hell to spit!” (Rev. 21:27.)
Where? Oh, Where?
Mr. Jones: “We must economize. If I died where would you be?”
Mrs. Jones: “Oh, I’d be all right. Where would you be?”
Just the Type
Spectator: “Are the fish biting, my good man?”
Fisherman: “Well, if they are, they’re biting each other.”
“I don’t mind washing the dishes for you,” wailed the hen-pecked husband.”I don’t object to sweeping the floors, but I am not going to run ribbons through my night gown just to fool the baby.”
The Elixir of Youth
Grandpa (awakening from gland operation): “Oh, dear me, I just know I’m going to be late for school today.”
“You seem very feeble,” observed the medical examiner, suspiciously.
“Well,” wheezed the applicant for life insurance, “the agent nearly talked me to death before I signed up.”
Welfare Worker (at insane asylum): “And how did you get here, my poor man?”
Inmate: “It was a difference of opinion, lady. I said the world was crazy and the world said I was crazy, and the majority won.”
No Mother to Love Him
Lyl (viciously attacking a piece of chicken): “This must be an incubator chicken!”
Lyl: “No chicken with a mother could be so tough.”
With haircloth furniture coming back man’s greatest need is non-skid pants.