Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1911 (6)
 


Funny Bones, 1911 (6)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - April 06, 2013

Concerning Matrimony

“Is she making him a good wife?”

“Well, not exactly; but she’s making him a good husband.”

Nothing in a Name

“Look here, waiter,” said Mr. Grouch, scowling deeply over his plate, “I ordered turtle soup. There ain’t even a morsel of turtle flavor in this.”

“Of course not,” returned the waiter. “What do you expect? Shakespeare said there was nothing in a name. If you ordered cottage pudding would you expect a cottage in it? In Manhattan salad would you look for a Flatiron or Singer building?”

The Call of the Wild

“What is your favorite wild game?”

“Football.”

Giving Dinner

Deacon – “Pastor, will you ask the blessing?”

Absent-Minded Clergyman – “Lord have mercy upon us while we partake of what is set before us.”

Still Improving the Output

Friend: “Look out! You’re going to run over that man.”

Autoist: “Don’t worry, old chap. This car’s springs are so fine you’ll never feel the jar.”

How the Fight Began

Violette – “I wish you would tell me how to get this pitch off my dress. I have tried everything I can think of.”

Reginald – “You might try a song. You always get off the pitch when you sing.”

The Mouse and the Cat

The Tailor – “Married or single?”

The Customer – “Married. Why?”

The Tailor – “Then let me recommend my patent safety-deposit pocket. It contains a most ingenious little contrivance that feels exactly like a live mouse.”

What Happened to Tyre

“What happened to Babylon?” asked the Sunday School teacher.

“It fell!” cried the pupil.

“And what became of Nineveh?”

“It was destroyed.”

“And what of Tyre?”

“Punctured!”

Incorruptible

The lady of the house hesitated.

“Are my answers all right?” she asked.

“Yes, madam,” replied the census man.

“Didn’t bother you a bit, did I?”

“No, madam.”

“Feel under some obligations to me, don’t you?”

“Yes, madam.”

“Then, perhaps, you won’t mind telling me how old the woman next door claims to be?”

“Good day, madam,” said the census man.

The Perfect Man

“There was one man whose life was perfect,” said the Sunday School teacher. “Which one of you can tell me who he was?”

Little Mary Jane’s hand went up, and the teacher nodded her.

“He was mamma’s first husband,” she said.

Not Worth While

A little boy of four years asked his mother: “Mamma, who made the lions and elephants?”

“God, my dear,” she answered.

“And did He make the flies, too?” asked the little fellow.

“Yes, my dear,” replied his mother.

The little chap paused a while; then he said: “Fiddlin’ work, seems to me – making flies.”

Too Far Back for Him

Tommy had been punished. “Mamma,” he sobbed, “did your mamma whip you when you were little?”

“Yes, when I was naughty.”

“And did her mamma whip her when she was little?”

“Yes, Tommy,”

“And was she whipped when she was little?”

“Yes.”

“Well, who started the darned thing, anyway?”

Miss Willing

A story told by Thomas Hunter, president of the New York Normal college, seems to indicate that once in a while a willing wife is spoiled to make an unwilling teacher.

A pretty and agreeable young woman who lived in a country village suddenly announced that she was going to take up teaching.

“You! You a school teacher?” exclaimed the recipient of her confidence. “Why, I’d rather marry a widower with nine children!”

“So would I,” the young woman replied, frankly, “but where is the widower?”

Till Then

“Will you be mine?’

“Yes, till we are married.”

“Till we are married?”

“Yes, then you’ll be mine.”

Informed

Small brother – “Are you going to marry Sister Ruth?”

Caller – “Why – er – I really don’t know, you know!”

Small brother – “That’s what I thought. Well, you are!”

Her Distinction

A teacher asked her class in spelling to state the difference between the words “results” and “consequences.”

A bright girl replied, “results are what you expect, and consequences are what you get.”

Unnecessary Advice

“My husband is particularly liable to seasickness,” remarked the lady passenger. “Could you tell him what to do in case of an attack?”

“Tain’t necessary, mum,” replied the captain, “he’ll do it.”

Comparative Speeds

“Waiter.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Have you ever been to the Zoo?”

“No, sir; why do you ask?”

“I was just thinking how thrilling you’d find it to sit and watch the tortoises whizz by.”

Easy

Physician – “Have you any aches or pains this morning?”

Patient – “Yes, doctor. It hurts me to breathe. In fact, the only trouble now seems to be with my breath.”

Physician – “All right. I’ll give you something that will soon stop that.”

Solved

Small Billy (at seashore) – “Can’t I have a ride on a donkey?”

Mother – “No, darling. Father says not.”

Small Billy – “Why can’t I have a ride on a donkey, Mother?”

Mother (to father) – “Oh, for goodness’ sake, David, give him a ride on your back to keep him quiet.”



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