Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1922 (6)
 


Funny Bones, 1922 (6)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - January 05, 2013

Our Exchange

Henpecked and haggard husband asked the butcher: “What kind of meat have you this morning?”

“Some steak tender as a woman’s heart,” said the butcher.

“I’ll take sausage,” said the customer.

Repairing Neatly Done

Irate Customer – “I bought a car off you several weeks ago, and you said if anything went wrong you’d supply the broken parts.”

Dealer – “Yes.”

Irate Customer – “I’d like to get a nose, a shoulder blade, and a big toe.”

A Modern Egg

While a western physician was inspecting the insane hospital, an inmate approached him and asked:

“I beg your pardon, sir, but have you a piece of toast?”

“No,” replied the doctor, in surprise, “but I can get you a piece if you want it badly.”

“Oh, I wish you would. I’m a poached egg and I want to sit down.”

Caught

He: “You look nice enough to eat.”

She: “Well, I do eat.”

Musicology

Professor, in science class – “Who can tell me the scientific name of snoring?”

First Student – “I don’t know, Professor.”

Second Student – “Sheet music.”

Health Habits

Mother – “I’m ashamed of you, Betty. Why are you whipping poor pussy?”

Betty – “‘Cos he’s dirty. He spits on his feet and then wipes them on his face.”

A Tough Problem

“If this is a spring chicken,” murmured the patient diner as he endeavored to masticate a sinewy leg, “they must have given me a bit of the spring!”

The Danger Signal

Passenger: “What’s the matter, guard?”

Guard (tired of answering similar questions): “A new signalman in the box up there has got red hair, and we can’t get the engine to pass him.”

How Could You?

Mabel: “Earnest’s wife simply worships him, doesn’t she?”

Lois: “Well, she places burnt offerings before him every day.”

Barber-ic

“Why, how d’ye do?” said the barber to his one-time customer.

“Howdy,” snapped the latter.

“You’re a stranger. I haven’t seen your face for a long time.”

“That’s odd. I left most of it on your razor the last time I was in your shop.”

A Rubber

Humorous man (in tramcar) – “Has anyone dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them?”

Chorus of Voices – “Yes, I have!”

“Well, I just picked up the elastic band.”

Obvious

Customer: “I’d like to see something cheap in a straw hat.”

Clerk: “Try this one on. The mirror is at your left.”

The Only Way

Barber – “Do you want a hair cut?”

Customer – “No, I want them all cut.”

Barber – “Any particular way, sir?”

Customer – “Yes; off.”

Hot Stuff

“How about the new heaves medicine you tried?” asks Farmer No. 1.

“Well, you know that fellow said it cured by getting at the cause,” answers No. 2.

“Yes, I remember.”

“I figured it out since that he was right. Breathing is the cause of heaves – that is, it’s only when a horse breathes that he heaves.”

“Quite so.”

“Well, two doses of that stuff cured my horse of breathing.”

A Distinction with a Difference

Joan – “Motor cars are awful things. They’re not safe at all.”

Darby – “No, there’s always something goin’ wrong with them.”

Joan – “Which would ye rather be in – a collision or an explosion?”

Darby – “I would rather be in a collision.”

Joan – “Why?”

Darby (thoughtfully) – “Because in a collision there ye are, but in an explosion, where are ye?”



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