Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1913 (7)
 


Funny Bones, 1913 (7)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - June 01, 2013

Why?

It was a gala occasion at the school, and the young lady principal was very anxious that her pupils should show off to the best advantage before the many ladies present.

So to the first scholar she said:

“Now, Grace, where was Mary, Queen of Scots, born?”

“At Linlithgow,” answered the pupil.

“And why was Mary born there?” asked the teacher.

And sweet little Grace promptly answered: “Because, ma’am, her mother was staying there.”


Just the Same

“What is your name?” asked the Judge of the prisoner.

“Casey, yer Honor,” answered the prisoner.

“Your full name?” asked the Judge.

“Just the same, yer Honor,” answered the prisoner; “full or sober.”

So Son; So Father?

A small boy who had been very naughty was first reprimanded, then told that he must take a whipping. He flew upstairs and hid in the far corner under a bed. Just then the father came home. The mother told him what had occurred. He went upstairs and proceeded to crawl under the bed toward the youngster, who whispered excitedly, “Hello, Pop, is she after you, too?”

Not Sure of One of the Two

A district visitor once went to see an old Scotch woman who was dying. Noticing that her talk was all about herself and the minister, he said: “Well, really, Jeannie, I believe you think there will be nobody in heaven but yourself and the minister.”

“Ah, weel,” said the old woman, “an’ I’m no’ sae sure aboot the minister.”

One on Pa

“Pa, what’s a genius?”

“Ask your mother, she married one.”

“Why, I didn’t know ma had been married twice.”

Doubtless Correct

Teacher: “Jimmie, correct this sentence: ‘Our teacher am in sight.’”

Jimmie: “Our teacher am a sight.”

A Treat Coming

Son: “Say, mamma, father broke this vase before he went out.”

Mother: “My beautiful majolica vase! Wait till he comes back, that’s all.”

Son: “May I stay up till he does?”

Be Like Father

The small boy was being reproved by his mother.

“Why can’t you be good?” she asked.

“I’ll be good for a nickel,” he said.

“Ah!” responded the mother, “you want to be bribed. You should copy your father, and be good for nothing.”

He Knew His Bible

A small boy, who was applying kindergarten methods to Bible stories, was asked what the orange peel with which he was playing, with seeds arranged in a row behind, represented.

“Why, the orange peel is Abraham, and these are his ‘seed after him’!”

A Disappointment

A little boy with his mother at a church wedding.

Mother: “Look, Harold, the bride’s coming.”

Harold (looking with all his eyes): “Why, it’s nothing but a woman.”

Watering the Stock

“Where are you going with that goat, little boy?”

“Down to the lake. Come along if you wanter see some fun. This here goat has jest et a crate of sponges, and I’m goin’ down to let him drink.”

Archie’s First Theater Experience

Little Archie and his mother sat in the crowded street car, on their way to the theater. Suddenly the lad, who had never yet been in a real theater, loudly asked:

“Mamma, did you say we were to sit in a box at the theater?”

“Yes, dear. Now shh!”

“Well,” added the enthusiastic child. “I hope that all the while the curtain’s up they’ll leave the lid open!”

Late Already

Five minutes after the tardy gong had struck, the principal of the school was walking through the lower hall when he saw a pudgy little fellow scampering toward the first-grade room as fast as his fat legs could carry him. “See here, young man, I want to talk to you,” called the principal to the late comer. “I hain’t got time to talk to you; I’m late already,” replied the breathless beginner as the door of his classroom closed.

Ate Like a Dog

During the dinner hour on board a steamer the other day a passenger was much disturbed by the vulgar way in which the man who sat next to him ate his meal.

At last, after watching him pick a bone in a very primitive fashion, he could control his feelings no longer, and turning to the offending party, he said:

“Don’t you think you would be more comfortable if you took that out on the mat?”

She Hadn’t Enough

A woman entered a photographer’s gallery.

“Do you take pictures of children?” she asked.

“Yes,” was the reply.

“How much are they, please?’

“Three dollars a dozen,” said the proprietor.

“Well,” she replied with a sigh, “I shall have to wait and come again. I have only eleven.”

The Reason

“Tommy,” said his brother, “you’re a regular little glutton. How can you eat so much?”

“Don’t know. It’s just good luck,” replied the youngster.

Touching

“Go away from me,” said the fashionably dressed woman to the tramp. “I wouldn’t have you touch me for a dollar.”

“I was only goin’ to touch you for a dime, lady.”

A Man’s a Man

Angry Woman: “What are you, I should like to know – a man or a mouse?”

Henpecked Husband: “A man, unfortunately. If I were a mouse, you’d be halfway up that lamp-post, yelling for mercy.”

Superiority

Johnnie: “I wish I could be Tommy Jones.”

Mother: “Why? You are stronger than he is, you have a better home, more toys, and more pocket money.”

Johnnie: “Yes, I know; but he can wiggle his ears.”

A Silent One

“How does Dorfling stand in this community?”

“Old Bill Dorfling?”

“Yes.”

“Why, he makes about as much noise in this community as the letter ‘b’ in ‘debt.’”

What Did Teacher Say?

Johnny Williams had been “bad” again.

“Ah, me, Johnny!” sighed his Sunday school teacher. “I am afraid we shall never meet in heaven.”

“What have you been doin’?” asked Johnny, with a grin.



4 Comments »

  1. This group was great! Superiority had the other Tommy pop in my mind as in Monson.

    Comment by Gretchen — June 1, 2013 @ 11:43 am

  2. Heh heh! I wonder how many other readers will see that Tommy, too!

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — June 1, 2013 @ 12:01 pm

  3. No doubt About it. This gang is smart as a tack.

    Comment by Gretchen — June 1, 2013 @ 12:19 pm

  4. A “gala” anything prompts a bad Groucho Marx joke I can’t repeat here.

    Comment by Grant — June 1, 2013 @ 4:06 pm

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