Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1934 (5)
 


Funny Bones, 1934 (5)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - March 02, 2013

Modern Courtship

“Daughter,” said the father, “is that young man serious in his intentions?”

“Guess he must be, dad,” she replied. “He’s asked me how much I make, what kind of meals we have, and how you and mother are to live with.”

Dangerous Ground

The treasurer of a ladies’ aid society went into the bank to deposit some money, remarking to the banker, “Here’s some aid money.” The banker, a little hard of hearing, thought she said egg money, and remarked enthusiastically, “Well, the old hens did pretty well.”

Streamlined Tragedy

“Why, what are you crying so for, sonny?” asked Dad of his four-year-old heir.

“I heard you say you were going to get a new baby and I suppose that means you’ll trade me in on it,” he sobbed.

No Question Who

Fred: “Last night I dreamed I married the most beautiful woman in the world.”

Maude: “Were we happy?”

Functional Architecture

Nature is wonderful! A million years ago she didn’t know we were going to wear spectacles, yet look at the way she placed our ears.

But Try and Get It

Steward (on board ship): “Madam, I’ve attended to you as best I can, and I’ve supplied every want, but you still seem unsatisfied. What do you want now?”

Lady (seasick): “I want the earth.”

Even the Animals “Chisel”

Biffem: “Gracious goodness! Even the cows have begun hoarding.”

Skiffem: “You don’t say.”

Biffem: “Yes, here it is in the headlines: ‘Light native cow hides 6 cents.’”

In Every Ward

“What are you children playing?” asked mother one day.

“We’re playing church,” replied Jackie.

“How nice!” said mother; “but worshippers shouldn’t whisper in church.”

“We know that, mother,” said Jackie, “but we’re the choir.”

Guesswork

Father: “Why were you kept in at school?”

Son: “I didn’t know where the Azores were.”

Father: “In the future, just remember where you put things.”

Indian Lore

Father: “Now, Tommy, you’ve been at school a long time. What is the wife of an Indian called?”

Tommy: “A squaw, Dad.”

Father: “Good. And can you tell me what his child is called?”

Tommy: “A squawler.”

‘Tis a Tough Life

“Say, Bill, if you had five bucks in your pocket, what would you think?”

Bill: “I’d think I had somebody else’s pants on.”

Up to Date

Parson: “You love to go to Sunday School, don’t you, Robert?”

Bobby: “Yes, sir.”

Parson: “What do you expect to learn today?”

Bobby: “The date of the picnic.”

Says Walter Winchell

“Poets are born – that’s the trouble.”

The Retort Courteous

1st Neighbor – “How did that naughty little boy of yours get hurt?”

2nd Ditto – “That good little boy of yours hit him with a brick.”

Alpine Journey

“Does the giraffe get sore throat if he gets wet feet?”

“Yes, but not until the next week.”

The Remedy

Mr. Justwed – “What did you do to this meat? It has such a peculiar taste.”

Mrs. Justwed – “Oh, nothing. It did get a little burnt, but I fixed that – I applied Unguentine right away.”

The Attic Empty

Visitor – “Can you tell me if Bill Jones is up in his room?”

Frosh – “Sorry, there’s nobody home in the top story.”

Visitor – “Oh, excuse me. I’ll ask someone else.”

Error Somewhere

The film director was making a real thriller and working very hard to get action into it.

Finally, he turned from the brink of the cliff, mopped his brow, and glanced at a dummy made of straw and old clothes lying on the ground beside him.

“Good heavens!” he shouted. “Who was it we threw over the cliff?”

Doing Him Justice

Mistress – “You say, Essie, that your husband beats you constantly?”

Essie – “No, mum. I don’t want to tell anything but the truth. I want to do my husband justice. Some days he’s away rabbit hunting or fishing.”

All Work, No Play

Dibbs – “Have you seen one of those instruments which can tell when a man is lying?”

Higgs – “See one! I married one!”

Shock to Refinement

Jasper – “What made you leave Mrs. Blah’s boarding-house after living there for three years?”

Casper – “I found out they had no bath-tub.”



3 Comments »

  1. Fun. But I don’t get the native cow one. I looked up “chisel” and it means to cheat or swindle. But that doesn’t help.

    Comment by Carol — March 2, 2013 @ 11:14 am

  2. The joke turns on whether “hides” is read as a noun or a verb.

    If “cow hides” is a noun, then this is an advertisement that a particular type of hide (light native — presumably a tan-colored typical American cow rather than anything with more exotic coloring) is selling at the rate of 6 cents (per pound? each?).

    If it’s a verb, then a light native cow is hiding/hoarding 6 cents, presumably shaved from the books. And therein lies the humor, ha ha. Look, a cow knows enough about the Depression to want to pocket an extra 6 cents, ha ha! {/sarcasm}

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — March 2, 2013 @ 1:12 pm

  3. Got it. Thanks. Clever. Like “Time flies like arrows. Mediterranean flies like oranges.”

    Comment by Carol — March 2, 2013 @ 10:28 pm

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