How She Took It
Husband: “It is a strange thing, but true, that the biggest fools have the most beautiful wives.”
Wife (pleased): “Oh, what a flatterer you are, darling.”
“What caused the explosion at your house, Jones?’
“Well, I’ll tell you, old boy, it was a little bit of powder on my coat sleeve.”
Not Like the World
First Politician: “Why are you so sure there is no life on Mars?”
Second Politician: “Well, for one thing, they never have asked the United States for a loan!”
“What was George Washington noted for?”
Boy: “His memory.”
“What makes you think his memory was so great?”
Boy: “Well, they erected a monument to it, didn’t they?”
Got His Lesson
Bus Conductor: “One seat on top ma’am, and one inside.”
Lady: “You surely wouldn’t separate a mother from her daughter.”
Conductor: “Never again, lady. I did it once and I have regretted it ever since.”
The Mean Thing
He: “May I have the last dance with you?”
She: “Don’t be silly. You’ve had it!”
The Sample Was Nice
“And do you know anything about religion?” queried the missionary.
“Well, we got a little taste of it when the last missionary was here,” replied the cannibal chieftain.
Go Home, Sir
Doorkeeper (at movie): “Hey! Come back! Dogs are not allowed inside.”
Collegian (without pausing): “That’s not my dog.”
Doorkeeper (pursuing): “Not your dog! Why, he’s following you.”
Collegian: “What of it? So are you.”
The Cad at Eve
Husband: “If a man steals, no matter what, he will live to regret it.”
Wife (coyly): “You used to steal kisses from me before we were married.”
Husband: “Well, you heard what I said.”
Had Tried It
Teacher: “Now, Tommy, suppose you had two apples, and you gave another boy his choice of them, you would tell him to take the bigger one, wouldn’t you?”
Tommy: “No, mum.”
Tommy: “Cos ’twouldn’t be necessary.”
“Mm, but that popcorn has a heavenly smell!” she exclaimed, as they drove past the stand.
“Hasn’t it!” he agreed. “I’ll drive a little closer.”
Full Fare Wanted
“I want a ticket for Virginia,” Mose said to the ticket agent.
“What part of Virginia?”
“All of her,” Mose came back. “Dat’s her watching my suitcase.”
Check: “Do you know, I’ve just happened to remember, that never once during our married life have my wife and I disagreed!”
White: “Well, well. That’s great! I don’t dare contradict mine either.”
Judge: “Now, I don’t expect to see you here again.”
Defendant: “Not see me again, Jedge? Why, you-all ain’t going to resign, is you, Jedge?”
“That’s what I call tough luck.”
“I’ve got a check for $40.00 and the only man in town that can identify me is the one I owe $50.00.”
Minister (at baptism of baby): “His name, please.”
Mother: “Randolph Morgan Montgomery Alfred Van Christopher McGoof.”
Minister (to assistant): “A little more water.”
The old Indian was riding along the road on his pony, while his squaw followed on foot heavily burdened with luggage.
“Say, why isn’t your wife riding?” asked the motorist.
“Ugh,” answered the Indian,” she got no pony.”
A Happy Exchange
Robert had brought her a splendid Easter lily.
“I’ll give you a kiss for that lily,” she promised blushingly.
The exchange was happily made. Robert started hurriedly toward the door.
“Why, where are you going?” asked his girl in surprise.
“To the florist’s for more Easter lilies.”
Ready for Work
Employer (to stenographer): “I hope you understand the importance of punctuation.”
Stenog: “Oh, yes, indeed. I was only late once on my last job.”
Give Him Time, Dearie
Wife: “That couple next door seems very devoted. He kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that?”
Hubby: “I don’t know her well enough yet.”