Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1866 (2)
 


Funny Bones, 1866 (2)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - February 09, 2013

An eminent special pleader visited the theatre, when the play enacted was “Macbeth.” In a scene where Macbeth, questioning the witches in the cavern, says, “What i’st you do?” they answer, “A deed without a name.” This phrase struck the ears of the lawyer, who turned to a friend and said, “Why, then, it’s void.”

-oOo-

What length ought a lady’s crinoline to be? – A little above two feet.

-oOo-

A boy at a crossing, begging something of a gentleman, the latter told him that he would give him something as he came back. “Your honor,” replied the boy, “you would be surprised if you knew how much money I lose by giving credit in that way.”

-oOo-

“How do you like the character of St. Paul?” asked a parson of his landlady one day, during a conversation about the old Saints and Apostles.

“Ah!” said she, “he was a good, clever old soul, I know, for he once said, you know, that we must eat what is set before us, and ask no questions for conscience’ sake. I always thought I should like him for a boarder.”

-oOo-

A Turk who had lately arrived in Paris, was asked how he liked a ball. “Ah,” said he, “these Europeans spoil everything. Why, they make the men dance!”

-oOo-

The San Antonio Herald is charmed with the serene peace that prevails in that city. “With the exception of fifteen or twenty fights, and the exchange of a few friendly shots without any unfortunate results, nothing has happened of moment for two days.”

-oOo-

An awfully curious bore, learning that a young lady was going to London, asked – “What motive is taking you thither?”

“I believe they call it a loco-motive, sir,” was the innocent reply.

-oOo-

Stonewall Jackson never made but one practical joke in his life. This was when he was a professor at Lexington, Va., and it consisted in asking his class why it was impossible to send a telegraphic dispatch from Lexington to Staunton? Some pupils suggested that the iron ore in the mountains drew the iron ore from the wires, and others proposed other theories, but it was some time before any cadet was brilliant enough to remark that there was no telegraph line between the two places.

-oOo-

Why is your elder brother like grass in a meadow? Because he is past-your-age.

-oOo-

“Can you see anything in my eye? It feels very sore,” asked a lazy young man of a fellow student.

“Yes,” said the other, “I can see a very bad pupil.”

-oOo-

“Pray,” inquired one minister of another, “seeing so many ladies attend your church, why do you invariably address your congregation as ‘dear brethren’?”

“Oh, the answer is easily given,” he replied – “the brethren embrace the sisters.”

-oOo-

A miserly bailiff coming into possession of a baronetcy, and desiring an appropriate coat of arms, adopted one representing a tin plate, over which was placed a fork, signifying “Fork over the tin.”

-oOo-

A gentleman driving was accosted by a man walking along the road, who begged the favor of him to put his great coat, which he found very heavy, into his vehicle. “With all my heart,” said the gentleman, “but if we should not be traveling to the same place, how will you get your coat?”

“Sir,” said the man, with great readiness, “I shall be in it.”

-oOo-

Thackeray used to tell of an Irishwoman begging alms from him, who, when she saw him put his hand in his pocket, cried out, “May the blessings of God follow you all your life!” but when he only pulled out his snuff-box, immediately added, “and never overtake ye.”

-oOo-

“Can you tell me how old the devil is?” asked an irreverent fellow of a clergyman.

“My friend, you must keep your own family record,” was the reply.

-oOo-

“My dear madam,” said a doctor to his patient, “I am truly gratified to see you yet in life. At my last visit yesterday, you know I told you that you had but six hours to live.”

“Yes, doctor, you did, but I did not take the dose you left for me.”

-oOo-

It has been asked when rain falls, does it ever get up again? Of course it does, in dew time.

-oOo-

“What is the plural of penny?” inquired a schoolmaster. “Twopence!” shouted the sharpest in the class.

-oOo-

An American, speaking of hard wood, said it would last forever, and burn a long time after that.

-oOo-

“A-las I am no more!” as Miss Susan Moore remarked, after becoming Mrs. Jones.

-oOo-

Why is a young lady just from boarding-school like a building committee? – Because she is ready to receive proposals.

-oOo-

If you are truly benevolent and charitable, perhaps you will, when you see a neighbor in distress, ask some other neighbor to help him.

-oOo-

What is that which must be taken from you before you can give it away? – Your photograph.

-oOo-

“If you don’t accept my challenge, I shall post you in the papers,” said one gentleman of honor to another.

“Go ahead,” said the other; “I would rather fill a dozen papers than one coffin.”

-oOo-

A gentleman who had been spending the evening with a few friends, looking at his watch just after midnight, said, “It is to-morrow morning! I must bid you good-night, gentlemen.”

-oOo-

Remarkably few donkeys are found in the northern parts of Germany. A German lady, newly arrived in this country, when sitting in a room over-looking a meadow in the suburbs of London, where some donkeys were grazing, on hearing one of them braying, exclaimed, “Why don’t they oil that pump-handle a little? It is quite shocking to hear that horrible noise every time anybody comes to fetch water.”

 



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