Brother (after a quarrel): “Sis, I’ll meet you half-way.”
Brother: “I’ll admit I’m wrong if you’ll admit I’m right.”
Checking on an applicant’s references, the employment office phoned one ex-employer and asked:
“During his stay with you, was he a steady worker?”
“Yes, steady in a way,” the voice on the other end replied. “To tell the truth, he was motionless.”
He called his wife his better half
With mirthfulness, wher’er he went.
The neighbors whispered, with a laugh,
That she was ninety-five percent.
The curious motorist stopped in a vacation area to observe a farmer putting up a building.
“What are you building?” our man asked.
“Well,” answered the farmer, “if I can rent it, it’s a rustic cottage nestled ‘neath two tall pines. If I can’t, it’s a cowshed.”
Joe, looking at Niagara Falls: “Got anything like that in Texas?”
Texan: “We got a plumber who could fix that leak in ten minutes.”
“I can’t get over how well you and your wife get along. Don’t you ever have any differences of opinion?”
“Oh, yes – very often.”
“And yet you get over them so quickly?”
“Ah, that’s the secret. I never tell her about them.”
From the composition of a high school senior:
“Last week was Open School Week. We did Hamlet in class. A lot of parents came. Some of them had seen it before, but they laughed just the same.”
“I’m sorry I’m so late, Mother,” said the third-grader as he rushed home late. “We were making a science display – and I had to finish the universe.”
It taketh age to make a sage,
The wise no longer doubt it;
The older we grow
The more we know,
And the less we brag about it.
Some people refuse to come up to the front of the church unless escorted by pallbearers.
“Young man,” said the stern moralist to the boy fishing on the creek bank, “your time must not be very valuable. I’ve been watching you two hours, and you haven’t had a single bite.”
“Well, stranger,” the lad replied, “I consider my time too valuable to waste two hours of it watching another guy fishing when he ain’t catching anything.”
A foreigner commented, “You Americans are strange people. You devote one day out of the year to your mothers, and an entire week to pickles.”
Mrs. Jones had spent some time exploring the dusky recesses of a famous antique shop in an eastern city.
“What is that quaint old figure in the corner worth?” she asked at last.
“About $50,000,” whispered the horrified salesman. “That’s the proprietor.”
To make a long story short, there’s nothing like having the boss walk in.
The question in the physiology examination read: “How may one attain a good posture?”
The country boy wrote: “Keep the cows off of it, and let it grow a while.”
Two members of the current generation were sitting on a pier in the Virgin Islands with their legs dangling in the water when a barracuda went swimming by.
Suddenly one of them shouted, “Hey, a barracuda just bit off my leg!”
“Which one?” his friend asked.
“How should I know which one?” was the answer. “Once you’ve seen one barracuda, you’ve seen them all!”
Posing the farmer and his college-age son for a picture, the photographer suggested that the boy stand with his hand on his father’s shoulder.
“If you want it to look natural,” said the longsuffering parent, “he could put his hand in my pocket.”
Natives who beat drums to frighten evil spirits away are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns in traffic jams.
A wife pointed to her husband stretched out in the hammock and explained to her friend: “Fred’s hobby is letting birds watch him.”
Thirty is a wonderful age – especially if you happen to be forty.
What good is muscle,
If we lack will?
If we lack hustle,
What good is skill?
Heard at Spook School
Why is a cat sitting on a fence like an American penny?
Because the head is on one side, and the tail is on the other.