Waiter: “How would you like your rice?”
Spinster: “Thrown at me.”
A fat man was sitting in front of a little boy in the movie. He said, “Can you see, little boy?
“No, I can’t,” replied the boy.
“Well, then, watch me and laugh when I do.”
Heard on Spook Corner
Mommy Spook: “And another thing – while haunting, always stay away from music.”
Baby Spook: “Why, Mommy?”
Mommy Spook: “Because you might scare the “M” away and I don’t want U SIC!”
“Doctor, what do you find to be the principal complaint of children?”
While I was driving a carload of women delegates to a convention recently, the subject of husband-wife arguments arose, and each woman told what happened when she and her husband had words. “My husband doesn’t give me a chance to argue,” I said. “Whenever we disagree he walks out of the house and starts sawing or hammering or pouring concrete.”
At this, one of my friends in the back seat spoke up. “You must have had some dillies,” she said. “I’ve often wondered how you managed to add a playroom, a bedroom, a patio, and a garage to your house in two years.”
Parking Space: An area about seven feet wide and fourteen feet long, on the other side of the street.
Traffic Light: A trick to get pedestrians halfway across the street.
Auto: Something your son can somehow manage to drive into the garage on the last drop of gas.
Said the rich and single aunt to her nephew: “I’m sorry you don’t like your gift, but I asked if you preferred a large check or a small one.”
Replied the ungrateful nephew: “True enough, but I didn’t know you were talking about neckties.”
Johnny: “Say, Dad, do you know you’re a lucky man?”
Father: “How is that, son?
Johnny: “You won’t have to buy new books for me this year. I am taking last year’s work over again.”
Two husbands were discussing their status at home. Said one:
“I am the boss in my house. Last night, for example, there was no hot water when I wanted some, so I raised the roof. And, believe me, I got lots of hot water – in a hurry.”
Then after a pause, he added: “I hate to wash dishes in cold water.”
The saddest story of the month is about the fellow who decided to increase his vocabulary by learning three new words each day. After a week, nobody knew what he was talking about.
There are more than 1,000 women in the United States who have taken up the law. There are several million other women who lay it down.
“What’s your name?” the housewife asked the delivery boy.
“Ford,” replied the lad.
“And your first name?”
“Henry Ford, eh?” remarked the woman. “That’s a pretty well-known name.”
“It ought to be,” he replied. “I’ve been delivering groceries around here for two years now.”
If you think that old soldiers just fade away, try getting into your old army uniform.
“My, my,” Grandpa complained, “what’s wrong with the younger generation?”
“The main thing, I think,” soothed Grandma, “is that too many of us don’t belong to it anymore.”
“I don’t want to scare you,” Johnny said to his teacher, “but if my grades don’t improve, Daddy says someone is going to get spanked.”
Employer: “For this job we want a responsible man.”
Applicant: “I’m the guy you’re looking for. Everywhere I have worked, when something went wrong they told me I was responsible.”
There’s nothing like a good, old-fashioned, home-cooked meal – not in most homes, at least.
I have time on my hands to do what I please,
I have leisure for both prose and rhyme.
The irony is, I write less than I did
When a clock had its hands on my time.
The brain is a wonderful organ: it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. – Robert Frost.
An Englishman, an Irishman, and an American were flying over the Sahara Desert.
“A beastly place,” the Englishman said.
“The devil’s home,” said the Irishman.
“What a parking lot!” said the American.
A gentle old lady on a suburban bus watched for some time, with the kindliest interest, a young soldier sitting next to her. The fellow was chewing gum vigorously. Finally, she leaned across, patted him on the knee, and said:
“I’m awfully sorry, but it simply isn’t any use trying to talk to me, young man. I’m completely deaf.”
Freedom: Being able to do what you please without considering anyone except the wife, police, boss, life insurance company, state, federal, and city authorities, and neighbors.
“When I applied for that job, the manager had the nerve to ask if my punctuation is good.”
“What did you tell him?”
“I said I’d never been late for work in my life.”