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Funny Bones, 1915 (7)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - December 15, 2012

Physiology

School Teacher: “What little boy can tell me where is the home of the swallow?”

Arthur: “Please, teacher, I ken.”

Teacher: “Well, Arthur?”

Arthur: “The home of the swallow is in the stummick.”

A Necessity

“Your daughter plays some very robust pieces.”

“She’s got a beau in the parlor,” growled Pa Wombat, “and that loud music is to drown the sound of her mother washing the dishes.”

It Reaches the Joke Belt

“John, how is it that I can never get you up in the morning?”

“My dear, I was a sunrise-slumber baby.”

Obvious

Fat Old Lady: “When I was born I was so small they put me in a pint pot and put the lid on.”

Thin Old Lady: “Lan’ sakes! And did you live?”

“Why, they say I did – and grew nicely.”

And the Cook Is a Bear

“Every one in our family is some kind of animal,” said Jimmie to the amazed preacher.

“Why, you shouldn’t say that,” the good man exclaimed.

“Well,” said Jimmie, ‘Mother’s a dear, the baby is mother’s little lamb, I’m the kid, and dad’s the goat.”

His Turn Coming

Diner: “See here, where are those oysters I ordered on the half shell?”

Waiter: “Don’t get impatient, sir. We’re dreadful short on shells; but you’re next, sir.”

Testing Father

Willie: “Do you know everything, pa?”

Pa: “Yes, my son.”

Willie: “What is the difference between a son of a gun and a pop of a pistol?”

Much-Needed Assistance

“Here’s a man suing for divorce because his wife goes through his pockets,” said Mrs. Smith, reading from the newspaper. “What would you do if you woke up and found me going through your pockets?”

“I? said Mr. Smith sadly. “I would get up and help you look.”

A Patient Inference

My friend Mrs. Binns
Has a fine pair of twins;
She’s christened them Patrick and Mike;
And none but their mother
Knows one from the other,
For they are exactly alike.

I asked her to tell
How she knew them so well;
Said she, “There’s no secret in that –
I just put me finger in Mike’s little mouth,
And I know if he bites me, he’s Pat!”

Some Pedigree

The lady: “You say the dog has a long pedigree?”

The Dealer: “Yes, marm, ‘e has. One of ‘is ancestors chewed off th’ corner of th’ Magny Charty, an’ another of ‘em bit a hole in good King Halfred. Yes, marm.”

Bluffed Him Out

When Bennie wanted a party, his mother consented on condition that he invite Edwin. The boys had had trouble, but rather than not have the party, Bennie agreed to invite his foe.

When no Edwin turned up at the party, Bennie’s suspicious parent sought her son.

“Didn’t you invite Edwin?”

“Yess’m.”

“Did he say he wouldn’t come?”

“No,” explained Ben. “I invited him all right, but I dared him to come.”

Length of a Man’s Hand

Johnny – “Do you know why a man’s hand can’t be over eleven inches?”

Sister – “No. Do you?”

Johnny – “Sure! Because if it were twelve inches it would be a foot.”

Never Out in Sight

A visitor was being shown over a lunatic asylum

“This is where the mad chauffeurs are kept,” said the attendant.

“Oh, is it?” enthusiastically replied the visitor, looking around. “But where are they?”

“Oh, you can’t see ‘em,” the attendant replied. “They’re all under the beds examining the springs.”

Outward Bound

“I hear the sea captain is in hard luck. He married a girl and she ran away from him.”

“Yes; he took her for a mate, but she was a skipper.”

And He Did

Lady Passenger – “My husband is particularly liable to sea-sickness, Captain. Could you tell him what to do in case of an attack?”

Captain – “‘Tain’t necessary, mum, he’ll do it.”



3 Comments »

  1. I rather like the 11 inch hand joke.

    Comment by HokieKate — December 15, 2012 @ 10:46 am

  2. And I liked the mate vs. skipper one.

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — December 15, 2012 @ 10:48 am

  3. 11-inch hand reminds me of this way to measure:

    http://www.firstthings.com/blogs/firstthoughts/2010/02/26/new-york-has-two-feet-of-snow/

    Comment by Carol — December 15, 2012 @ 12:07 pm

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