Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1912 (6)
 


Funny Bones, 1912 (6)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - May 04, 2013

Afraid of Thrashing Machines

A boy was asked by his mother to go to the country with her, but the boy refused.

All the coaxing and pleading was of no avail.

When his father came home that evening he was told by his wife that Johnny (the boy) refused to go to the country.

“Did you ask him why he didn’t want to go?” said the father.

“No.” said the mother, “I didn’t think of that; I will go up to Johnny and ask him.”

Then the mother went up to Johnny and said: “Johnny, why don’t you want to go to the country?”

“Well,” answered Johnny, “they have thrashing machines out there, and it’s bad enough here when you do it by hand.”

In the Dog Watch

Objection is made in New York to drowning stray dogs, for fear so many sunken barks may obstruct navigation.

Too Dangerous

In the struggling days at Tuskegee, Booker T. Washington found that he would have to use an old chicken-house for a schoolroom.

“Uncle,” he said to an old colored man, “I want you to come down at nine o’clock tomorrow morning and help me clean out a henhouse.”

“Law, now, Mr. Washington,” the old man expostulated, “you-all don’t want to begin cleanin’ out no henhouse roun’ yere in de day time.”

[Yes, I understand how awful this one is — I include it as part of the historical record, with my apologies.]

Different Complexion

A stranger in Boston was once interested to discover, when dining with friends, that the dessert he would have classed as cream layer cake at home was known in Boston as Washington pie. The next time he landed at a restaurant he ordered the same thing; but the waiter put before him a rather heavy-looking square of cake covered with chocolate. a puzzled expression came over his face as he said reprovingly: “I ordered Washington pie, waiter.”

“That is Washington pie, sir.”

“Well,” expostulated the disappointed man, “I did not mean Booker T. I want George.”

[And if we didn’t know before, we begin to see how awful the problem really was.  Again, my apologies.]

Feminine Figures

“He’s the man of the hour.”

“Isn’t there ever a woman of the hour?”

“Yes; but it takes her an hour and a half.”

A Sad One

Hoax – “Here’s an article written by a scientist who says that insects have emotions. He claims he has frequently seen a mosquito weep.”

Joax – “Well, I’ve often seen a moth ball.”

A Fright

“Lady,” said Meandering Mike, “would you lend me a cake of soap?”

“Do you mean to tell me you want soap!”

“Yes’m. Me partner’s got de hiccups an’ I want to scare him.”

Borrowed

“I see society people at Newport had a baby show.”

“Where did they get the babies?”

“It was a loan exhibition, I believe.”

Able Work

Filkins – “I thought you intended to sell your suburban home?”

Wilkins – “I did, until I read the alluring story my advertising man wrote; then I decided to keep it myself.”

Two Shut Up

Restaurant Patron (caustically) – “I am glad to see your baby has shut up, madam.”

Mother – “Yes, sir. You are the only thing that’s pleased him since he saw the animals eat at the Zoo.”

Ungrateful Peter

“But, Peter, you should be grateful that you were saved from drowning, and not cry like that.”

“Yes, but there come my aunts and now I’ll be kissed all the afternoon.”

Padding the Right Place

Willie was being measured for his first made-to-order suit of clothes.

“Do you want the shoulders padded, my little man?” inquired the tailor.

“Naw,” said Willie significantly, “pad de pants.”

Something to Keep His Spirits Up

One night a couple of traveling salesmen arrived in a small Kansas town and found the hotel crowded. Not a room was to be had.

“I hate to disaccommodate you, gents,” said the hotel proprietor, “but even the pool table’s occupied. But, say, see that old church across the street? I bought it to build a new hotel on the site. If you don’t mind, you can go over there and sleep in the pews. They’re upholstered, and they ain’t bad sleepin’ at all.”

The tired pair decided to try it.

About one o’clock in the morning the hotel proprietor was awakened by the loud clanging of the church bell. He got up, roused the porter, and told him to find out the trouble. In a few minutes the porter came back. “Well?” asked the owner, excitedly, “Party in pew 26 wants a gin ricky,” was the answer.

The Professor Blundered

The students of an Eastern college grew so reckless in their behavior that the professor thought to improve their conduct by a lecture on morality. In the course of his lecture he said: “My young friends, the floors of hell are paved with champagne and automobiles and chorus girls.”

He was horrified to hear one of the students say in a sepulchral tone:

“Oh, Death, where is thy sting?”

A Permanent Visitor

Doris was radiant over a recent addition to the family, and rushed out of the house to tell the news to a passing neighbor.

“Oh, you don’t know what we’ve got upstairs.”

“What is it?”

“It’s a new baby brother!” and she settled back upon her heels and folded her hands to watch the effect.

“You don’t say so! Is he going to stay?”

“I guess so,” very thoughtfully. “He’s got his things off.”

They Fixed Him

At the bidding of the school board in a Missouri town, a physician visited the local school. He examined the eyes of the children. The teacher next day sent a note to the mother of one pupil, saying that he was “not perfect optically.” The following day Johnny brought back a reply to the teacher which read:

“The old man whaled Johnny last night and I took a hand at him this morning, and I think you will find him all right now.”

What It Looked Like

Johnny, who had been to the circus, was telling his teacher about the wonderful things he had seen.

“An’ teacher,” he cried, “they had one big animal they called the hip–hip–”

“Hippopotamus, dear,” prompted the teacher.

“I can’t just say its name,” exclaimed Johnny, “but it looks just like 9,000 pounds of liver.”

Good Aim

“I met your father last evening, and spoke to him about our being married.”

“Did he strike you favorably?”

“Well, not exactly favorably, but rather accurately.”



2 Comments »

  1. These really are pretty bad this time, but all for the historical record.

    Comment by Maurine — May 4, 2013 @ 3:27 pm

  2. Drowning dogs, beating children for poor eyesight, immorality and booze as fun, and chocolate cake as racist humor. Hmmm… I don’t understand what could possibly be offensive. Ugh!

    Comment by The Other Clark — May 6, 2013 @ 3:25 pm

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