Teacher: “Now if I lay three eggs here and five eggs here, how many eggs will I have?”
Skeptical Pupil: “I don’t think you can do it.”
Good Helpers Are Scarce
Barber (whispering to new helper): “Here comes a man for a shave.”
Helper: “Let me practice on him.”
Barber: “All right, but be careful and not cut yourself.”
“My husband has taken all the cash out of baby’s money-box.”
“Yes, and just when there was nearly enough for the new hat I wanted.”
Frog: “In all the months I’ve been calling on you – you have never shown any affection for me.”
Maud: “Little do you know of the numerous times I have clung to father’s neck, when all he asked was one punch at you.”
Quite an Asset
A Chicagoan, visiting Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, had occasion to call Appleton. Upon asking what the charge was, he was told fifty cents.
“Fifty cents. For that distance? Great Scott! In Chicago you can call up Hell for fifty cents.”
“Possibly,” coolly answered the operator, “it’s in the city limits.”
It isn’t necessary any more to look on a clothesline to see what women are wearing.
Orator: “And now, gentlemen, I wish to tax your memory.”
Man in Audience: “Good heavens, has it come to that?”
“Say, Dad, remember the story you told me about the time you were expelled from school?”
“Yes, son, I recall it very clearly.”
“Well, isn’t it funny how history repeats itself?”
I was dining with a great editor last Sunday afternoon when his little daughter came back from Sunday School with an illustrated card in her hand.
“What’s that you have there, little one?” the editor asked.
“Oh,” said the child, “just an ad about Heaven.”
Courage, Boy, Courage!
God hates a coward. Try our Hamburgers. – Advertisement in the Bismarck (N. Dak.) Reminder.
Cancel That Call
First Little Boy – “I forgot to ask you to my picnic party tomorrow.”
Second Little Boy – “Too late now. I’ve prayed for a blizzard.”
Proud Suburban Lady: “You know my husband plays the organ.”
Depressed Acquaintance: “Well, if things don’t improve, my husband will have to get one, too.”
Back Seat Negligence
Policeman: “How did the accident happen?’
Motorist: “My wife fell asleep in the back seat.”
“If there were four flies on a table, and I killed one, how many would be left?” inquired the teacher.
“One,” answered the bright little girl. “The dead one.”
Short, Short, Short Story
Two worms were digging in earnest – Poor Earnest!
Passenger: “What time does the tide rise, captain? I want to close my portholes in time.”
“Money, money – it’s always money! Do you think I’m the goose that lays the golden eggs?”
“No, dear, not that one!”
Fond Mother: “I hope my little darling has been as good as gold all day.”
Nurse: “No, ma’am; he went off the gold standard about four.”
The Lost Is Found
The director was having difficulty with a troop of extras recruited for a parade scene in a war film.
“When I was a little boy,” said the director sweetly, “my mother told me not to cry when I lost my wooden soldiers. ‘Someday, Johnny, dear,’ she said, ‘you will get those wooden soldiers back.’”
Then with a full parade-ground roar he bellowed: “And believe me, you wooden-head scarecrows, that day has come!”
“How come it took you so long to finish your exams?”
“The fellow next to me stutters.”
The Fatal Test
“That man is so honest he would not steal a pin.”
“I never thought much of the pin test. Try him with an umbrella.”
Plenty of Room
Patient: “Is my mouth open wide enough, dentist?”
Dentist: “Oh, yes, ma’am! I shall stand outside while drawing the tooth.”
Encores on Toast
Theatrical Agent: “Good news! I’ve booked your performing pigeons for a six weeks’ tour.”
Down-at-the-heels Trouper: “Too late – too late! I’ve just eaten the act.”
He: “Did you hear about Pete? He drank some sulphuric acid by mistake.”
She: “Hurt him?”
He: “No, he said the only thing he noticed was that he made holes in his handkerchief every time he blew his nose.”