He Was, Too!
During a history lesson a teacher asked his class: “What happened in 1483?”
“Luther was born,” answered a pupil promptly.
“Quite right. And what happened in 1487?”
After a long pause, the pupil ventured, “Luther was four years old.”
Professor: “State the difference between a scientist and a salesman.”
Frosh: “Well – a scientist is a man who knows a great deal about a very little and keeps learning more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing, but a salesman is a man who knows a little bit about a great deal and keeps on learning less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything.”
Everything is funny as long as it happens to somebody else. – Will Rogers
Take a Chance
“Should I marry a man who lies to me?”
“Lady, do you want to be an old maid?”
Teacher: “Robert, what do they raise in Ireland?”
Robert: “I know but I don’t want to say it. Mother tells me I mustn’t talk rough.”
Mother: “Has Daddy finished dressing for Church?”
Small son: “I don’t think so. I heard him talking to his collar.”
“Out of the Mouths of Babes”
Little Frank wished very much for a baby sister. One day his mother was reading to him some short verses. Suddenly he sat up with interest.
“Mama, read me again, ‘What Are Little Girls Made Of?’”
“Sugar and spice and everything nice.”
“Well, since you know the recipe, why don’t you make one?”
“My wife has been nursing a grouch all the week.”
“Been laid up, have you?”
One thing about the good old days, if you bought a horse you could be pretty sure the model wouldn’t change next year.
They All Did
A schoolboy’s essay went like this: There was a man named Elisha. He lived in a cave and had some bears. Some boys tormented him. He said: “If you keep on throwing stones at me, I’ll turn the bears on you and they’ll eat you up.” And they did, and he did, and the bears did.
Hiram: “Yes, I’ve seen a few bad crop years in my time, too. One year our string beans were so poor that the crop didn’t even pay for the string.”
Silas: “That’s nothing, Hi. In 1914 our corn crop was so bad that my dad, who had a very poor appetite, ate up fourteen acres of corn at a single meal.”
A man who had been exploring chicken coops, when told the sheriff was after him, made a beeline for the railway station and asked for a ticket on the fastest train out.
“Our fastest train left just ten minutes ago,” the ticket agent explained.
“Just gimme a ticket anyway,” the man gasped, “an’ show me which way that train went.”
Short and Snappy
She: “I’m Suzette, Oriental dancer.”
Steward: “How would you like your breakfast, sir?”
Passenger: “With an anchor on it!”
No Leg to Stand On
In the High Court of Ciceronia.
Plaintiff’s lawyer: “I rest the case.”
Knowlton: “You ought to, it’s pretty weak.”
Banish Your Fear, Landlord
“Mr. Casey,” said the landlord to Pat, “I’m afraid I’ll have to raise your rent.”
“Ah, now, don’t be afraid, sir. Begorra, you’ll have to, for I can’t.”
It is to Laugh
“Are you laughing at me?” asked the professor sternly of his class.
“Oh, no, sir,” came the reply in chorus.
“Then,” asked the prof., “what else is there in the room to laugh at?”
Full of His Subject
“This afternoon,” the presiding officer announced at the conference of ministers,” Elder Jones will read a paper on ‘The Devil.’ Please be prompt in attendance, for Brother Jones has spent much time on the paper and is full of his subject.”
“One of my daughters has tonsilitis, and the other one has sprained her wrist.”
“That certainly is hard luck.”
“Yes. Nothing works out right. The one who sprained her wrist sings, and the one who has the sore throat plays the piano.”
Why Brag About the Spider
“See the spider, my son, spinning its web. Is it not wonderful? Do you reflect that no man could spin that web, no matter how hard he might try?”
“Well, what of it. Watch me spin this top. No spider can do that, no matter how he might try.”
Mother: “Johnny, I have some good news for you.”
Johnny (without enthusiasm): “Yeah, I know. Brother is home from college.”
Mother: “How did you know?”
Johnny: “My bank won’t rattle any more.”
A Problem Solved
“Anyhow, there’s one advantage in having a wooden leg,” said the veteran.
“What’s that?” asked his friend.
“You can hold your stockings up with thumb-tacks.”