Depends on the Viewpoint
A lawyer was cross-examining an old German about the position of the doors, windows, and so forth, in a house in which a certain transaction occurred.
“And now, my good man,” said the lawyer, “will you be good enough to tell the court how the stairs run in the house?”
The German looked dazed and unsettled for a moment.
“How do the stairs run?” he queried.
“Yes, how do the stairs run?”
“Well,” continued the witness, after a moment’s thought, “ven I am oop-stairs dey run down, and ven I am down-stairs dey run oop.”
Better Meet ‘Em Halfway
“I see the jury acquitted the girl who killed her employer, on the ground of insanity.”
“Yes, and quite right, too. Anybody who kills an employer these days is certainly crazy.”
They’ll Bear Watching
Mrs. A. – “I like to have a man about, don’t you?”
Mrs. B. – “Provided I know what he is about.”
Proud Father – “Don’t you think it’s about time the baby learned to say ‘papa’?”
Mother – “Oh, no, I hadn’t intended telling him who you are until he becomes a little stronger.”
Percy: “Ah, Dearest, only speak those words that will mean Heaven to me!”
Polly: “Go jump in the lake.”
“I knew when I got up on the platform that I was going to make a good speech. My knees were clapping for me.”
Fate Took a Foot
Teacher (after recess): “Percy, why are you crying?”
Percy: “Harold kicked me in the stomach.”
Teacher: “Harold, did you mean to kick Percy in the stomach?”
Harold: “Naw. He turned around just when I kicked.”
All His Own
The high school principal looked sharply through his glasses at the lackadaisical freshman standing before him.
“I suppose,” he said sarcastically, “that you inherited your laziness from your father.”
“No-o-o, sir,” was the listless answer. “He’s still got it.”
Forward (to Center): “Why’n’t you pass to me when I was open? You’re the dumbest boob on the whole squad!”
Coach: “Boys! Boys! You forget I am here.”
A Slight Difference
Census Taker: “What is your son’s income?”
Mrs. Sargent: “From two to two-thirty a.m.”
A woman motorist was driving along a country road when she noticed a couple of repair men climbing telephone poles.
“Fools!” she exclaimed to her companion, “they think I never drove before”
Patrolman: “That’s not the truth. We’ve had too many ‘Smiths’ around here. Give me your real name and make it snappy.”
Speeder: “Well, if I must, it’s W. Shakespeare.”
“That’s better. You can’t bluff a man like me with that ‘Smith’ stuff.”
Birth of Romance
He was spouting with great vigor against corporal punishment for boys, which he declared never did any good. “Take my own case,” he exclaimed. “I was never caned but once in my life, and that was for speaking the truth.”
“Well,” retorted somebody in the audience, “it cured you.”
It’s Not True, Orville
Two bankers appeared at the golden gates. St. Peter examined his records and could not find that they were entitled to admission. They insisted that the records must be wrong. St. Peter finally agreed to go inside and examine another set of records.
When he returned both the bankers and the golden gates were gone!
A Mind Reader
They met many privates, and each time the colonel would salute he would mutter, “The same to you.”
The general’s curiosity soon got the better of him, and he asked:
“Why do you always say that?”
The colonel answered:
“I was once a private and I know what they are thinking.”
Hold Your Nose
To write a song hit, take something composed by one of the masters and decompose it.
And then there is the modern infant who said that if he had his way he’d be a bottle baby, because he was tired of getting cigaret ashes in his eyes.
Billy: “Mother, may I go to the zoo to see the monkeys?”
Mother: “Why, Billy, what an idea! Imagine wanting to see the monkeys when your uncle is here!”
A Modern Classic
“I hope that’s a nice book for you to read, darling,” said a conscientious mother to her very young daughter.
“Oh, yes, mummy, it’s a lovely book, but I don’t think you’d like it. It’s so sad at the end.”
“How is it sad, dear?”
“Well, she dies, and he has to go back to his wife.”
A fisherman got such a reputation for stretching the truth that he bought a pair of scales and insisted on weighing every fish he caught in the presence of a witness. One day a doctor borrowed the fisherman’s scales to weigh a new-born baby. The baby weighed forty-seven pounds!
Rain, No Game?
Two ladies stopped at a livery stable and asked for a gentle horse to drive. The liveryman brought out one saying: “This horse is perfectly gentle so long as you don’t let the rein get under his tail.”
Three hours later they returned. “How did you get along?” the liveryman inquired.
“Oh, we got along just fine. Had a couple of showers while we were out, but we took turns holding the parasol over the horse’s tail.”