Throwing Advertising in Reverse
“Is she very pretty?”
“Pretty! Say! When she gets on a street car the advertising is a total loss.”
“Do you know the difference between a hot dog and a live dog?”
“A hot dog wears tights and a live dog pants.”
A Fair Bargain
Brown: “What will you give me for my daughter’s piano?”
Naybor: “$500, sawed, split, and delivered.”
Boss: “Did you collect that bill?”
Jenkins: “No, sir. He kicked me down a flight of stairs.”
Boss: “You go back and get that money. I’ll show him he can’t scare me.”
A Slight Precaution
Son: “Can you sign your name with your eyes shut, daddy?”
Son: “Well, shut your eyes and sign my school report.”
An Arrow Catastrophe
Little Joe (from next house): “May I come in the yard and get my arrow?”
Lady: “Yes. Where did it fall?”
Little Joe: “I think it’s stuck in your cat.”
“Do you serve shrimps here?”
“Sure, we serve anyone.”
“Driving with one hand is bad business. Sooner or later, you are bound to run into a church.”
The Bride (at the telephone): “Oh, John, do come home. I’ve mixed the plugs in some way. The radio is all covered with frost and the electric ice-box is singing “Way Out West in Kansas.”
“Mother, was your name Pullman before you were married?”
“No, dear. Why do you ask?”
“Well, I just wondered. I see that name on most of our towels.”
Ikey and Izzy were separating, when Ikey said:
“Vat’s dat?” asked Izzy.
“Dat’s good-bye in French.”
“Vell,” said Izzy, “carbolic acid.”
“Vat’s dat?” asked Ikey.
“Dat’s good-bye in any lengvidge.”
Value of Organization
Sam, the driver of an ox team, saw a little lizard crawling up a tree. He flourished his long whip and very deftly snapped off the lizard’s head. Further along the road, with skillful precision, he picked a horse-fly off the fence with the same weapon. His skill as a marksman was next exhibited on a chipmunk that showed its head above the ground.
The man said, “Sam, take a crack at that,” pointing to a hornets’ nest. Sam grinned and replied, “No, sir; no, sir, boss; them fella’s is organized.”
Case of Mistaken Identity
A pretty young woman stepped into a music shop in the city the other day. She tripped up to the counter where a new clerk was assorting music and in her sweetest tones asked, “Have you ‘Kissed Me in the Moonlight’?”
The clerk turned, looked, and said: “It must have been the man at the other counter; I have only been here a week.”
Most in Demand
The force was out to lunch – leaving the bookkeeper alone in the store. A handsome young chap strode in. “Do they keep automobile accessories here?” he asked.
The little bookkeeper smiled her sweetest. “Only me,” she replied.
Hold Fast to What You Have
A fellow in Pinehurst who bit off the end of a man’s nose was bound over to keep the peace.
What’s in a Name?
“Isn’t he charming? I heard him tell you I danced like a zephyr.”
“Zephyr nothing – he said heifer.”
That Kind Came High
“Don’t you think this is a perfect duck of a hat?”
“Personally, I prefer a duck with a smaller bill.”
Hubby: “I slept like a log last night.”
Wifey: “Yes – a log with a saw going through it.”
A Grateful Acknowledgment
“I owe my life to that man.”
“Did he save you from drowning?”
“No, he’s my father.”
With the Horizon Line
Tenderfoot: “Why do they have knots on the ocean instead of miles?”
First Class Scout: “Well, you see, they couldn’t have the ocean tide if there were no knots.”
“Any insanity in the family?” asked the insurance doctor.
“Well, no,” answered Mrs. Smith, “except that my husband imagines he is the head of the house”
His Wants Are Few
Department store Santa: “And what do you want for Christmas, little boy?”
Youngster: “Nothin’ but a three-step polyphase heterodine regenerative unit, and a reflex inductive oscillatory tube for my radio.”
Not a Bad Guess
“I want to get a good novel to read on the train – something pathetic,” said a woman to a book salesman.
“Let me see. How could ‘The Last Days of Pompeii’ do?” asked the salesman.
“Pompeii? I never heard of him. What did he die of?”
“I’m not quite sure, ma’am,” replied the salesman; “some kind of eruption, I’ve heard.”
Another on Sandy
A Scotchman who was about to get married informed the minister that he wanted the ceremony performed in the poultry yard.
“Why?” asked the clergyman.
“Weel, the rice will feed the hens,” replied the prospective bridegroom.
A Safe Adjustment
Three Scotchmen went to church, each clutching tightly the penny he intended to contribute when the plate was passed. Consternation reigned when the minister announced that this particular Sunday an effort was to be made to raise the mortgage and asked every member of the congregation to make a substantial offering. During the prayer the Scots held a whispered consultation as to the solution of their dilemma and reached a satisfactory decision.
One fainted and the other two carried him out.
There Was Some Doubt About It
“Give me a glass of water, please,” said the man in the barber’s chair, feebly.
“You aren’t going to faint, I hope,” said the barber, conscious that he had been doing some extraordinary gashing of the customer’s cheek.
“No, I only wanted to see if my mouth would hold water.”
A Good Cause of Action
“I see the tailor has a lawsuit against him.”
“Breach of promise?”
“No; promise of breeches.”
We’ve All Heard ‘Em
Auto Salesman: “And what kind of a horn would you like, sir? Do you care for a good, loud blast?”
Haughty Customer: “No; I want something that just sneers.”