Apologies for all the jokes about Scots in this one … it was apparently a very popular joke theme in 1930.
A certain country minister posted this notice on the church door:
“Brother Johnson departed for heaven at 4:30 a.m.”
The next day he found written below: “Heaven, 9:00 a.m., Johnson not in yet. Great anxiety.”
At the Hospital
Pretty Nurse – “Every time I take the patient’s pulse it gets faster. What shall I do?”
Doctor Quack – “Blindfold him.”
He Knew It, All Right
Teacher – “Do you know what the Order of the Bath is?”
Mickie – “Sure! In our house it’s Katie, then me brudder, then me.”
A boy had been absent from school for some time, and on his return the history teacher asked – “When were you here last, Johnnie?”
“When we murdered Edward II, sir,” came the reply.
Owner trying to sell second-hand car: “I can assure you, sir, there’s no hill too steep for her, no road too rough for her. She’s gone everywhere!”
Possible Purchaser (candidly): “I’m afraid she is.”
Old Lady (to pilot) – “Why are you so nervous?”
Pilot – “We have lost both wings.”
Old Lady – “Never mind; we’ll get new ones when we land.”
Did you ever hear of the Scotchman, who, the first time he used free air at the garage, blew out all four tires?
A Good Definition
“Johnny, what is velocity?”
“Velocity is what a fellow lets go of a bee with.”
He’d Like To
“Hey, there!” called the traffic cop to the petting driver, “why don’t you use both hands?”
The engrossed youth looked at him gracefully. “But, Officer, I’m afraid to let go the steering wheel.”
Willie – “Pa, what’s a garden plot?”
Pa – “The bugs and worms planning to eat your stuff up.”
Misery Loves Company
Selma – “My boy friend’s affection for me is purely platonic.”
Vilma– “I’m disappointed in mine, too.”
Eggs While You Wait
Customer: “Are those eggs strictly fresh?”
Grocer (to boy helper): “George, are those eggs cool enough to sell yet?
Now, Wouldn’t It?
“Tell me, what does the Christmas tree stand for?”
“Well, it would look sort of silly lying down.”
“Do you believe in clubs for women?” asked the reporter of the local newspaper, interviewing the visiting celebrity.
“Yes,” he replied judiciously, “if kindness fails.”
Student: “Fourth floor, please.”
Elevator Man: “Here’s your station, son.”
Student: “How dare you call me son? You’re not my father.”
Elevator Man: “Well, I brought you up, didn’t I?”
The Scotch Athletic Society of New York City ordered wholesale 100 doz. B.V.D.’s which they thought more economical for track use. The telegram they sent read:
“SOS MCC BVD FOB COD PDQ SAS NYC.”
An Economical Friend
“My Scotch boyfriend sent me his picture.”
“How does it look?”
“I don’t know; I haven’t had it developed yet.”
Hard-boiled Grocer: “No, sir! no checks! I wouldn’t cash a check for my own brother.”
Disappointed Customer: “Well, of course, you know your family better than I do.”
Knows Her Insect
“My dear,” remarked Jones, who had just finished reading a book on “The Wonders of Nature,”“Nature is marvelous! When I read a book like this, it makes me think how puerile, how insignificant is man.”
“Huh!” said his wife.” A woman doesn’t have to wade through 400 pages to discover that.”
Nor Cat in the Catsup
Diner: “Hey, waiter, there’s no turtle in this soup.”
Waiter: “No, and if you look close you’ll find that there is no horse in that horseradish.”
Lady: “Do you keep electric refrigerators?”
Fresh Salesman: “No, we sell them!”
Lady: “Well, you’ll keep the one you were going to sell me!”
The first real touch of winter is the coal dealer’s.
It’s a wisecrack indeed, that knows it’s own originator.
Members of the younger generation are alike in many disrespects.
As we understand it, the rising generation retires about when the retiring generation rises.
A girl with cotton stockings never sees a mouse.
Will Learn Soon
“Mummy, can all angels fly?”
“But the cook can’t fly, and daddy calls her his little angel.”
“No, but she will fly, dear.”