Henpecked and haggard husband asked the butcher: “What kind of meat have you this morning?”
“Some steak tender as a woman’s heart,” said the butcher.
“I’ll take sausage,” said the customer.
Repairing Neatly Done
Irate Customer – “I bought a car off you several weeks ago, and you said if anything went wrong you’d supply the broken parts.”
Dealer – “Yes.”
Irate Customer – “I’d like to get a nose, a shoulder blade, and a big toe.”
A Modern Egg
While a western physician was inspecting the insane hospital, an inmate approached him and asked:
“I beg your pardon, sir, but have you a piece of toast?”
“No,” replied the doctor, in surprise, “but I can get you a piece if you want it badly.”
“Oh, I wish you would. I’m a poached egg and I want to sit down.”
He: “You look nice enough to eat.”
She: “Well, I do eat.”
Professor, in science class – “Who can tell me the scientific name of snoring?”
First Student – “I don’t know, Professor.”
Second Student – “Sheet music.”
Mother – “I’m ashamed of you, Betty. Why are you whipping poor pussy?”
Betty – “‘Cos he’s dirty. He spits on his feet and then wipes them on his face.”
A Tough Problem
“If this is a spring chicken,” murmured the patient diner as he endeavored to masticate a sinewy leg, “they must have given me a bit of the spring!”
The Danger Signal
Passenger: “What’s the matter, guard?”
Guard (tired of answering similar questions): “A new signalman in the box up there has got red hair, and we can’t get the engine to pass him.”
How Could You?
Mabel: “Earnest’s wife simply worships him, doesn’t she?”
Lois: “Well, she places burnt offerings before him every day.”
“Why, how d’ye do?” said the barber to his one-time customer.
“Howdy,” snapped the latter.
“You’re a stranger. I haven’t seen your face for a long time.”
“That’s odd. I left most of it on your razor the last time I was in your shop.”
Humorous man (in tramcar) – “Has anyone dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them?”
Chorus of Voices – “Yes, I have!”
“Well, I just picked up the elastic band.”
Customer: “I’d like to see something cheap in a straw hat.”
Clerk: “Try this one on. The mirror is at your left.”
The Only Way
Barber – “Do you want a hair cut?”
Customer – “No, I want them all cut.”
Barber – “Any particular way, sir?”
Customer – “Yes; off.”
“How about the new heaves medicine you tried?” asks Farmer No. 1.
“Well, you know that fellow said it cured by getting at the cause,” answers No. 2.
“Yes, I remember.”
“I figured it out since that he was right. Breathing is the cause of heaves – that is, it’s only when a horse breathes that he heaves.”
“Well, two doses of that stuff cured my horse of breathing.”
A Distinction with a Difference
Joan – “Motor cars are awful things. They’re not safe at all.”
Darby – “No, there’s always something goin’ wrong with them.”
Joan – “Which would ye rather be in – a collision or an explosion?”
Darby – “I would rather be in a collision.”
Joan – “Why?”
Darby (thoughtfully) – “Because in a collision there ye are, but in an explosion, where are ye?”