Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1926 (6)
 


Funny Bones, 1926 (6)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - May 11, 2013

Alarming Possibilities

First Gob: ‘They say Jones’ wife had triplets after reading the Three Musketeers.”

Second Gob: “Good heavens, mine was reading the birth of a nation when I left.”

Poor Old Editor

It is reported that one of the fastidious newly married ladies of this town kneads bread with her gloves on. This incident may be somewhat peculiar, but there are others. The editor of this paper needs bread with his shoes on, he needs bread with his shirt on, he needs bread with his pants on; and unless some of the delinquent subscribers to this “Old Rag of Freedom” pony up before long he will need bread without a thing on, and Wisconsin is no Garden of Eden in the winter time. – Melrose (Wis.) Chronicle.

Or a Mustard Plaster

He: “That auto horn needs oil.”

She: “It sounds to me like it needs cough syrup.”

A New Hobby

Wife: “John, the bill collector is at the door.

Husband: “Tell him to take that pile on my desk.”

Righto!

Teacher: “If the President, Vice President and all the members of the cabinet died, who would officiate?”

Pupil: “The undertaker.”

Table Etiquette

“It was the spirit of your uncle that made that table turn over and do those queer stunts.”

“Well, I’m not surprised. Uncle always did have such terrible table manners.”

Mistaken Identity

Mother: “Johnny, stop using such dreadful language.”

Johnny: “Well, Shakespeare uses it.”

Mother: “Then don’t play with him. He’s not a fit companion.”

So’s Your Old Man

Mrs. A. “So your son is through with high school, is he?”

Mrs. B. “Yes, and he is filled with funny ideas. He says that he is descended from a monkey. I’m sure that he can’t be right, unless he is referring to his father.”

Sniff, Sniff!

Boy: “What is a grass widow?”

Father: “A woman whose husband died of hay fever.”

Escaped?

When the Donkey saw the Zebra,
He began to switch his tail.
“Well, I never!” was his comment,
“There’s a mule that’s been in jail.”

Possessed

“This afternoon,” the presiding officer announced at the conference of ministers, “Elder Jones will read a paper on ‘The Devil.’ A good attendance is desired, as Brother Jones has spent much time on the paper and is full of his subject.”

Heavyweight

“It would please me mightily, Miss Stout,” said Mr. Mugley, “to have you go to the theatre with me this evening.”

“Have you secured the seats?” asked Miss Vera Stout.

“Oh! come now,” he protested. “You’re not so heavy as all that.”

Some Mechanic!

“So,” said the cripple, “You think you could make a pretty good valet for me, do you? I have one glass eye, a wooden leg, a wax arm, and a toupee that needs looking afternoon, not to mention a set of false teeth.”

“Oh, that’s all right,” returned the applicant, “I have worked for two years in the assembling plant of the Ford factory.”

Let ‘em Bray

The Musical Courier, in reporting a concert recently said: “The opening piece was rendered by a mule quartet.”

A Warm Reception

W.H.P. writes: “A batch of jokes I sent to the editors were rejected as no good, but when I threw them in the stove the fire just roared.”

Single Holiness

Tim: “How are you getting along at home while your wife’s away?”

Jim: “Fine. I’ve reached the height of efficiency. I can put on my socks now from either end.”

Just Like That!

May: “By the way, dear, how do you like your new doctor?”

Belle: “Oh, he’s a perfectly charming man – always so cheerful and good-natured. He takes life so easily!”

Fits

Clerk: “This is the gown, madame. I guarantee a fit.”

Lady: “What is the price?”

Clerk: “Two hundred dollars.”

Lady: “Well, I’ll guarantee a fit when my husband hears that.”

Underestimated

Housewife: “The eggs you sent this morning were rotten.”

Grocer: “That’s too bad.”

Housewife: “No, the whole dozen.”

Odorous Charge

A colored man who had been arrested when asked by his friend what he was charged with, said: “Oh, dey’s got me charged with fragrancy.”

Oversize

Pretty Co-ed: “I want a pair of bloomers I can wear around my gymnasium.”

Clerk (absently): “Yes, madam. What size is your gymnasium?”

A Special Requisite

Orrin: “I think I’ll run my wife for congresswoman.”

Joe: “Why?”

Orrin: “Well, because she is so handy introducing bills into the house.”

Johnny Knew

Teacher (in English class): “Johnny, take this sentence: ‘Lead the cow from the pasture.’ What mood?”

Johnny: “The cow, ma’am.”

Safety First

Billy, who was visiting at his uncle’s farm, came running into the house very excited and cried:

“There’s a mouse in the milk pail!”

“Did you lift it out?” asked uncle.

“No,” said Billy, proudly, “but I threw the cat in!”

Agreed

“A portly gentleman,” began a smiling smoker, as the train emerged from a tunnel and the smoke began to clear away, “who was riding in an elevator at the Blitless, the other day, became incensed at a fellow passenger who unintentionally stepped on his toe.

“‘Say, you fool,’ he snapped, ‘do you think my feet were made for an idiot to walk on?’

“‘It seems that way,’ was the quiet rejoinder.”

A High Ambition

Teacher: “Willie, what is your greatest ambition?”

Willie: “To wash mother’s ears.”

Danger [edited]

‘It’s just like the old proverb says, man. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.”

“If that is so, then you sure are toting a big block of dynamite around on your neck.”

All Same Shape

Tourist (in village notion store): “Whaddya got in the shape of automobile tires?”

Saleslady: “Funeral wreathes, life preservers and doughnuts.”

A Hypocrite

Teacher: “And now, children, can anyone tell me what a hypocrite is?”

Tommy Truant: “P-please, teacher, it is a boy wot goes to school wive a smile on his face!”



1 Comment »

  1. Reading “Birth of a Nation”? I hope all the kids don’t come out wearing white hoods. (I guess that’s not really funny on a joke page) but then, that would explain “Odorous Charge”

    But I do like this one and may use it:

    Danger [edited]

    ‘It’s just like the old proverb says, man. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.”

    “If that is so, then you sure are toting a big block of dynamite around on your neck.”

    But what was the edit, pray tell??

    Comment by Grant — May 11, 2013 @ 6:01 pm

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