Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1913 (6)
 


Funny Bones, 1913 (6)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - March 16, 2013

How Iron Was Discovered

Teacher – Johnny, can you tell me how iron was first discovered?”

Johnny – “Yes, sir.”

Teacher – “Well! Just tell the class what your information is on that point.”

Johnny – “I heard father say yesterday that they smelt it.”

Self Confessed

A certain woman assured her husband she never told him a lie and never would. He told her he did not doubt it, but would hereafter cut a notch in the piano when he knew she deceived him.

“No, you won’t!” she screamed, “I’m not going to have my piano ruined!”

An Old Saw

Tramp – “You know the sayin’, mum: ‘He that giveth to the poor lendeth to the Lord.’”

Mrs. Subbubs – “Very true. And since you speak in proverbs, I’ll refer you to another old saw.”

Tramp – “Which one is dat, mum?”

Mrs. S. – “The one back in the woodshed.”

A Necessity

As the Sunday School teacher entered the class room she saw a little girl and her still smaller brother leaving in great haste.

“Why, Mary, you aren’t going away?” she exclaimed in surprise.

“Pleathe, Mith Anne, we’ve got to go,” was the distressed reply. “Jimmy’th thwallowed hith collection.”

Working Up to It

Sandy and his lass had been sitting together about half an hour in silence.

“Maggie,” he said at length, “wasna’ I here on the Sawbath nicht?”

“Ay, Sandy, I daur say you were.”

“An’ wasna’ I here on Monday nicht?”

“Ay, so ye were.”

“An’ I was here on Tuesday nicht, an’ Wednesday nicht, an’ Thursday nicht, an’ Friday nicht?”

“Ay, I’m thinkin’ that’s so.”

“An’ this is Saturday nicht, an’ I’m here again?”

“Well, what for now? I’m sure you’ve verra welcome.”

“Maggie, woman,” said Sandy in desperation, “d’ye no begin to smell a rat?”

Located

Willis: “So you were up at college to see your son? How is he? Was he on the football team?”

Gillis: “Judging by his looks I think the football team was on him.”

A Superfluous Effect

“Do I make myself plain?” shouted the woman suffrage speaker as she paused to let her arguments sink in.

“The Lord did that for you long ago,” said a “mere man” in the rear of the hall.

A Fish Story

“Johnny, you tell me you have been to Sunday School. How is it your hands smell of fish?”

“Oh, I carried the Sunday School paper home and the front page is all about Jonah and the whale.”

That’s Just It!

“Now,” asked the teacher, “who can tell me what an oyster is.”

Silence for a moment, while small brows were knit in strained effort at remembrance. Then little Tommy’s facial muscles relaxed and eagerly he raised his hand.

“I know!” he triumphantly announced. “An oyster is a fish built like a nut.”

Beyond Him

“Well, Pat,” said the doctor, “I hope your master’s temperature is lower this morning than it was last night.”

“Well, sur, that’s hard to till, sur,” replied Pat.

“Why?” said the doctor smiling.

“He died this mornin’, sur.”

She Was Wrong

Teacher: “Johnnie, who compiled our first dictionary?”

Johnnie: “Daniel Webster?”

Teacher: “No, it wasn’t Daniel, it was Noah.”

Johnnie: “Come off, teacher, Noah compiled the ark!”

Has Ananias Come Back?

Joe: “That mare, when she was young, could beat the local train between here and town, which is eight miles away.”

Henry: “That’s nothing. On my ranch in the West, I was five miles from the house one day when I noticed a heavy thunder shower almost upon me. Jumping upon my pony we started at breakneck speed for the house, and do you know, that pony during the last two miles raced the storm so closely that I didn’t feel a drop of rain, while my dog, who was only twenty yards behind, had to swim all the way.”

Where Would He Be?

“Yes,” said the storekeeper, “I want a good, bright boy to be partly indoors and partly outdoors.”

“That’s all right,” said the applicant; “but what becomes of me when the door slams shut?”

-oOo-

Jack was pulling the cat’s tail, while the cat was clawing the carpet and making unearthly music.

“Jack, quit pulling the cat’s tail.” called his mother.

“I’m not pullin’ it; I’m just holding on. The cat’s doin’ the pullin’.”

What the Teacher Taught Him

The small boy had just returned home after a most tumultuous day at school.

“What lesson,” asked his father, “was the most impressed on you today by the teacher?”

“Dat I need a thicker pair of pants.”

What the Trouble Was

A man was fixing his automobile.

“Trouble?” asked a bystander.

“Some,” was the laconic answer.

“What power car is it?”

“Forty horse,” came the answer.

“What seems to be the matter with it?”

“Well, from the way she acts, I should say that thirty-nine of the horses were dead.”

Life in a Flat

“Hello, Tonm, old man, got your new flat fitted up yet?”

“Not quite,” answered the friend. “Say, do you know where I can buy a folding tooth-brush?”

Not as Expected

“This boy,” said the proud mother to a neighbor, “do grow more like his father every day.”

And the neighbor, knowing the father, asked:

“Do he, now? And have you tried everything?”

Just a Starter

A crotchety old farmer had trouble with his neighbor, and as a result sought his counsel.

“I want yeow ter write him a letter an’ tell him this here foolishness hez got ter stop,” he declared firmly. “I know what I want ter say, but I ain’t got the larnin’ ter put it just right.”

“What do you want to say?” the lawyer asked.

“Wa-all, begin by tellin’ him thet he’s the durndest, lyin’est, thievin’est, low-downest skunk on airth – and then work up.”



1 Comment »

  1. I suppose that “back in the day,” readers were familiar enough with immigrants, their accents, and stereotypes that writing in dialect added to the humor. My modern brain finds it either annoying or bigoted, depending on the joke.

    Comment by The Other Clark — March 18, 2013 @ 1:38 pm

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