Made Her Feel Sheepish
Customer – “What kind of meats have you today?”
Butcher – “Mutton and venison.”
Customer – “Is your mutton dear?”
Butcher – “No, the mutton is sheep. The venison is deer.”
Never shift your mouth into high gear until you are sure your brain is turning over.
The Only Way
Fuller Sapp – I say, Rosaline, what would I have to give for just one little kiss?”
Rosaline – “Chloroform!”
A Little Too Late
When they pulled the professor, half drowned, from the water, he sputtered, “How exasperating. I’ve just recalled the fact that I can swim.”
Too Fast for Lamby
Teacher – Mary, why doesn’t the lamb follow you to school nowadays?
Mary – “What, with me driving 40 miles an hour?”
Absent But Not Forgotten
Cornbelt: “I hear you lost your temper yesterday.”
Rutabaga: “Yes, but she’ll be back.”
“What would you do if a horse fell into your bathtub?”
“Easy – I’d pull the plug out.”
Farmer: “Hi, there! What are you doing up in my cherry tree?”
Willie: “Dere’s a notice down dere to keep off de grass.”
Is He? Yes!
Kunkle– Kosherstein must be feeling the heat by now.
Bilhardt – “Where’s he living?”
Kunkle – “He’s not.”
Soon Will Be Ancient History
Martin: “Hunter, who does the most good – Henry Ford or Billy Sunday?”
Hunter: “That’s easy! Henry Ford.”
Martin: “How’s that?”
Hunter: “Henry has shaken the devil out of more people than Billy Sunday ever can.”
A Better Slogan
Question: “How can I keep myself warm nights?”
Answer: “Reach for a blanket instead of a sheet.”
At the Picnic
Mother (to Bobby): “Surely you did something else but eat the school treat?”
Bobbie: “Yes, mummie. After lunch we sang a hymn called “We can sing, full though we be …”
Mother learned later that the hymn selected had been, “Weak and sinful though we be.”
Before He Canned It
“What’s the matter?”
“I wrote an article on fresh milk, and the editor condensed it.”
A Striking Suggestion
The following sign is displayed above an ice cream counter of a drugstore: “Take a brick home, it’s fine when company comes.”
He Sees It Now
Chugwater – “I never could see why they call a boat ‘she.’”
Dashpot – “Evidently you never tried to steer one.”
Where the Nickels Go
Scene – Sunday morning in a drug store:
“Can you give me change for a dime, please?”
Druggist – “Certainly, and I hope you enjoy the sermon.”
Cuts Both Ways
Robertson: “I thought you told me, before I married you, that you could make biscuits!”
Mrs. Robertson: “Hugh! I thought you told me, before I married you, that you could make dough!”
“That’s the guy I’m laying for,” said the hen as the farmer went by.
A pedestrian has his rights – yes. The last sad rites.
When my wife wants anything she uses the sign language. She signs for this and signs for that.
The motor-car will eventually drive people underground, says a traffic expert. It often does now, if it hits hard enough.
Printer’s copy: “Moses kills the taskmaster.” Printer’s proof: “Moses kills the toastmaster.”
A German dancer who danced for nearly three hundred hours had to stop owing to a brain affection. Our suspicion is that it was something of the sort that made him start.
Teacher– “Willie, can you tell me one of the uses of cowhide?”
Willie – “Yes, ma’am. It keeps the cow together.”
Dick – “My dad is an Elk, a Lion, a Moose and an Eagle.”
Micky – “What does it cost to see him?”
“Where is the man who keeps this restaurant?” asked a disgusted patron.
“He’s gone out to lunch,” replied the waiter.
Professor – “Can you give me an example of wasted energy?”
Freshman – “Yes, sir. Telling a hair-raising story to a bald-headed man.”
Bridegroom (in poetic frenzy, as they stroll along the shore): “Roll on, thou deep and dark blue ocean, roll!”
Bride: “Oh, Gerald, how wonderful you are. It’s doing it.”
Helped Him Decide
Genesis: “Whut did yo’wife say when yo’ got in at two las’ night?”
Exodus: “She never say a word. Ah wuz goin’ to have dem two front teeth pulled out anyhow.”