Took No Chances
Alkali Ike: “What happened to that tenderfoot stranger wot was here last week.”
Texas Pete: “Poor feller! The second morning he was here he was brushing his teeth with some of that foamy toothpaste and one of the boys thought he had hydrophoby and shot him.”
The sleight-of-hand performance was not going very well.
“Can any lady or gentleman lend me an egg?” asked the conjurer, coming down to the footlights.
“If we’d ’ad one,” shouted a man in the audience, “you’d ’ave it before this.”
A “Swell” Profession
Ellen, aged 5, was listening to a lyric soprano on the radio. As the singer struck a high note, she turned to her mother and said, “Mother, I’m going to be a singer.”
“That’s very nice, dear. What made you decide on that?”
“It must be grand to just let go and yell and still have it sound so swell.”
“I’m sorry – I quite forgot your party the other evening!”
“Oh, weren’t you there?”
The dancing-masters deplore a deterioration in American manners. It seems our younger blades no longer bow when asking, “Is the next crawl mine, baby?”
Those Foolish Questions
George: “Why hasn’t daddy got much hair?”
Mother: “Because he thinks a lot, dear.”
George: “Then why have you got so much, Mother?”
Mother (pause): “Go on with your breakfast.”
She: “Wouldn’t you love me just the same if father had lost all his money, Edwin?”
Him: “He hasn’t lost it, has he?”
She: “Of course he hasn’t.”
Him: “To be sure I would, you silly girl.”
And a Nervous Breakdown
“Would you mind walking the other w’y and not passing the ’orse?” said a London cabman with exaggerated politeness to the fat lady who had just paid a minimum fare.
“Why?” she inquired.
“Because, if ’e sees wot ’e’s been carrying for a shilling ’e’ll ’ave a fit.”
The Memory Lingers
Jackson –“I noticed you got up and gave that lady your seat in the tram the other day.”
Hackson – “Since childhood I have respected a woman with a strap in her hand.”
Teacher was giving a lesson on the weather idiosyncrasies of March. “What is it,” she asked, “that comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb?”
And little Julia, in the back row, replied: “Father.”
Conductor–“Sorry, madam, but we have learned that the station where you intend to get off has been burned to the ground.”
Lady – “That’s all right; they’ll probably have it rebuilt by the time this train gets there.”
“Jack was the goal of my ambition,” she sighed, “but alas!”
“What happened, dear?”
“Father kicked the goal.”
Two men who had been bachelor cronies met for the first time in five years.
“Tell me, Tom,” said one, “did you marry that girl, or do you still darn your own socks and do your cooking?”
“Yes,” was Tom’s reply.
Lover (eloping with his adored) – “How much is the fare?”
Taxi Driver – “That’s all right, sir. The young lady’s father settled all that!”
What we can’t understand is how the financial prophets keep from getting discouraged.
No Tips, Please
Diner: “I see that tips are forbidden here.”
Waiter: “Lor’ bless yer, mum, so was the apples in the garden of Eden.”
Registrar: “Have you been married before madam? And if so, to whom?”
Film Star: “What’s the big idea? Memory test?”
His Best Friend, Too!
Biff: “See that girl over there? She made a fool of me once.”
Tiff: “What a lasting impression some girls make!”
Four Years Too Long
Nervous Suitor: “Sir, er – that is, I would like to – er– that is I mean I have been going with your daughter for five years.”
Father: “Well, wadda you want – a pension?”
Auto Driver: “Have you some of that gasoline that stops knocking?”
Attendant: “Yes, sir.”
Auto Driver: “Then, give my wife a glass.”
Sonny Boy: “Mother, why did you marry father?”
Mother: “So you’ve begun to wonder too, have you?”