“If you do not close that window, waiter, I shall die from the draught,” said a lady diner.
“And if you do close it I shall die from the heat in this hot weather!” exclaimed a stouter lady.
There was a giggle amongst the diners at the dilemma of the waiter, when a literary gentleman said: “My good fellow, your duty is clear; close the window and kill one lady; then open it and kill the other.”
“Children,” said the Sunday school teacher, “what is the first thing we have to do before our sins can be forgiven?”
Little Harry waved his hand. “Please, ma’am,” he said, “the first thing we must do is to sin!”
Let Sleeping Jokes Lie
The new doctor and his wife were receiving a call from a neighbor. The doctor’s small son, aged nine, walked up to the visitor and, gazing intently at her, said, “My! Aren’t you homely!”
His horrified mother sought to undo the mischief as well as she could. “Why, Ralph,” she said, “what do you mean?”
“I only m-m-meant it for a joke,” stammered Ralph.
The mother pushed disastrously onward: “Well!” she said, it would have been a much better joke if you had said, ‘How pretty you are!’”
“You know, you’re not a bad looking girl.”
“You’d say so, even if you didn’t think so.”
“We’re even, then. You’d think so even if I didn’t say so.”
A Sad Case
“Very sad case, sir,” said the doctor, “but I believe your wife’s mind is completely gone.”
“It’s no more than I have expected,” returned the husband. “For the past fifteen years she has been giving me a piece of it nearly every day. It couldn’t last forever.”
Crude, But Oil Right
“Have you see Al lately?”
“Alcohol. Kerosene him yesterday. Hasn’t benzine since. Gasolined against a fence and took a naphtha.”
He Who Laughs Last –
Mr. Cook’s son came crying to his mother.
“Why, dearie,” she exclaimed, “what is the matter?”
“Dad was lifting a big box and it fell on his toes,” explained the child between sobs.
“But,” continued the mother, “that is hardly anything to cry about. You should have laughed at it.”
“I did,” said the boy.
Clerk: “What’s the matter, sonny, are you lost?”
Small Boy (tearfully): “Please, Mister, did you see a lady alone whose little boy looks like me?”
Flying over the Bay of Naples, an air pilot turned to his passenger and said: “Have you heard that phrase, ‘See Naples and Die?’‘
“Yes,” said the passenger.
“Well,” said the pilot, “take a good look – the propeller’s come off.”
Lunatic (in asylum yard, meeting new superintendent): “Who are you?”
Superintendent: “I’m the new superintendent.”
Lunatic: “Oh, it won’t take them long to knock that out of you. I was Napoleon when I came here.”
Little May had just returned home from the circus and her grandmother asked her what animal she liked the best.
“Oh, the big elephant,” she said. “You ought to see him pick up the buns with his vacuum cleaner.”
A Perfect Record
“My dear wife, I have taken you safely over all the rough places in life, haven’t I?”
“Yes. I don’t believe you missed any of them.”
The Definition Courteous
“Father,” said little Eric, “what is a diplomat?”
“A diplomat,” replied father, “is a man who remembers a woman’s birthday, but forgets her age.”
The foreman of one of the WPA projects found that due to breakage and wear and tear he had run short of shovels; so he wired to Mr. Hopkins in Washington, requesting that more shovels be sent to him.
The next day he received a reply, which read: “Have no more shovels. Tell the men to lean on each other.”
The Lady Driver
“Lot’s wife, who looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, couldn’t have taught my wife anything,” said the grocer. “She looked back and turned into a telegraph pole.”
Blame the Maid
Mistress: “I can’t just understand my husband. He went to work this morning whistling and singing at the top of his voice.”
Maid: “Oh, ma’m, I’m afraid it’s my fault. I mistook the bird seed for the cream of wheat this morning.”
True to Form
A Yankee was on a Christmas walking tour in Scotland. Snow had fallen and he was struggling along a narrow road when he met a Highlander.
“I guess, friend, I sure am lost!” he aid, plaintively.
Scot: “Is there a reward out for ye?”
Scot: “Weel, ye’re still lost.”
Pa: “Well, son, how are your marks?”
Son: “They are under water.”
Pa: “What do you mean, under water?”
Son: “Below ‘C’ level.”
A Scotchman and his wife walked the dusty miles from their farm to the county fair, the wife laden down with a heavy basket that contained their lunch. The generous husband, however, was not wholly inconsiderate of his wife’s comfort. Inside the gates he turned to her and said:
“Ye’d better let me carry the basket now, Mary; we might get separated in the crowd.”
The Promise Came True
“Well, doc, you sure kept your promise when you said you’d have me walking again in a month.”
“Well, well, that’s fine.”
“Yes. I had to sell my car when I got your bill.”